I wrote this on my local dating site, of which I'm a pretty shady member.
Ok, this is to the dudes contemplating dating we single moms, of which there are many on this site; moms that is, not particularly dudes that want to date us. Shut up. I'm writing here.
The #1 #1 #1 Rule - More like a mantra - say it all together now:
Respect the Mother-f*ckring Mom's Night Off.
Mom's night off by definition are freaking sacred. They are few and far between. Some of us only get like 3-4 a month, and God bless those that get none at all. God love ya, and I hope you have a regular sitter.
Sometimes they aren't scheduled, or are last minute. - Goooo with it. Step into the light.
Sometimes they don't work out. Things happen. Dad's back out. Kids get sick. - Don't you dare be pissy with me about it. Accept the fact that we will have to rain check you.
Sometimes we really look forward to them. - Don't stand us up. Cause focker, we could have made other plans with someone who would appreciate it.
Sometimes we really just want to have a teeny tiny break from our lives. - No, I'm not looking for a new babydaddy or a sugar daddy. My kid has a dad and I pay my own way. No, I don't want to have your 39018349 babies. No, I don't have a wedding dress pressed and ready to go. Sometimes we just want someone to treat us with respect in the same way you would someone you love and care about. Doesn't mean I'm going to want that tomorrow. I might. I just want to forget about how hard it all is sometimes, and get caught up in a moment. Naked. So shut up and don't think so damn much.
Don't you freaking understand what Mom's Night Off means?? (girls, I'm shakin my head because some of these boys have noooo idea what lurks in the heart of a single mom on the edge)
Mom's Night Off means:
A night of no whining. This should also apply to you, wussy boys.
A night of some drinking. I may want to get my drink on; and, I really may want to not have to wake up with a hangover by a kid with her foot in my kidney crying that she wants some bacon and juice and her green socks and wants to watch the Girl Spy Show... noooooowwwww, Mommy!!
A night of some ass shakin. I'm gonna get my rump shake on and get tipsy in the club. Come watch. It's amazing - especially sans cameras.
A night of debauchery. If you know how to make us shimmy and ache, this could include you.
A night of dressing sexy. Or dressing up. It's the lovliest thing to leave the house without snot or yogurt on your clothing. Or to wear high CFM pumps and know that you don't have to carry around a 42 pound child who is too tired to walk.
A night of being a woman. And not "a mom." I love being a mom. It's my greatest joy. But sometimes it's just nice to talk to an adult and act like an adult. To hug a big person. And not to have to wipe someone's ass in the middle of my freaking dinner.
A night for me. Which really is a night for us. A night that we will remember. A night of fun and companionship. Make me want to write about it. Then you know you done good.
A night of kisses. It's nice to be able to kiss someone without little eyes watching and questions about "Mommy, is he your best friend?" or "Ewww. Gross, Mom. You are the keeper of his spit now." I want to make out like it was the last day my lips were going to be attached to my face. I want to kiss until they are numb and then kiss some more. I want you to lick and suck and kiss me until my lips look like Angelina Jolie on collagen, damnit.
And finally. Finally. What this is really really about people!
SEX. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SEX. AND IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THIS THAN I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU ANYWAY!! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WHEN MY CHILD ISN'T IN THE HOUSE SO I CAN GET LOUD AND FREAKY AND HANG FROM THE CHANDELIER AND HAVE SEX IN EVERY ROOM IN EVERY WAY AND CALL OUT FOR JESUS ON A POGO STICK AND MAKE YOU SEE GOD TEN DIFFERENT TIMES THEN TAKE A SHOWER TO GET EVEN WICKED FREAKIER AND THEN. FINALLY. FINALLY. IN ALL THAT IS HOLY. I WANT TO SLEEP LIKE THE LIVING DEAD.
So when we call you, to join us for a mom's night off, you better come. Quickly and quietly. So no one gets hurt. No hesitations. No maybe's. No, there might be something better to do that night. Bring your best game because you are gonna need it tonight!
We promise to make it worth your while.
or at least I will for those that are on the other end of *my* phone call.
~debu_naked
Single Sexy Momma Extraordinaire
it is hard to make me laugh but you just did. you must get rid of the password. NOW.
Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at January 28, 2005 02:13 PM