debutaunt.com

Coke Users & Alcoholics Need Not Apply

I originally posted this on June 22, 2004.

Now, I'm reflecting and still haunted by it. By my stupidity. I loved that fucking man, but he did some messed up things to me to mindfuck me. He still is. I originally pulled the post because I felt like an asshole for taking him back.

Yet 5 months later it is more true and more relevant than ever.

I plead temporary insanity for the relationship, yet he is telling everyone that I am really insane. That I have multiple personality disorder. Well, perhaps that was caused by all the fucked up shit he used to do to me. There was so much that I could never write about, mainly because I was humiliated and embarrassed. I don't handle lack of sleep and unnecessary drama very well.

Also the new one I heard is that and I'm a bad mother. I know I have had some issues being a mom (you all have read about them), but now that the "pig" is gone (Zoe's words), and I don't have a 3 hour commute every day, my life with Zoe is closer to what I knew it could have been. My blood sugars are getting a bit more in check and I'm not as stressed because my house stays clean pretty much. Life is good.

So, now he says he was apparently was "living a lie" (his new mantra about our relationship).

Now he and shebitch are about to start their life together.

[quote]I look forward to our life. With more ambition than I have ever put into anything. I swear this to you. On my heart I swear. You took a piece of it once and never gave it back. Now it's all yours. All of it. With everything I can put into it.

I hope that all this doesn't scare you. I don't think that it will. I am all yours B.

I love you.

Yours,

'Chef' [/quote]

She is now eating my leftovers. Good riddance to bad rubbish. She is more than welcome to his confused sorry ass. They really are perfect for eachother. I said that all along.

Besides, he's a war mongering Republican. We had a fight one night until 3am because he said after 9-11 we should have destroyed the entire Middle East. Like Egypt, Israel, all of them. You know ... those "brown" people. Can you say dodged a bullet like the dude in the Matrix?

I know I'm bitter. Mostly because I don't like moochers who owe me money. And people that try to re-write history and fabricate their own version of the truth to hide their own lies.

If you love someone
you show it
actions speak louder than
all your
bullshit
excuses and lies

AND FUCK YOU FOR SAYING I'M A BAD MOM. Because you know it's not true.

Yes. The locks are changed. And all is pretty dang peaceful. At least in my heart and my head and my home.

---------------------------

Yeah. 2:00 am. I kicked his ass out.

It's 3 now. This is a horrible post, but I don't want to talk about it again. He's just not the man I thought or really hoped he'd be. Or the one I know he COULD be. The more I write about this, the more I think my brain has been deprived of oxygen from all the vicodan or something.

This will be the last installment of The Chef Chronicles. I'm fucking high on vicodan and really pissed off. Past the debbitch stage.

God brings people into our lives for a purpose.

There was part of that man that was wonderful and sweet, and that is the man that I love. The man he was when we were alone at home. And I honestly believed him when he said he loved me.

The public so-called "celebrity" persona was a demon and self-destructive and an embarrassment at times. I can't handle that. He needs to realize that you can be a star without acting like one. And that our friends, seriously, don't want to know all the stuff you tell them about our sex life. It did truly embarrass me. (like I should talk - helllllooooo journal - but still - I was more vague than he is)

But after tonight - I am now a "psycho" and I need to "pull my head out of my ass." Now he's happy because he "doesn't have to hear me bitch anymore." And that "Dr. Egypt was smart to run away from a psycho like me."

I'm sure he will soon be telling the tales of the psycho editor. And telling all my secrets that I spilled when I was taking vicodan.

[aside]You know I really do hate this stuff. I hate having to take something to make the pain stop. I am going to get off of it. I am going to heal and be well and get back to the fucking Year of the Deb damnitall!!![aside over]

I'm sorry, but how hard is it to understand that I don't want you calling the lap dancing cunt aka your "friend" (who signs her emails to you "always loving you"?) Um. From the phone I gave you and spent $170 getting set up. Money I didn't have and can't get back. And now I'm stuck with an extra $50 a month for a phone bill. Thanks, fucker.

I specifically said that no one else was a big deal - flirt away. But you knew that I thought of the fucking white trash bitch as an impediment to our relationship, you even agreed, and yet you felt the need to call her about 15 times today. AFTER I REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU THAT I DIDN'T WANT THAT BITCH TO HAVE YOUR NUMBER OR FOR YOU TO CALL HER ANYMORE. Then you have the nerve to tell me that I'm not your mother. That she's your friend. (hmmm... most of my friends don't want to fuck me and hate my boyfriend & try to sabotage our relationship... need I go on??)

Well fuck that. I don't need that kind of bullshit. I will NEVER EVER EVER need a man that bad.

Ask that bitch how my fucking chonch tastes, will ya?

And no. I'm upset. But more relieved than upset. I have my house back. I can keep it clean when I'm not picking up after someone too lazy to put a cup away. Or too rude to bother giving me any money when I asked for it to buy groceries and medication.

The main issues too dramatic to discuss here. Although I have about zero respect for his privacy (as he made it more than clear that I'm a psycho anyway - just like the "psycho teacher" he nearly married only 3 months prior to meeting me that he so loved to tell stories about. I'm sure he will do the same of me. After all he told all his co-workers about my chonch before they even met me ... that was fun *rolls eyes here*)

The difference is, I have a wonderful child. I have an obligation to raise her. And I can't raise her around someone so self destructive. She needs to see someone that sets a good example. Just like I was doing BEFORE he moved right the fuck in. Eating well. Going to the gym. Going to bed on time. Not drinking or smoking (especially in front of her). Drugs - ug. I can't even think about that now. Bathing. You know. Beaver Cleaver type stuff.

My house feels so much like home now.

And you know what ... although I didn't think about him as much, I still managed to be thinking about Dr. Egypt quite often. And how lovely he was. And how he didn't smother me or embarrass me. And he didn't snore the wallpaper off. Or hurt my back. Or get lap dances from chicks that disrespect and hate me. Or go to a titty bar till 3am and not call me. Or ask my friends for some "coke" for the road. That was nice.

Dr. Egypt wasn't always the nicest guy. But inherently he was a class person. And he loved me. And you all know I adored him. I still do. I always will. He just was too busy to be the person I needed him to be when I needed it. (and yes, he actually still does call on occasion - last week - and still acts like I just had seen him or something.) As L(space)D always puts it ... Le Sigh. One of those guys you love but know it will never be.

Oh man. I've said way more than I want to. I was actually in bed by 9:30 am tonight as I have my first physical therapy tomorrow at 8:30am. Fuck!!

But dude, you need to grow the fuck up. No self-respecting woman is going to put up with your drama and your mind games. Or another woman in their lives.

As you so eloquently put it to me ... Go fuck yourself.

Posted by debutaunt at November 22, 2004 03:27 AM