Why do I suck so bad. I haven't heard from Dr. Egypt in weeks now. I mean, not a real conversation since the end of June when he promised to send me an airplane ticket. I talked to him Sunday and he said he'd call me later that night or Monday. He was dead asleep. I'm sure he doesn't even remember talking to me.
I need to break the phone curse. I'm back in that terrible cycle of elation when he calls, followed by sadness and doubt about our relationship in between calls. It's just that they are so infrequent.
[sarah jessica parker moment]
How can you have a long distance relationship when one party doesn't communicate?
It's horrible. I start to call him myself. I called like three times in one day. It makes me feel like a stalker or something. It is like the reverse of The Rules. Never call him and hardly ever return his calls. Well that's like what he is doing to me. That's why I'm addicted so.
The stupid thing is that I know this. I'm a fairly intelligent, rational, nearly 36 year old woman... So what the hell am I doing?
Lara (my assistant editor, remember) says that Dr. residency sucks big time. Her brother is a doctor, so she knows this.
I know that Dr. E is crazy busy. But dammit, it only takes a minute to phone someone or hit the reply button on an email. It feels so... callous.
I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. I know him. I know he would never do that on purpose. And I feel totally selfish for feeling this way. Like a spoiled child. He TOLD me this would happen. I was warned. He said this in the very beginning of our relationship. He said he was moving away and was afraid of becoming too attached. Afraid to hurt my feelings. That he would be insanely busy once he started this three year rotation.
But he did become attached. He freely admits it. And I did too. I can't imagine not knowing this lovely man for the rest of my life.
But his sadness kills me. It haunts me when he calls. He says lovely things. He makes promises. I want them to be true. I want to be there to see him. And then... silence.
His calls make me miss him more. I feel his pain, his tiredness, his loneliness. I want to be there for him. To have fun with him, and to remind him that there is fun to be had. His life is hard and stressful. We need to see eachother. I need some fun too.
He misses me. He misses us. I can hear it in his voice. It's terrible because
I
feel
exactly
the
same
way
I haven't had a night out since April. I didn't realize it until last night. Literally I have not done anything absolutely by myself since April. I haven't had any fun... debfun... since he left.
I need him. I need us.
I'm at work and I feel like crying. I don't like this desperation. I don't like it that one minute I feel as if this is the man I should be with... like forever [eewww scary, I said it], and the next minute I'm wondering why he hasn't called me. Or if perhaps he has given up on me and moved on to someone that might be more "convenient."
My rational side says this is speculation. That he is too busy. That he loves me and misses me as much as I miss him and he'd never be with another woman. But my stupid emotional (like PMS overkill) side says that our relationship is too much work right now and that there is some nurse shacked up in his bed.
This is yet another reason why I need to get back to my life. Just when I feel like giving up on him, he calls. I start to say, well I have to move on because he obviously doesn't want to commit to a long distance relationship. And then his dumb ass calls me and I'm back in lala land.
Lara can totally tell. She doesn't office with me anymore, but she has some serious deb-radar on my feelings. It's kinda spooky. I try not to be mopey, but it's too much wrapped up in my head.
So if I keep busy, I might not notice or count the days since I had heard from him.
How can I lower my suckitude factor?
Maybe Dangoldst or Benorbeen can come up with some formula to break the cycle.
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13 days until the next National holiday - 11 for Lori Sunshine
Gotta love those 30-something chicks!
come celebrate with us