debutaunt.com

Ouch

Random Google.
Random email sent.
Random phone call to my office at 5pm.

Dr. Egypt. He lives. He lives in ... Delaware. I emailed him out of the blue and he phoned me back at work. He wants to see me. He wants to see me this weekend. He is on vacation for a few days and wants to buy a ticket and fly here. This weekend.

I feel like crying.

My heart will always ache for this man. I have never loved anyone as much as that before. I doubt I ever will. But my head knows that his affections are as random and fleeting as his phone calls.

I know he would never intentionally hurt me, but his genius absent-mindedness is legendary. He is a busy man. A heart surgeon with a great career that he works at like crazy. I haven't seen him in nearly three years. I really doubt he will end up here this weekend. It wouldn't be the first time his plans changed. So I will go about my debu_business as usual.

I know he loved me because I was never work for him. Because we adored each other and we just ... were.

And I miss him like no other.

I'm not going to think about this not one more second. I am going to make myself not care about the outcome like I have been making myself not really care about any man for years. I don't take any of them seriously. Besides, not one single one of them has earned that.

I swear if they x-rayed my heart right now, there it would be, frozen in a vault that would rival Fort Knox. Covered in cobwebs. Because I can't take this or anything else. I can't because it hurts to think about.

So I'm off to make fajitas. Too bad I don't have 'rita fixings because I would be getting shitty drunk rightaboutnow.

Posted by debutaunt at September 28, 2005 07:35 PM