I don't know why I don't find wasabi_geisha's journal offensive. I should. But I don’t.
I think it is because I'm not against anyone making a buck. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm all for anyone getting their own.
I came from an old money family. I was a trust fund baby who had the majority of her college (private) paid for.
My paternal grandfather was a songwriter. He wrote songs back in the 30's and 40's, and some were pretty famous. Elvis sang some of them, Judy Garland, Doris Day, Nat King Cole, Miles Davis and a bunch of others. They were used in Warner Brothers cartoons and a few Broadway shows. In recent years Woody Allen used one of his songs in several of his movies.
He and my grandmother divorced, and he remarried an heiress. Their estate was split between my father and his sister. My aunt (Aunt Loopy - another story altogether) only has one child. My dad has seven. She is basically disabled (bad back), and lives off her share of the trust. Lives very well mind you.
My father has put seven kids though college with his share, one in law school as well. There is still quite a bit left. I’ll get some of it when he dies, but I don’t want to think about that… ever! My dad is now retired and has several pensions, social security and the interest from the trust. They are comfortable, but not rich by any means.
We grew up with the basics. Not overly flashy, but we never needed really for anything. He worked, paid the bills, and we always had a really nice house. My mom stayed home and we had a very sweet life.
I think my brain is wired strangely. I make a fairly good living, not as well as I used to, but for some reason, I always feel like I'm poor. Perhaps it is because the majority of my friends are very wealthy. They have nice homes, they travel, and they buy whatever they want. Their children go to private schools or mother’s day out. Almost all of them are stay at home mothers. Some hate it, but it would be something I’d love.
I guess I’m tired of working. I worked in college, and have been in one lame job after another since 1991. When I was married I used to make three times as much as my ex. I feel for the working stiffs of the world. I’m tired of feeling the pressure to keep my household going. Now that I’m single, that pressure is even greater.
I have always spent pretty much whatever I make. I've had my utilities shut off, I don't have much extra, and for the first time in 8 years I've been bouncing checks. I'm irresponsible, but I'm not impoverished by any means.
I don't know if wasabi_geisha is a real person or just someone who is creating nice "stories" for a journal. Her stories sound a bit too contrived to be true. Who am I to say? I have no justification for this, but I can't picture some model Switzerland-traveling type sitting around typing up a journal here. All I can think of is some writer-script wannabe guy making up some dream woman to write about. I’ll never know, but it’s something I’ve thought about. I’m sure in a way I’m jealous. If I could make money that way I would. If I didn’t find the man repulsive, I’d sell myself. I like sex, and I don’t have a problem making up a few “stories” of my own.
But it's something I don't find offensive. It sounds rather empowering to be able to pick and choose. And the money would be great. I know that when I had money I looked better. I was more carefree and fun. I took better care of myself. I was more leisurely. Not always on the go, and had more time and money to spend on myself. I never balanced my checkbook, but I never came close to bouncing checks. There was always enough.
Ah, the good old days.
to be continued... too freaking long... heh
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entry continued... too much to freaking say
Look up ... this is continued from the prior entry
[aside]
I truly feel that a stay home mom who has a little extra money should always look great. I have a gym membership that I don’t use as often as I should. But if I weren’t forced to work, I’d spend a few hours a day there. I love it. My truly rich stay at home mom friends have memberships to the best clubs in town. Great daycare. Restaurant with healthy delicious food. Spa with manicure/pedicure and massages. And classes, equipment. The women are toned and taunt and aerobicized. They are gorgeous.
It’s a great life. I’m completely jealous and will freely admit to it.
[aside over]
I feel like I prostitute myself at work anyway. It's a horrible job reading about toxic waste all day. Not at all creative. Not fun. It's just a paycheck to me. Better than a lot of jobs that I have held, but if I could figure out a way to work less hours for more money, I'd be all over it.
Then nearly every weekend I do the same thing for my sister. Babysitting. I hate giving up my weekends, but the extra money is too good to pass up. Prostituting myself for the Pamper's crowd.
I don’t know why I’m writing about all of this. I guess I’m sick of working and wish that I could stay home for a few years. I miss my child every hour of the day. I am sad that we can't go on playdates and can't go on excursions. I miss looking and feeling good. I miss the not rushing to school to work to clean to church to babysitting to... oh fuck, we rush everywhere. It’s exhausting.
I’m sure it’s a feeling that has come to a head because I dread my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I dread having some jackass doctor tell me to reduce my stress. To take better care of myself. It is something I know, but can’t seem to make happen. Where? How? There aren’t enough hours in my day to do everything. I know other people can do it, but I can't seem to get my shit together. I was a good employee. A good stay home mom (when I did for a while), but as a working (now single) mom, I am so fucking unqualified it's unbelievable.
I’m only one person.
Maybe one day I can convince myself that that is ok. I can’t do it all.
Maybe one day I can give myself a break.
Until then, I still suck. Too bad it can’t be for a wee bit of cash. (hahaha)
Red apples are good. I'm off to eat one and sulk.
More power to you wasabi!