Choo Choo slays me. That guy is fucking hilarious.
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I'm awake and I so should be asleep.
Too many stories in my head and I don't know what to tell. It's come up a few times, so I might just tell my boring Dallas Cowboys story. I have a few, but I'll summarize a bit.
I won't name names but let's just call him Big Fucker.
I graduated from Saint Edward's University in Austin, Texas. This was the Texas home of spring training for the Cowboys when they moved back to Texas. It's a beautiful school, by the way, so if you are ever in Austin, it's worth the trip. The view of the city from the hilltop is very pretty, especially at night.
The school built a special field for the team. In the off season, it was home to our great soccer team. (we were too small to have a football team). I thought it was a very challenging place to have training as it ranged in the high 90's by 11am.
I attended summer school during the first 3 years of training. I ended up working for them as the field was right across the street from my apartment. It was an easy job to go easily with my senior thesis course.
The first year I started off as a maid. We trained for a few days and that was longer than I lasted as a maid. When we had to literally hose out the showers and toilets, I was like, oh HELL no. The guys were slobs and the smell... don't ask. After my one day maid stint, I then asked to switch to working security. Directing traffic, telling the kids to keep of the fence, holding helmets while they sign autographs and the like.
I was dating my college boyfriend, Good Mike, at the time. The stereotypes of most of the players are completely true though when it comes to women. Meat. You are meat to them.
But I can totally understand why. The women come out in droves. High heels, huge uplifted boobs, big hair, full makeup. The would come out to practices dressed like hookers. Brings out the carnivore in any red blooded man.
[aside]
the real "working girls" were run off each year in a very well publicized "vice" sting. They would bust all the Johns in a very public manner on the local news stations. This would drive away the HO traffic during spring training. And clean up the area for the fans.
[aside over]
Anyway, these chicks would come out with all but "come fuck me" written on their foreheads. Literally 98 degrees and they were everywhere. They snuck into the dorms, performed blow jobs in cars, and generally served as some local ass to these guys. It was rather disgusting. Gives a new meaning to pussy galore.
Needless to say, I understood why these guys were so full of themselves. Women were to be had. Easy pickins.
The first week I was on security duty, I got four private (dorm) phone numbers. "Call me baby. I want to show you a good time." "Hey sexy, how bout us hookin' up?" "Don'tcha wanna be with me, baby."
"My name is Debby, not Baby." I actually said this to Michael Irvin (sp?)
I think I attracted them solely because I would always reply, "Thanks, I appreciate the offer, but I have a boyfriend." I wondered if they actually had some kind of bet to see who could fuck me. I couldn't imagine it being anything else as I was out there in a hideous hot pink t-shirt, bright ass baseball cap, and slathered in sunscreen while smelling a bit gamey because I was sweating to death. I was looking anything but sexy.
The third year I worked there, my boyfriend and I had broken up. I mean just just broken up. I knew a few of the players by this season, so they would kid around with me.
[aside]
I do still think Troy Aikeman is not gay. I caught him sneaking a few looks at my older sister. She's a hottie. Although he could have been looking at her shoes.
He's horribly shy, and very polite. I got to hold his helmet a few times and he was very nice.
I think I was his age at the time. Some kids had snuck down by the locker room and were waiting by the fence. It was beyond hot. Over 100 degrees. This was after the 2nd practice that day... the hottest. The poor guy was tired. He walks down there, tired as all hell, to go sign these kid's autographs. I was holding his helmet and shoulder pads. I didn't talk to him. I was really tired and hot too.
He went to sign the autographs, but then the hundreds of press vultured in on him. He was doing a good deed, and they wanted it on camera. I told him, "Mr. Aikeman, I think we should go now."
He said, "thanks. really." and went into the locker room.
my lame brush with fame.
[aside over]
That year, Big Fucker asked me to show him around town. He was huge as were most of the players. But this guy was the hugest of huge. Not great looking, but funny. I mostly went out with him because he had a good sense of humor.
I took him to eat fajitas and have a few margaritas. We were bombarded with autograph seekers, but I was glad there weren't any photographs. It was the most digusting display of eating I've ever seen. I literally lost 10 pounds after that date because it was so gross.
Dinner:
3 big baskets of chips
Too many margaritas to count
A pound (nearly two) of fajitas and 12 tortillas
Rice/beans/fajita sides with extra guacamole and sour cream
Me, well I had 3 margaritas and a few chips. He ate all of it himself. It was like he was eating without breathing. I was afraid I'd lose a hand. He was possessed.
I can understand because I heard they could burn up to 10,000 calories a day during training, but this was so beyond horrid to watch. A human inhaler.
We went to a few clubs, but since he was a pretty popular player, we skipped out. Too much attention. I later found out he was married or had a girlfriend. Either way, I didn't want him.
He then tried to feel me up in his truck. I wasn't havin it. Maybe if he hadn't put on such an eating frenzy I might have, but I couldn't get over the mound of guacamole.
After rebuffing him more than enough times, I asked to be driven home. He actually was cool about it. He had to make a stop.
Subway
Three Foot Longs
He said it was a midnight snack. I was glad I wasn't going to be the midnight snack. I don't think I could have wrapped my legs around that big ass.
Big Fucking ass.
They hit on me even more after that. See girls, The Rules do work.
If you want to get a bunch of over-pumped muscle heads.
Big Fucking fajita eating ass.