Ok, dammit. I'm loney and feeling all sorry-like. Don't PM me, it will just make me feel more like a loser.
1. Went to a party with lovely people. It was fun, but they are all married. Even if they are unhappily married, they still had someone to snuggle with in the hayride. Me, I sat with 3 freaking kids on my lap, freezing to death while trying to keep all of their hats on. (ok, it was beyond sweet because my sis's kids are truly my own "chirrin," but I was feeling all sorry for myself - there, I said it)
2. Zoe has the worst worst fucking ear ache. She has been fine all day at school, this morning, at the party, until just before we were going to leave the party. The 4 most dreaded words to me "Mommy, my ear hurts."
[background info]
I suffered for a year with Zoe's ear aches. Working all day after being up all night - literally every hour - yeah, her dad slept through it all, thanks Dickford. Round after round of antibiotics. Then finally some genius (me) was like can we fucking finally get this kid some ear tubes? She can't friggin hear and I'm a walking zombie. After tubes, earaches to a minimum. But they took the tubes out in July & we've had 3 miserable bouts.
3. Started talking to Mr. Maybe tonight. It was disjointed at best as I think he was busy. Earlier today, he was swamped at work, so I didn't take my own friggin advice and was talking to him, only to realize that Deb, you stupidass, he's busy. Not everyone has a slow week. Not everyone is addressing Christmas cards on the clock. I feel like an asshole.
Then tonight, just when we started connecting a little, Zoe woke up screaming bloody murder. I mean big time. I thought the neighbors would call CPS on me or sumpin. I gave her some tylenol in the car before we drove home, but obviously the pain must be unbearable for her not to be able to sleep. You can't OD them, so I have to wait about 2 1/2 more hours for another dose. Not to mention that her entire class did not nap today, so she's overtired and overstimulated. Basically I was really scared and wanted to talk to him (because omg, he's totally wayyyy cute and flirty and oh so fun), but he had to go & hell... my lil' Zoe needed me anyway. It just sucked. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Bad timing is all. Story of my life.
4. Now I'm awake as all get out. It's 1am and there's NO ONE around. I'm going to have a long long weekend because I will be babysitting from 3pm Sat to ?? on Sunday. We are spending the night at Sis #1s house. I love those kids with all my heart, but man, am I going to have a LONG weekend. No breaks for me. And because I'm going to be busy, no computer to talk to Mr. Maybe and my phone doesn't work there. Looks as if I won't get to talk to him for a while. Probably best so I can snap out of this funk.
5. I'm going to San Antonio for Christmas with my parents. I don't really want to drive, but Christmas here is just so lonely for me. My sister's have their own deals and having Christmas in my craptacular apartment just isn't heartwarming, no matter how many lights I hang up on our Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We went to my parents house last year and it was sort of fun. I loved being with my parents and having Zoe in the middle of the attention, but I really really really (I mean REALLY) missed my brothers and sisters and I don't like the drive (4 hrs). It's like we have to rush back too for work. I'm also, you know, flyin solo. It's lonely. (reoccuring theme)
I long to have a Christmas like I did growing up. Living in a nice house, big tree, presents galore, great fun and having my family there. I'd love to have someone to share that with. Someone that I adored. Someone who adores Zoe too who would love to watch her open her presents and stuff. To share in that excitement with me. It's hard to get excited when I know that my only present will be a set of pans. (yay! nonstick!) Because it is like there is no one else to think about me when they pick out a present. I have no Beau. (or Bo or Bow or Beaux)
[aside]
Boo, fucking, hoo. Goddamn, if I felt any sorrier for myself I'd have a huge pile of shit on my head.
[aside over & I'm still whinin']
I love Christmas. I love the holidays. I grew up with a wonderful family and a very loving home. I miss them every day. I miss them.
[blatent solicitation to follow]
SINGLE MOM, WHITE (try ghostly white, dork), SEMI-CUTE OLDER VERSION OF MONICA LEWINSKY LOOK-ALIKE AND ADORABLE MINI ME THREE YEAR OLD SEEKS GOOD HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. THREE YEAR OLD IS POTTY TRAINED AND THE MOM IS JUST POTTY MOUTHED. SEEKING A FAMILY OF HER OWN SO SHE CAN STOP LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH OTHERS.
[gack, I'm a hack - I'm turning into freakish late night blogger]
back to the cheese:
And I can't ever imagine having a Christmas as special, dorky and amazing as the ones I had growing up.
Blah, blah, blah. I have a better chance of winning the lottery than to ever have what I'd want. Considering I don't play the lottery, I guess I'm fucked for both of those tickets.
I waver back and forth. I'm smart. A good catch. I'm a great person, a good mother, (I'm dead sexxxxxyyyy - say it like all Fat Bastard-ish), any guy would be lucky to ...
and the opposite wavering:
Duh, putz, you are a loser magnet. LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE YOU MARRIED!! Look at all those bastardos, I mean dates, that have stuck to you in the past two years. Obviously it can't ALL be them. So it's got to be ME!
DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER IN THE PITHY, WHINEY, SELF ABSORBED, SHIT-PILING CONTEST, FOLKS! WHAT IS HER LUCKY PRIZE TODAY, FRED?
WELL, FOLKS, DEB_U WINS A SHOVEL TO DIG HER WAY OUT FROM UNDER THAT MOUNTAIN OF CRAP SHE'S BEEN PILING ON HERSELF!! DING DING DING!!
[Man, I'm really a big old weirdo]
Mr. Maybe is just that. A pseudonym in my journal. He takes my breath away, but realistically it's just a dream, you know? 99.9999999999 (and then some) it won't work out. It's safer to dream about it. I get the feeling that he may feel that way too. I'm sure I scare him more than he scares me. Don't I scare you?
Some times I feel like I blew my luck. I was beautiful and married stupidly and am carrying around more baggage than Cher at her Final, fucking forever, (no really, this time she means it) Farewell concert. I have a child that I'm abnormally attached to. (I mean, damn, I miss that baby every minute of every day) I don't get out much - see I'm home alone AGAIN on a Sat night at 2:30 am and there hasn't been a man within, well let's just say I should have my pussy sewn shut before it grows cobwebs.
I'm still beautiful, but in the "you have a great personality and pretty eyes" way. Seriously, it's hard to feel beautiful when the most action you get is through a computer screen. Sometimes you just want some up close and personal validation.
[warning, stupid realization moments ahead]
Sometimes you just want someone to cut you a break and say, hey! You are really awesome and I want to be there beside you.
Sometimes you just want Mr. Maybe to not be a dream.
Sometimes you just want to ownahouseandshareabedandhaveahealthykidandajobthatyoulikeandalittleextramoneytotakeavacati on.
Sometimes you just want to be able to recognize the many positives in your life and the greatness you are ALL at the same time.
Sometimes, oh fuck ... you know me. You get the picture already. And no, I'm not going postal, I'm just tired. Ok, I promise to get some sleep so you can have something a bit more uplifting to read again.
I guess just hearing my child cry for 45 minutes, knowing she was in agony, and holding her and not being able to do anything for her just broke me tonight. It makes you feel truly vunerable.
But she's asleep. Still, my own demons want someone to hold me too. It may not be able to cure my ills, but it would help me to be well I think.
Goodnight Mr. Maybe, wherever you are.