debutaunt.com

Biopsy or Bioopsy?

Debu_kickingcancer'sass FAQ:

1. If you read the prior day's entries, well I guess I was feeling kinda crappy. I barely remember writing any of it as I was so tired. Friday I woke up as usual to go to work, but had a bad headache and some tingly arm stuff going on. I called my sis at the crack of ass and asked her to take Zoe to school after she dropped me off at the ER in cracker city (the burbs where I live). I really needed to be at work, and nearly didn't go. I mean... I didn't feel any more exhausted that I usually do for work. Right? Right? (I know you moms feel me on this)

My cat scan and other tests were all A-OK. But then chicken doc nonchalantely said... But your white blood count is pretty high. I'm thinking... Ah. An infection - derr. So I ask ... "how high?"

Well it's supposed to be under 11,000, but yours is 125,000.

At this point, I think he's mistaken. I was like.. um. ok.

SHIT.

Later, the hemotologist confirms it wasn't lab error. By an act of Grace, one phone call allowed me to get transferred to one of the best hospitals in the country. So. If you are stuck with this fucked up leukemia, this is the place to be.

2. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm going to kick this cancer's ass. I refuse to worry about any of this as I pretty much gave it all up to God when they first told me. Let Him worry about it. I have a kid I love and want to raise and in order to see her, I have to get my dumb ass better. I don't have time to worry about later, just tell me what I need to do next. At this motherfucking minute. I'll handle the rest of it, and what I can't, it's God's mess to deal with.

3. This hospital's food is pretty freaking good. Not just good for hospital food, but good for food in general. Although from what I understand, the food tastes of nothing when you go on chemo. They said not to eat any of your favorites as after chemo, the smell of it will make you sick and you will never want to eat it again. Basically, this is the ultimate diet. And I better not be the only fucking girl who has chemo and doesn't lose weight. Now that would make me one seriously pissed off beyotch.

4. I have become very intimate with the Granny Can (the toilet that doesn't flush). Definition: Ew.

5. Someone asked if I could have sex in my room. If there was a lock, I'd be tempted. (oh, wait. there's no dude to have sex *with*) But it's basically Grand Central Station with masks, gloves and gowns. Too bad the only latex action going on in this crib will be the damn rubber gloves. Although the docs here. Um. Wow. Just wow. Too bad I look like bizarro woman with tubes and the most heinous of all hospital gowns. Soooooo not flattering.

6. I am apparently an amazon woman. The peeps here are kind of freaking out that I don't really have the typical symptoms of someone with my kind of leukemia (which is called A L L, which is all long and spelly and I don't feel like looking it up for you). When the doc did some tests on me this morning, she was like... dang. You're strong. Uh, yeah. I ain't no wimpy girl. Get used to it.

7. Aside from the headache here and there, and some random weirdness in my left hand, I actually feel pretty freaking good. I think it probably is because I'm not having to take care of Zoe all while not feeling so well myself. Which is apparently what I have been doing for quite some time. It's still hard to care for yourself, but when you know that you can eat a hot meal and not have to stop to wipe someone's butt in the middle of dinner - well - let's just say it's a wee bit more relaxing.

8. I have now been poked 45 times in 3 days. IVs, blood draws, blood sugar tests, biopsies, meds, and on and on. You'd think my blood was freaking Iraq Oil at the rate they all want it.

9. If you misplace your cell phone, check your crotch.

10. Go. Right now. And take a shower or a nice bath. My room does not come with a shower, so I have to schedule one. And even then, because I had this biopsy-in-my-ass-hip thingy this morning, I am not allowed to take a shower. So please. Go bathe for me. And appreciate it. Use some good smelly body stuff too.

11. I have awesome friends. Even the strange internet ones. I can't describe the love I feel. I mean, so weird. I should be scared to death, but I feel safe in their love. Ok. Well that's like way gay, but damn, it's true. They all pitched in and bought me a laptop so I could stay connected. Oh wait. Selfish bitches. They just want me to entertain them as usual. All right. I'll try.

12. I have an even more amazing family. See. All these people think I'm mean and bitchy, but apparently I must have been like Mother Theresa in a previous life because I was blessed with the most kickass family a girl could get. There is no better.

13. Zoe is with Sis #2. She and her hubs have 4 kiddos. Zoe has grown up with them and is just like one of the gang. My sisters and I were all pregnant at the same time - so we all have 5 year olds. They have other kids, but I've always considered all their kiddos like my own. They are like little sweet parts of my heart. I could not adore them more.

When we all had our kids, we'd sit around and breastfeed in the same room. So basically me and my sisters are the "Tres Leches." Since I'm incapacitated rightaboutnow, my sister's have done their leche duty and are taking on my Zoe for me. I could not have asked for any better. I know they love her like I do. And this comfort is the only thing that is making this entire ordeal bearable. The only thing.

14. Note to hospital administrators: sharing rooms sucks ass. At the Chicken Cornpone hospital I had to share a room with a mom who only spoke Spanish. Her teenage daughter was visiting and basically had the phone connected to her ear. "No you DINT. You DINT. Nut uh. I forgive you. You know why. I'm not going to tell you. Well then I DON'T - forget you." Thank Hey-Zeus that I have a private room here. I don't want to see no 80 year old boob.

15. When you really need to reach something and are in your room, it will be exactly right there out of reach.

16. Did I mention that I hate peeing in the Granny Can? Oh. Yeah. I did.

17. I actually do miss my coworkers. My lovely enginerds and the girls. Work was always just work - not bad, not great - I didn't mind it and it paid the bills (somewhat). But I miss being there. I miss not thinking about any of this whirlwind and just doing a good day's work. Downtown with the tunnels, the quick vendors, and interacting with people who weren't wearing masks, gloves, and hospital gowns Makes you sad to hear the words - you probably won't be working for another year and a half. I can't think about that now. But still...

18. I hate daytime tv.

19. I miss my Zoe. I miss her so much. I have to take care of me and her pictures remind me exactly why. There is NO other option. It's not a choice. It's not a challenge. It's just fact.

20. There are some really sick people here. I'm going to try (with your help) to laugh through this whole fucking mess. Because while I may be sick, I'm still a snarky, sick, stubborn beyotch.

Peace and Peeing in the Granny Can!

Posted by debutaunt at October 24, 2005 11:34 PM