My baby, my Zoe, my heart, my love, is four years old today.
I remember the fear I had that day. 6am at the hospital. Her dad watching tv while I tried to be as calm as I could which was not that calm. This was the day I had waited and planned for. A difficult pregnancy that I felt was not all that difficult, but rather lovely and loving. I would walk out of there with my little. The beginning of a new life.
They didn't use enough meds is the memory that stood out the most. She was a big baby and they scheduled a c-section because with my diabetes I was considered a high risk pregnancy. The epidural hurt and it made me cry. They numbed it up some more and then I was ok. The same would happen when they started the operation.
I didn't feel the incision, but when they started it felt as if they were punching me. I cried again as it hurt and I begged for more meds. (and I really do have a very high tolerance for pain) All I could think of was that women all over the world would not have this operation repeatedly if it hurt that bad. I was panicking and could not breathe with the mask on my face and finally the doctor gave me more meds. I was wild eyed and my husband gently touched my hair and rubbed my face. Sadly, that is the last tender gesture I would get from him for the next three years.
I wanted to see her. I wanted them to hurry. I heard her cry and they put her face next to mine and then she was calm. And I was calm. She was perfect. She was lovely and quiet and looking with her big eyes.
There are days when I wonder where I'd be without Zoe. How my life would be different or if it would be better somehow. The hardest and lonliest of my days make me feel that it would.
But most of the days. Like today. I know I'd be entirely lost without her. She is part of me.
I tell her the story of her birth at least once a week. She asks me to. I keep it to the basics of how they took her out of my belly and then they put her face next to mine. Then Zoe says "and here I am. I'm still your baby."
Happy Birthday, my darling daughter.
http://home.earthlink.net/~debsterc/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/SweetZoe2.jpg
----------------------
Ok, we're off. It's a ZoeMommy day and there's much to see and do
Posted by debutaunt at March 20, 2004 02:44 AM | TrackBack