debutaunt.com

Footloose, Part Deux

Sorry. Sad today. Tired.

What music do you play when you wish you were dead?

Because today I do. I seriously, really do. I'm beaten. I feel like giving it all up. I'm tired of working just to come home exhausted.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't enjoy my life because my back is too sore. Yeah still. It's still incredibly painful all the time. I miss being able to chase Zoe around and pick her up and carry her. I miss being able to clean my house and just do normal things without being reminded that I now have the back of a 92 year old.

I miss sex (due to the period from hell - and yeah, there are other things we could do, but I don't feel up to it). I miss feeling sexy. I feel beyond ugly and tired. I can't wear high heels or shake my ass or dance like a fool.

It's a bad day. A whiny tired exhausted day.

Not able to sleep.

I still have my period. What is that? Like 17 days now? It never pays to take shortcuts.

I'm exhausted and think that I'm a) anemic now from blood loss and b) dehydrated. I keep drinking water but it never feels like I can get enough.

I've got to get to a doctor. Actually like 3. My OBGYN, my orthopedic surgeon (may get injections of some sort), and my internist to take care of my diabetes. Except I have to try to do this on a non-work day. Impossible.

I'm tired of people saying I'm a horrible mean person. Maybe I am? I am sure of it. I feel evil somehow by this. Survey says ... yes, she must be. I feel it. I'm miserable and a toad.

I can't get the image of Zoe waving goodbye at me this morning. Calling out to me like four times. She never does that. Never. Maybe she senses my sadness. I know she does.

Mommy. Smiling. Bye Mommy. Blowing kisses. Eating her pancakes and drinking her milk. Byeeee Mommmmyyyyy. More kisses. She kissed me on the mouth and said it was a chocolate milk kiss. Byeeeee Mommmmyyyy. Even as I was walking out the door. Surreal like a movie. This beauty. This angel saying goodbye. Nothing else exists but her heart.

It feels the same way it did when I was having premonitions of my death a while ago. Then I almost got hit by that bus. Death. Dying. Like it truly is going to happen soon. I'm really sad today.

I seriously feel like I'm dying. I seriously wish I were dead.

I have enough meds prescribed to me to kill about 5 people. Were it not for that cute face, well today I would just about do it.

Because I'm just so fucking lame today. Glad some of you enjoy that. And fuck you for reading this. Fuck you. You have no business reading this. I hope something bad happens right back to you for enjoying my misery today. Because it will. I curse you, you fucking assholes.

I just want to go home, curl up in my bed with my Zoe Snuggle Puppy and sleep for a thousand hours.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

Posted by debutaunt at August 6, 2004 12:04 PM | TrackBack