ahhhh.... finally.... all jammied up, laptop, reading, relaxing....
for the first fucking time all day. hahahaha
I actually had a nice day. I worked my butt off at work, accomplishing every thing I set out for today. I'm a studette when I want to be. And SHUT UP. Stop laughing already.
Although it was major stress. One of the most stress causing elements in my life is when I really really need to work late and I have no one to pick up Zoe.
I've spoken of my commute before. It's dreadful. Usually it's about an hour each way. Rain or wrecks, it has lasted up to two hours just to get home.
But on a normal day, I have to leave by exactly 5:15pm in order to reach Zoe's daycare by 6:30. I usually only leave about 5 minutes to spare.
So if I can't leave by 5:15, I have to figure out some way to have my child picked up by the time her school closes. Most often I get her dad to do it (and yes, he's a major asshole about it... what did you expect?) Other times Sis #2 does it for me. Zoe loves this because she gets to see her two cousins and she loves my sister big time. But Sis #2 is pregnant, so this is a last resort.
Today I was stressing about it. Her dad, dickford, said he would get her today. He said he'd call to confirm. Noon goes by, one, then two o'clock. I'm up to my ears in work so much that some of my project managers jump in and actually help. Finally at three, Dickford calls me and says he can't leave work because he is tied up.
Well, stressed out as I was, I deb bitched him out. I couldn't help it. I sacrifice my job so much for our daughter, that I'm sick of him not doing some of the same. I mean, I make way more money than he does, and could make more if I could get in extra hours. (get paid hourly). I'm always babysitting on the weekend for grocery money though. I like it, but it is hard to work 6 days a week.
I'm also the one who takes her to the doctor, takes off work if she's sick, and takes and picks her up 99 % of the time.
I didn't make this kid by myself, why do I have to raise her by myself? Especially since he only pays for 1/2 of her daycare and nothing else.
God bless Sis #2. Bless that poor pregnant girl. She picked Zoe up for me twice this week. Tonight her kids were out of town with their father. He took them on vacation during one of his business trips. Sis #2 said that Zoe was upset that her cousins weren't there. She also got really mad when she found out her dad was going to pick her up from Sis #2's house. She cried and said she wanted me to do it.
[aside]
I totally must ensure that my anger towards Zoe's dad isn't ever in front of her. I am so careful, that I'm sure that she picked this up from school or something, but she said at dinner "I hate my daddy."
Now I'm sure you all think that she got that from me, but I actually never say the word hate. I'm pretty sure that she picked it up from school. Same as she did when she said one of her schoolmates was ugly. That's just not how I talk in front of her.
Anyway, I told her that I don't hate daddy, and she doesn't either. That he was her special daddy, and that he loves her, and would be sad if she talked bad about him. She said she was sorry, but that daddy's hair was still ugly. (he shaved his head and looks like a vato)
[aside over]
So Dickford brought Zoe to my office. I was finishing up a few things, delivered a bunch of documents around and took her "zooming" in the cart up and down the halls. (no one was there... this was like at 8pm).
We left and Zoe said she wanted to go to the Pancake Store, aka International House of Pancakes (IHOP y'all). I figured she was hungry so we went.
Summary of visit:
Seated
crayons
color color color
break orange crayon
peel paper off purple crayon
drink chocolate milk
nice waitress gets "talked to" by asshole manager, (in front of customers, oh, that's great management style)
go to potty
announce in potty that it stinks
asks why the woman in the next stall has such loud poo poo
wipes butt having fit because she wants to do it alone
washes hands and says that it is stinky poo poo in there
return to booth
sit stand sit drop crayon sit stand hands on glass
food is delivered
tips over chocolate milk; thank God for lids
doesn't eat any of smiley face pancake
color color drop crayon and crawl under table
announces very loudly that she has to pee again
back to bathroom
no pee; fake out
washes hands
gets upset that shirt is wet
back to booth
waitress thought we skipped out
stand sit stand sit stand sit
kiss mommy's face while mommy is trying to eat salad (first food since 11am)
kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss
kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss
kissing monster
sit stand sit stand sit
grabs bill and dips it into water
mommy packs up uneaten pancake
zoe brings bill to counter
asshole manager tries to be nice to mommy
mommy ignores his fake charm
zoe stands on waiting benches
jumps up down up down up down
mommy adds on $5 tip to $14 bill because she felt sorry for nice waitress
manager makes fun of my long long crazy signature (I'll scan it someday, you'll make fun too)
zoe nearly topples hostess stand
CELL PHONE RINGS
Dr
Egypt
calling
out the door
into car
he's not coming, but I'm not really upset
I had to babysit that weekend anyway
still miss him, but I didn't think he'd come
He tells me to call him when I get home and get Zoe to sleep. I understand. You should understand, that it's next to impossible to hold a coherent conversation when a three year old is awake.
Zoe passes out in the car in two minutes. It's now after 10pm. We get home, I change her and clean her up a bit (in her half asleep state).
I actually shower. It feels like the nicest shower I've ever had. What a long fucking day it has been.
I call him back. He says that he really misses me. The hospital is so greedy to have his experience that they want him to start a few weeks early. (He has 15 years experience as a heart surgeon, but because of out of country licensing, he has to start over with general surgery as a resident; therefore, they are anxious to have his skills put to use as their newest SLAVEBOY)
I tell him I have tomorrow off and he is sad. He tells me to hop on a plane and come see him. That he'd buy the ticket tonight. I can't. I've committed to babysitting marathon on Saturday for Sis #1 for their anniversary. They are golfing and going out at night, so I'm going to be there all day.
I tell him I miss him and miss laughing with him. I used to laugh much more when he was here. His leaving was also bad timing because at work they moved the other editor, Lara, down the hall around the time he left for Egypt. Double whammy. That girl cracks me up, and it is so boring in my office now. So less laughing during the day, and no laughing at night (except for reading all the bits and journals on here)
Anyway, I start giving him shit. Not too much. About 1/18th of a deb bitch. I tell him I was about to give up on him, since he never calls or emails.
He gasps. "Oh, no honey! Don't do that! I miss you more than you could know."
Now why he doesn't show me in other ways, I have no idea.
He starts reminiscing on our days together. They really were so lovely. He says that this is the nicest affair he's ever had. Weird way of putting it, but I know what he means. It's the same for me.
I tell him, "Well it doesn't have to be over. You sound like it's over."
"Nooooo. No, I don't want it to be over. I just know that it's going to be difficult for us to get together. I'm going to be so busy, that I don't know when I'll ever get to have time to see you."
He talks about Christmas as being the first time off he may have. He says that he will send me plane tickets to visit him.
I told him about my journal and how I have a little following, so he needs to give me something to write about. To write in my little soap opera. He thinks this is cute. He laughed when I told him that he was "Dr. Egypt." He said he wants to see me so I'll have something x-rated to write about. *yikes*
We talk for a long time, but it is really late there. It was a nice conversation, but it makes me miss him more. I tell him to make a point of trying to call me at least once a week. He says he will. I know he won't. He might. I'll try to not give up on him yet.
I miss him. He really misses me.
Either way, nothing has changed. I'm still determined that I'm going to keep on going on with my life.
It's hard. I've met some other guys (online only folks), but Dr. E is always there. My heart's not into meeting anyone else. I love this guy, but am trying to convince myself otherwise.
It's not working.
------------------------
Funny Zoe story... skip it if toddler stories make you barf.
After work, it was dark. We had the cop walk us to our car. We are crossing the street. It's kind of busy and dark. There is a grass median in the middle. We cross the first three lanes. Pause on the grass median and go across the other three lanes.
When we get over to the sidewalk Zoe says, "There's no poop in this grass."
hahahaha... guess you had to be there
[aside]
you see one of my neighbors is too fucking gross. they haven't been cleaning up after their dog. I don't know who it is.
1. It's Texas folks. When it gets over 90 degrees, dog shit in the grass stinks to high hell.
2. I wouldn't throw one of Zoe's shitty diapers in your front yard, why do you let your dog shit where my kid plays. This is why Zoe has no concept of what it is like to run around without shoes. Fuckers!
3. If I catch the person who did it, I swear to God I'm going to bag it up, open it onto their front stoop and smear it all over their door.
OMG, I'm turning into IBIS!
ciao