debutaunt.com

Poke Poke Buzz Buzz

My nemesis - The Granny Can

So far, for being as sick as I am, I feel pretty danged good. Pray that I don't get any fevers or infections because so far I haven't had any fever. I love it when they check my vitals and are like... nope, no fevers. The small triumphs are the best and will probably be daily goals of mine.

My white blood cells are having a fucking heyday though. Yesterday they were 136,000 and today they are up to 161,000. Um. That's kind of scary as hell since they are supposed to be below 10,000. But fuck them. Me and my chemo are soon coming to reckoning day on their funky reproducing asses.

I haven't started the chemo yet. The orders are given, but the pharmacy has to be the ones to give the final orders. I don't want to know all too much about it because my nurse told me that each patient reacts differently. Some have lots of nausea, some none. Some lose hair, some don't. So I just am going to do it and not think about it. I only dread it if it gives me the trot-skis because then it is just me and Granny Can. Maybe I'll get a stack of Star Magazines to read while I'm ... oh.... sorry. Way the fuck too much info. My bad.

My main issues are that my blood sugars are a little jacked. I made a call to my own Endocrinologist to get this shit straight. Controlling diabetes isn't rocket science, but you can't take someone's blood sugar when they are eating - helloooooo???

That and the fact that I'm sore. Too much bed time and not enough moving. I think a massage is going to happen today. That and a pedicure would be heaven. And nearly normal.

This morning I made a jail break and went downstairs. I had on rubber gloves, a mask and was carrying my IV tower. Even though I looked a bit space alien, nothing felt better than walking into the hospital Starbucks, ordering an iced venti non-fat latte, and sitting on a bench outside in the cool air. I parked myself a bit in the lobby on these lounge chairs. It was wonderful, but also frightening as this might have been my last venture outside of my room for a long while.

After they give you the chemo, your immune system is like a newborn. You can't be around people or crowds and could die from a simple cold. So contemplating for a second that this could possibly be my last time outside or even my room, I nearly faltered in my fierceness.

But then there's Uma. I was eating breakfast yesterday and flipped on the tv. I don't watch most of it because it's so boring during the day. So kind of in a trance, I leave it on Regis' show. He's there with his wife just blah blah blah, dull dull dull, and then guess who his guest star is?

Uma Fucking Thurman. UMA FUCKING BADASS THURMAN. The bitch that is going to help me kill the 99s that are my evil mutating blood cells.

“When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you’re doing his will.”

I totally took it as a sign and if anyone knows Uma, I am one day going to meet that chick and shake her badass Kill Bill hand.

[aside] Before I told you all to savor your shower. Your assignment for today is to go outside for a brisk walk and really breathe in the air. [aside over]

This morning was lovely, and somewhat tinged with sadness like when Zoe came to see me Saturday. I was dressed in full patient/alien garb, and I had to go to the 2nd floor as kids under age 12 aren't allowed at all on this floor. As I walked up, I saw the fear in her eyes. She didn't know what to make of it and finally came up and hugged me. I told her hugs make mommy get well faster. She said she was afraid to sit in my lap because she didn't want to hurt me, but I told her that it was ok.

When she sat on my lap, I explained a bit to her about what was going on. I said that Mommy's blood was sick, and the medicine in the tower was what was going to make her better. That this big hu-mang-ous (that's how she says it) hospital was the best one to make mom's blood better. I also told her that the medicine was so powerful that it might make mommy's hair fall right out. But that was kind of funny because now she and my Sis #2 could go shopping for funny hats and wigs for me. She looked at my iv and I showed her how it worked.

She finally calmed down a bit and when she started doing the cartwheels again, I knew I had my Zoe back.

I think all of this is so much harder on my family and friends because I am strangely calm. Oh, I've had my moments like last night when I had a bad headache and could not sleep (I suspect it's mostly tension headaches and soreness from not being as active). I was also missing my mom (she's finally able to come up from San Antonio - she's been taking care of my sweet dad as he had surgery last week.) I can't wait to see her.

When times get rough around this place though - and they are many, I flip through my comments, read the emails y'all send, talk on the phone, and look at the present my Zoe brought me .... When she showed up she gave me her "oranga-matanga" she got at the zoo. Zoe's monkey goes with me everywhere - to MRIs, x-rays, biopsies, and just for a stroll around. My IV tower has a little cubby and he fits perfectly. All these things remind me how blessed and safe I truly am.

I can do this.

Posted by debutaunt at October 26, 2005 11:53 AM