First off, I know what I signed up for when I became a mom. Now granted, I never THOUGHT I'd be a single mom. If that had crossed my stupid mind at the time that that was a possibility, I would have never chosen to have a child at all. So this isn't a Deb is Regretting Her Decision to be a Mom sort of post ...
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Now that we got that out of the way, on to something I need to get out of my head.
Ok, I know. Everyone is giving me shit about The Boy for Sex. (cause I know you all love me, but stillllllll....)
From my perspective, you all either:
a) have a dude in your life that kisses you, listens to you, cares for you, cares about you, or sexes you up when you need a little something something. Yes I have friends that care about me, but sorry, y'all may be some sexy mofos, but I don't want to fuck you.
or
b) actually get some time off from your little ones and/or have another grown up in the mix to help you out. You don't know how much this helps. It's why I've been sending out resumes for Zoe's dad. I need him here. For her. and for my sanity.
or
c) don't have kids.
It's not like having a pet. You can't just leave them home alone when you run to get some milk. You can't neglect them a little bit to make it up to them later. Your world revolves around them. It's your freaking JOB for Christsake. If they could take care of themselves, God wouldn't have made them so little and cute to start off with. It's a test. Of your patience and love.
You also can't take a pee without having a little one coming in to ask you questions. I rarely get to finish a meal. I can't remember the last time this happened without me standing up in the middle of my dinner at least once.
How often do you stop in the middle of dinner to wipe someone's ass? It is a regular occurance in the debu_household. (I think it has something to do with their little bellies can only hold so much that they usually have to stop and get some of it out before they can finish eating. Sorry to be gruesome, but it's a mom thing to know about this phenomenon.)
You can't read a book/watch tv/talk on the phone without having to get up to get them some milk, their barbie's other pink shoe, their Big Baby, their magical green socks, and on and on and on.
You can't go out on a whim and meet up with people sans kiddo. With adults. With men. With strangers. By yourself.
You constantly worry and stress that you are fucking up your kid. I don't know many pet owners that truly worry about if their dog thinks "God must hate me" or not. Because Zoe actually said that to me the other day. And it ripped my fucking heart out.
You work your ass off through blood sweat and tears (many) because it's not like you can just give your child away if things don't work out.
Can't I just want someone to be man enough to come and nurture me once in a while? Am I not allowed to be vunerable?
I can't take care of my kid if I can't take care of myself. And it's human to want someone to be with. Yes, I've been hurt before. This journal is full of that. But it's not like it will be the last time in my life. And I know what I've gotten into. And it really is O-K.
And Goddamnit if someone else tells me I need to just go get a vibrator, I might have to get one and shove it in your ear. (no, wait, some of y'all might like that - ewww). Sorry, but for me, masturbation is NOT an adequate substitute for sex.
Sex to me is fulfilling (usually because I don't have sex with people I don't care about), and masturbating is fulfilling for like .00023 seconds. Then you are like... ok, now what?
Besides, I sleep with my kiddo and never want to hear, "Mommy, what's that buzzing noise?" Trust me, when there's a little foot in your back the mood doesn't strike you to go, "hey, I think it's time to break out Mr. Monster Dick2000!!"
I'm alone almost all of the time. (not that Zoe's not there, but you know what I mean). I talk on the phone sometimes. I'm on the internet. But it isn't enough. I want someone there to give *me* a fucking hug when I need one. I want to see you smile at my jokes and then want to kiss you because you think I'm dorktastic. You, too, embrace my inner dork.
I don't mind being alone, I actually like being with my child too, but when it's all you do, it's nice to NOT be alone once in a while. It's nice to be Debby and not just Mommy.
So let me enjoy him while I still have the opportunity to do so. Yes, I'd love more with him. But I'm a pretty realistic motherfucker. Mr. Right ain't happenin' right now, so in the meantime, I want some me time. And what I need to satisfy me RIGHT NOW is to feel like someone gives two shits about me.
I know he's not my Mr. Perfect, but I like him and he likes me. And the sex is really really nice. (how often do you have best ever?) It's easy and it works for me. I'll take what I can get. It's just enough to carry me through this trying period in my life.
Life is too short to be waiting around for Mr. Wonderful. I've met too many turds and trolls and tramps to keep the faith. To keep even wanting to look some more. And I don't fucking have time to look. What if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? What if my diabetes finally says, hey, here's the stroke I've been promising you? And what if he never fucking shows up? I'm leaving Mr. Wonderful up to fate, chance, whatever. If he's meant to be, he'll find his way to me.
The Boy for Sex, well, is a wonderful lovely beautiful man. He makes me feel like ME again. And even if it's under false pretenses (which in my heart, it truly doesn't feel that way), well at least he makes me feel SOMETHING. Yes, sometimes it hurts. It's imperfect. But I'm hurting. I'm imperfect. So right now. Right at *this* point in my life. It works.
And all your concern *is* appreciated. I wouldn't fucking love you all like I do if I thought you were assholes. But all the concern in the world isn't going to let me escape my hard ass life for just this moment.
And I'm grateful for him. I love him just as I love you all.
Now. I better go earn my keep. Because I am not really into livin on the street.
Posted by debutaunt at February 3, 2005 02:42 PM