I know I spill all here. But you know what, it's my blog and I can post whatever the fuck I want to. I pay for the domain. I pay for the bloghosting. And I pay, well, that's about all I pay for, but it's my place. So fuck off if you don't like what I have to say.
I am starting a new category. It's called "I Don't Want to Motherfucking Know."
See. I post to a few forums. I'm the resident snark/cunt/bitch whatever. And lately peeps have been posting stuff that, well... you get it. TMI bitches.
I'm glad you are fucking. Hell. I'm glad when anyone fucks. I really am. It doesn't affect me. It makes you happy. I don't care that your new fuckbuddy is a complete tool or an asswad, because frankly I'm not sleeping with him, so I don't give a shit.
But I don't care. Even when it was Bennifer or Brad and Jen, I could give a shit. I'm happy for ya, but damn, no one really truly gives a shit.
Oh sure, you will get the standard, "oh, you are such a sweetie. I'm so happy for you" / "he better be good to you or I'll snatch you right up" kind of replies.
But in the grand scheme of things... honey, no one really gives a fuck. And they really really really won't give a fuck if you post your gushing on and on all over the place.
I don't mind a few anecdotes. I think they are cute and sweet. Flirting. No biggie to me. But fucking dominating every single thread or forum with how much you like to stick your tongue in homeboy's asscrack is just too much information.
We're going camping... "Oh, I can't wait to get under the stars with my sweetie."
I've not been feeling well lately ... "Yeah, my sweetie had hemorrhoid, I made him some home made ass butt cream"
The Pope died and I'm sad ... "I once fantasized about fucking at the Vatican with my baby. I came and screamed 'ominous dominous patris sanctus sustus'."
Basically, even if you were my bestgoodgirlfriend, I truly am happy for you, but please, shut the fuck up already.
And God forbid the hints to "cool it" don't work. So you try being blunt. Then it ends up being the antichrist of tact/debbitch move. Hey, if you weren't such a dipshit, you would realize that
a) no one wants to read it, and
b) while I'm sure your bootknocker loves you beyond comprehension, he's got to be uncomfortable reading your mush about his big strong arms or his passionate kisses. Or that he has a giant dick. Yes, it's flattering, but guys don't want to read that or to let others know their secrets. They might lose their mojo jojo, and
c) if it's not your first go round with a "successful" relationship, perhaps you should wait more than a month or two or six to go around telling everyone that you've found the love of your life. Let's see. Since Christmas you've happened to find him three times? Oh, wait, you mean three. different. dudes. Whooptie.
finally
d) from someone who has gushed too soon and too often, there's nothing more sobering than reading past posts about your failed relationship(s). Except maybe reading his posts as well. Or seeing that Ms. Perfect tongue down a new hottie at a bar in front of your face all the while knowing that somewhere in internet infinity there is a post that says Ms. Suckface is 'everything I have wanted to find in someone so far.'
Now now, they surely doth protesteth when you say... hey... ok... slow yer roll with the posts already. They say they aren't being graphic. They say don't piss on their parade.
But since you basically have sent out a press release about your new relationship we already know you are fucking. When you mention staying in bed or having to go shower off because you are "exerted," we know exactly who you have been boinging. When you post that there is no need to fake an orgasm, we can visualize you and Mr. Sproing going at it like a couple of humping camels.
I. Just. Don't. Want. To. Know. That. About. You.
I know I am graphic here. I'm sure it grosses some of you out. Some have even mentioned this to me. But you know what, it's my motherfucking site. And you don't have to read about me and mine when you are simply trying to read a topic - about food or an event or any subject ... because I don't post my shit where you are trying to eat. Stop dominating the fucking forum with your blather.
It's like having a conversation with a group of women and one keeps focusing every single topic back to her.
Shut. Your. Goddamn. Piehole. We get it already. Yippeee. You're fucking.
By me telling you to shut it, I might actually be doing you a favor. On matters of the heart, I often connect with men more often than women.
Women can be stupid as hell in relationships. I know I am. But when it comes to looking at others, I think like a dude. And your fucking dude (unless he's as much of a tool as you) doesn't want you to post that shit either. It makes them nervous. What if I can't get it up one night? Are all our friends going to read about *that* on the forums?
Some people actually have fantastic sex and they don't post it somewhere on the internet. Holy shit. Figure that one out.
They must be losers.
Posted by debutaunt at April 8, 2005 12:51 AM