Mr. John Doe doesn't want me writing about him. So I will try to keep it to facts and not details as he is important to my story. If you ever read this, Mr. John Doe, I'm sorry, but I can't tell the story without you. (but he said he didn't want to read this anyway, so here goes)
Mr. John Doe - a guy I talked to online for a bit. He is enamoured. I finally meet him in person, and we get on a bit too well (no, not THAT well, but he wants to)
Mr. John Doe - I tell him about Dr. Egypt. I tell him about my doubts and fears and sadness at missing him. I tell him that I think Mr. John Doe is a cool guy and I would hate to pass up on someone cool for someone that I'm in limbo with (Dr. E)
Mr. John Doe - he is putting on the full court press. Damn French speaking people. He could have read a grocery list to me and I'd still want to be ripping off my clothes. He's a sexy guy. A smart, sexy, cool guy who happens to think I'm the same.
Mr. John Doe - he tells me that I should contact Dr. Egypt and give him a "warning." I tell him I've been trying to have the relationship status talk with Dr. E for a while, but I've left 2 messages in a week and still no answer. That night I leave my third message. It went something like this:
Hi honey. I am really having a hard time and I need to talk to you. Even if you are half asleep, I need you to call me because I am really stressed out and want to talk to you.
So I'm driving home in the hellish commute. Mr. John Doe calls me and we are just chatting, flirting. He is tempting me.
then
the
call
waiting
beeps
in
It's Dr. Egypt. Now this is all junior high schoolish, and I only got like 3 hours sleep last night, so I'll try to make this coherent although I'm losing my ability to spell and these won't be quotes. Fuck, I'll just tell it.
NE WAY
he asks me what is the problem. I start crying (and don't worry, I know I was driving, but I'm going like 5 mph tops in this traffic)
He gets really upset when I cry. He's very sweet about it. He tells me to calm down and tell him what the problem is.
I tell him that I guess I just miss him. And that it is getting to hard to be apart from him. He says this makes him happy. He said that (and this is a quote) "If you ever stop missing me, I'd kill you" (and no, not literally - he was laughing)
I told him that I felt really stupid. I said I can't love someone that doesn't love me back. I ask him if I should be waiting for him. If he wants me to wait for him.
He tells me, honey, I'm trying. Pray for me because I am trying to get a job for my 2nd year residency in Houston. I'm trying to get back to you.
I tell him I feel really dumb. That I just want to HEAR it. I want to know how he feels. Where is our relationship going? (and I know this was hard for him because he had just finished an extra long shift and is ready to pass out). He starts to say he doesn't know. That he doesn't want to say something that he doesn't mean. He isn't sure where he will be. He's not sure if he will be in PA or Houston or to give up and go back to Egypt because he's not sure that it will all be worth the effort he is going through. He could practice in a number of countries. He's basically being all wishy washy and not answering my questions.
So I tell him that I would wait a million years if he wanted me to. I tell him I'm asking because in the past two weeks 3 different men have asked me out. I don't tell him that they are really after me. But I'm sure he gets the gyst. He told me that I could go to dinner with them, but nothing else.
DUH. I said, honey, they want more than dinner. But I can't give any of them an answer because I don't know what type of relationship I'm in. Do I have a boyfriend? What is the deal?
I told him I would be absolutely furious at him if he started dating other women. He said that's not even an option.
I said that all the wishy washy stuff is his brain. I want to know what his heart says. He says he doesn't want me going out with other men.
Finally, I'm still pushing it. I ask him, "Well would it kill you to tell me you love me?" After all, in 8 months he hasn't really ever said it. He says that he loves what we have, or he loves x about me. But never outright.
Bah, this is too long. I hope not to lose it.
And he says
Honey
I
love
you
so so
much
I love you, I love you, I love you (this is feeling like a movie moment - sexy accent, he is saying it and it is sincere) He says this about ten times. I am bawling at this point.
He tells me wait for me, pray for me. I love you. I don't know what will happen to me, but I love you and want you to wait for me. Please don't give up on me, honey. I love you.
I tell him that is all I needed to know.
He says, honey you know I would not be the type of man to say that I want you to wait if I didn't really mean it. I wouldn't do that to you. (I know this to be true) This is important to me because I don't want him to say it if he doesn't mean it. He means it.
However, I also tell him that he's a butt for not calling me at least once a week. (remember, he promised to. Well he said he didn't even realize that it had been a week) He says he will try to call me more. (he better because Mr. John Doe is still pretty full court press and he is saying things I want to hear from Dr. Egypt, and he is saying them in french [fucking french accents], and I want to hear them. I just wish they were coming from Dr. E)
[aside] I wonder if Dr. E had any idea of what exactly Mr. John Doe wants to do to me if he wouldn't be calling me more often.
I can tell he is about to pass out at this point. (yikes, he said he fell asleep driving home last week. that he had to drag himself up the stairs to go to bed. And that most nights he just stays at the hospital because he's too tired to go home.) I tell him to go to bed. It's 7:00 his time and he is going to bed.
He says Honey, I love you.
This is what I needed to hear. This is enough.
This is what feels right for me.
This is the comfort that we had when he was with me.
This is the man I don't doubt. The man I love. The man who made me remember who I am.
Worshipful.
This is what I need to store in my mind when I am doubtful and weak.
I have to remember that whereas he doesn't always say all the right things and isn't around me (like Mr. John Doe), when we are together he is the only man. He does all the right things. He adores me, and cares for me, and I can feel love for him and from him.
This is my strength.
Please pray he comes back to me (if it is really meant to be). Pray for his safety. Please pray for this lovely man.
It means a lot to me.