In response to some comments. My apologies to Sass, but I didn't mean it thataway.
Yes, I used your IM convo S., but you weren't the only one discussing it with me that day. What was projected was not exactly a directly a response to what you asked, but moreso of how the majority of my friends breathed a collective sigh of relief when they found out that we split.
"He was never good for you."
"There's something just shady about him."
"Is he using drugs?" (um, fuck if I really know or knew)
"Why didn't he send you money when you needed it?" (um, again. fuck if I really know)
"He was such a douchebag when he got drunk." (yeah, no shit)
"I know he loved you. Why was he such a fuckup then?" (this is the million dollar question, cause the dude had so much potential. He just had too many issues.)
blah blah blah.
youknowthisandIknowthiswhichiswhyIdidwhatIdid
(And usually [unfortunately] Sass, you heard the one-sided convos, gripes, etc. because you always asked about it. Which kind of bugged me. Only because I didn't like talking about it. Of course I was embarrassed. Who wouldn't be? I felt like an idiot. And it just kept getting worse. Yes there were some awesome times and moments that are so clear in my head about how wonderful and sweet he was, but I don't think anyone could ever get that. Because after all the shit that he put me through, all of it just seemed so fake.
And Goddamnit, Sassy, you are fucking high-larious and I wish that we were better friends, but I always kind of felt like an asshole talking to you about my shit relationship. I'd much rather talk about funny stuff. Or go hang out and have a beer. But since most of my friends are the ones that you don't really want to hang with, that never seemed an option. This is something that I'd love to remedy, but who knows.)
But *I'm* the one that is glad it's over. I was overwhelmed, tired of the drama, tired of excuses, tired of the lies, and especially tired of it being so much work. Tired all around I guess.
I've been in several serious relationships, but none were that hard. None made me be so full of self-doubt. None made me so distrustful.
And all of it was so confusing. Because I know he loved me. I loved him. When he wasn't fucking up, he treated me like a queen. I saw the potential he had. I saw what our relationship *could* have been and I guess I wanted it so much I figured I would have to make it work. And to me the "could have beens" were blinding me to the "what really ares."
But you know what? It shouldn't have to be like that. It was (to me) more about working on making it work than wanting it to work I think. I wanted to throw in the towel and I know I did a few times. Because it was just so fucking exhausting. Exasperating. Overwhelming.
Like I said. I'm sure it was for most of you (my friends) as well. Why is someone so smart going through all this shit? Why does she put up with that kind of behavior and the lies? What is wrong with her?
When it was good, it was great. But he just didn't want to (or couldn't figure out how to) be the man he could be. He just wanted to hold back and be stuck in the past and be stuck in his issues. And as many times as I told him to "snap out of it," he just wouldn't. I never got it. I still don't.
(maybe, like I said in Lunchbox's journal, if he would just stop living like a fictional character, and not have this fictional vision of what life *should* be, and start living in reality and dealing with real-life ... that's what I'm sayin...)
We all have issues. We've all had shitty relationships, but to project those fears and those deals on your new partner dooms you to failure from the start. It would be one thing if your partner is showing similar behavior to what you've dealt with in the past, but to put it out there first, to think that they are the same - with no proof, is just wrong.
Anyway, I apologize to Chef. It's rather unfair of me to talk about Chef.
So I think we at the debu_journal need to drop it from here.
Mmmkay.
Posted by debutaunt at October 26, 2004 10:16 AM | TrackBackWhy is someone so smart going through all this shit? Why does she put up with that kind of behavior and the lies? What is wrong with her?
That last thought--that bolded one. Erase that one from your brain. We, as women, are somehow pre-fucked-over to believe that there is something wrong with us if something isn't working out, or going perfectly. And it's a load of bollocks. Sometimes shit is just wrong. It isn't anyone's fault. Not everything has to be the fault of someone. Sometimes, hell, often times, shit just sucks.
I did know that the conversations I heard were only the bad things. And I do remember how he sounded when he talked about you that one day--I know there was love between you two. I read somewhere, or heard in some whacked out seminar once, that for a relationship to work, there needs to be at least eight really good things to every bad thing. That's something I probably should have put a voice to, as it was in my head, but you know--again, part of the prefuckedupness of being a woman is expecting everyone to be fucking psychic. Why aren't you psychic, Deb?! :-p
Don't feel like an asshole. Frankly, while you were going through volitle shit with Chef, I was going through a shitstorm of almost identical stuff with a guy as well. I'm not gonna look down on you because you wanted a relationship to work, or because you tried even though you probably knew it wouldn't work. I'm just as, if not moreso, guilty of that.
The past is a familiar place. People like familiar. It takes bigger ovaries to move forward. Good on ya for recognising that you've got them.
The thing that hit a nerve was the hatred thing. (And that the wee bit of passive aggression, but whatever--we're chicks.) I don't hate him--never did. I wanted to make that clear. If I did, I'd have told you. Trust me on that.
Posted by: Sassinator at October 26, 2004 11:05 AMAhhh poop. You don't have HTML in your comments. Pretend that first bit of copied text is italicised and the last line is also bolded.
Posted by: Sassinator at October 26, 2004 11:05 AMPhew. That was a major catch up for me! I'm sorry that you & Chef couldn't work it out. Sometimes relationships are so intense (highs being incredible and lows being terminal) that they can't sustain. I don't think the human condition can deal with those extremes. Here's to finding an even keel next time.
K
Posted by: Thorn at October 26, 2004 12:01 PM