I am now a failure at love and at being a mother. I'm so sad and I need to get away from my child. It cannot be good for her.
Not only has Dr. E not called (and I know he was home today because his phone was busy for 45 minutes), but Mr. John Doe totally dissed me. He tried to be nice, but he was so condescending to me that I just told him to stop it. He was trying to dump me and was saying it was because he just couldn't be near me without wanting me, and that if we hooked up that he would end up breaking my heart.
He was complimenting me left and right, and I couldn't take it anymore.
By the way, this post is going to suck more than normal because I only got four hours of sleep last night, spent the day with four very happily married couples and their kids, shopped, did laundry, and cleaned up a bit around the house. I'm exhausted and my body hurts so much from being exhausted.
So you may want to skip reading this.
I hate Sundays. Hate them. I quit going to church because it made my day even more excrutiating. I dread going to work. I don't know what my dream job would be so I can't go out and find it.
I told my mother that I needed a vacation and she totally blew me off. Easy for her to say. She isn't around Zoe 24/7 and hasn't had a full time job in over 20 years (stay home has different stresses, but I loved being a stay home mom)
I think I will never be satisfied.
Zoe has turned into me. She is a complainer. She whines. She complains and crys for everything. She bites her nails down to nothing and she sometimes seems like she is OCD. (She will only sit in red chairs at school)
Tonight I lost it. I was unloading groceries at 8:45pm and we still hadn't eaten dinner. I'm feeling sorry for myself over Dr. E not calling for a week and a half and I just started sobbing. Uncontrollably. Zoe is in the bedroom and she comes out into the kitchen.
I was sitting in front of the refrigerator unloading veggies (yes, I'm sticking to the diet, albeit I drank a few last night) and I couldn't stop crying. Zoe came and sat in my lap and kissed my face.
She looked so concerned. She sat in my lap and hugged me for about five minutes while I cried.
This absolutely can't be good for her. If I'm upset I usually cry in the shower so that she can't see or hear me. I rarely cry and I know it was because I am tired.
I am trying out some anti-depressants starting tomorrow. I don't know if I really need them, or just need some time to adjust to the thought of my life without Dr. E. I need to break up with him because I'm too emotionally tied in to his actions. I know that is not good.
I wish I could take a week off.
off to sleep