Ok, your biological clock has now become Big Ben. You think you're ready to have children? Let say you found Mr. Right and all is well and you think that you want one of those cute little baby thingies.
Just remember this...
- In the middle of eating Italian food with a co-worker at your house, you may have to stop drinking your lovely wine, get up, and go scoop poop out of little tiny Gap panties. Can you say potty training? It makes for a good diet though because there's no way you can finish your dinner after that. On second thought, I know I'm an outstanding member of the mom's club because finishing that last slice was no problem.
- Home sick with the worst cold of your life? Think you can sleep it off? Think again! You're too tired to drive her to daycare, and there's no mom around to bring you chicken soup. Remember, you ARE the mom.
- 6:30am - cartoons and hangovers don't mix. Nuff said.
- Laundry, laundry, laundry. A never ending cycle. Especially for my child, who must change outfits like three times a day. I swear she thinks she's Cher.
- Lack of sleep. "During the baby's first year, a new mother may lose between 400 and 750 hours of sleep--as much as two hours a night, in other words." Let me tell you, it gives a new meaning to the words sleep deprivation. Add an extra two hours on top of this if your child suffers from chronic ear infections or any other illness. Thank God for ear tube surgery because we were headed down a painful path. Waking every hour, on the hour, for three months. As a working mom, this was fun. They nicknamed me the zombie for a while.
- Getting horizontal. This is absolutely a thing of the past. Laying on the couch watching tv - this happens, but only for like a few minutes at a time with intermittent shouts of "Mommy, I need.... fill in the blank.... my dolly, milk, my special socks, my cheerios (cheer-wee-woes), my lollipop, my hamster, etc. Getting horizontal with a member of the opposite sex....well, this has its own special challenges, but I'm sure you can imagine.
- Going anywhere. Oh, you can go places, just add an extra hour to every trip. And don't forget to buy three pairs of the same shoes. My child must wear the shiny silver Barbie shoes everywhere. So God forbid you lose a shoe, you'll never get out of the house.
- Bodily fluids - especially when your child is young, these are impossible to control, so get used to: projectile vomiting (yes, just like the Exorcist), explosive diarrhea, possessed urine that comes out of the diaper onto your expensive duvet cover yet the diaper remains completely dry, ear goo, and snot... "Here Mommy. Hold my booger."
Yet, for all of this, my lovely Zoe is the closest thing to magic that I have ever, or will ever, create. My theory is that God made these beloved creatures impossibly adorable so you don't throw them out the window.