If your are eating…you may want to finish first.
I flunked out of school my first semester. Texas Tech… big time redneck country in the middle of no f*ckingwhere. A dry town except for Frat Row. We actually had tumbleweeds on Main Street for Christ’s sake. How could I, major urban punk rock chick (yeah, semi-shaved head and all), survive in such a backward town? Not surprising I had a 1.25 GPA after that first dope-filled, drunk-ass semester.
Because of...Ibis.
Yes, her name was Ibis. (Rhymes with Fib – is). She was the wildest, weirdest girl I have ever known. A mass of curly jet black hair. She was not afraid of anything or anyone. She was so damn fun.
At the time I met her we were living in the same dorm. I had a roommate (who I can’t remember much about her except she grew up on a pig farm). She was nice, but way too mothering for me. She was a sophomore so she had to advise me about everything, even trying to screen my dates for me. Finally, I hung a noose around her favorite teddy bear, pinned a suicide note to him saying she had driven him to his death, and strung him up. I hung up posters of Sid Vicious, Jesus, and decorated in all black. Didn't help that I barfed in the sink one drunken night either. She moved by the end of that second week.
Ibis and I shared a love for the drink. We partied and had enormous fun. (fuck the Art History class, we’re going to New Mexico to see boys). We had to move in together.
Ibis’s roommate was a ZTA. Typical sorority chick, fell right out of the handbook. Plaid, plaid…vomiting pink plaid. She accused Ibis of stealing. Called Ibis a spic. We hated her. She had to go.
One night Ibis and I hooked up with our other best friend, Sara. Sara was a non-typical sorority babe, dating a frat boy, but this frat boy was also the frat drug dealer… Yippee for us!
So we got high. A lot. Every day. For free. We’d smoke, then eat, then smoke some more so we could eat some more. What the hell else is there to do in a town filled with shit kickers?
One night we were at IHOP. About 3am on a school night. High as all hell. A bit drunk too. And we were walking back to the dorm, full of dope, full of martinis, and full of …. pancakes. Ibis spots the Zeta cow’s car. Prissy little red BMW.
I see this evil look cross Ibis’s face. Next thing I know Ibis is copping a squat on the hood of the car. Unbelievable… She drops trou and takes this massive shit on the hood. Huge, huge, HUGE, like a man dump or something. Sara and I are laughing so hard. I’m on the ground and I can’t stop laughing. Sara pees her pants. Ibis is still dropping scuds on the hood. Finished, she takes a leaf and wipes her ass. Here sits this huge dumperooski and she’s looking at it like she should get a blue ribbon or something. She picks up a stick, and dips it in the crap. She spells the word BITCH on the front windshield. By this time, I am laughing so hard I’m about to puke.
The next day ZTA cow is mulling about. Whining and crying that someone put some HORSE shit on her car. Horse shit.
*Ibis*
Sadly, turns out Ibis really was a thief. At the end of term, I called my dad and said I didn’t want to finish at Tech. He said I’d have to come home anyway because I had spent my next semester’s tuition already. Ibis. Fucking Ibis got my ATM code and withdrew $950 from my account. Her mom paid me back (poor woman worked 2 jobs), but Ibis, well Ibis ended up in the Army.
*Shudders at the thought of Ibis with a gun*
I have never eaten at IHOP since.