debutaunt.com

Am I sleeping yet

Um. I have cancer. How do you expect me to kick its ass if you won't let me sleep?

I had specialists, doctors, nutritionists, social workers, researchers, and one woman I actually WANTED to meet with (the one who runs the kid life program) in my room ALL day from 10am to 5pm.

It's the nature of the hospital beast, but it's now made me nearly have laryngitis.

It's now peaceful in my room. Quiet. Homey. My friends Paige and Beatleman came by and organized my room to make it more cozy. You know someone loves you when she will paint your toenails to spare you visitor embarrassment.

I finally was able to dump my nemesis, the Granny Can, and now have a new room. It sort of looks like a hotel room, sans carpet, but has a private bathroom - complete with shower. They still have to monitor my pee, but at least they don't have to drag it out (humilitating for me) in a bag. They note it and flush it.

Today was also the saddest so far. Sis #2 hooked up their webcam and I got to see Zoe. She was typing stuff to me - today was wear your pajamas to school day so she typed new words (the ones on her jammies) 'CRAZY SHOPPING.'

Then she asked if she could see me tomorrow. I'm not allowed off of the floor anymore because I now have chemo. So there no way to see her. I didn't even really know what to say to her, so I said, "well they won't let me see any kids because they don't want any germs near me." She said "But I don't have any germs." I choked up. It was totally killing me.

I met with a specialist today who told me about her experience with breast cancer. She runs the kids program here. She said she was a single mom with a four year old (who is now 13) and told me that she didn't get all dramatic with her cancer, but involved him in it - like taking him with her to get her head shaved. She and I said that we can call it leukemia, but we gave it a funny nickname - so now my leukemia is now called DRACULA BLOOD.

She also told me to explain the medicine as a video game. The chemo is a super hero and it is going in to my Dracula Blood to kill all the bad guys. It was very reasurring to meet with her. Like.. hey. There is a survivor who worked when she was outpatient chemo, and who was a single mom too. I can do this.

I still feel ok, but am just tired from meeting with people all day. I met with a neurologist to discuss the constant headache and he did a full workup. He said that I didn't have any neurological reason for it, but it's most likely caused by a) stress, b) my jacked up sinuses or c) the tension in my neck from when I got rear ended while fleeing Hurricane Rita. I was very relieved to hear that.

I was also uber embarrassed because he had like 5 interns with him. And I had the most heinous pedicure of all time, since fixed thank God, but still. Also mom took my clothes to be washed and the only shirt I had was this cheetah print camisole that I bought for part of a halloween costume once upon a time (see the hospital gowns are hot and don't make for good sleep) It was like super tight and I am wearing some yoga pants that are as well. I'm like... great... they are thinking I'm a chemo hooker or something.

Sis #1 bought me some new stuff though. Very exciting. So between that and what Sis #2 bought me the other day (perfect tanks that are long, but great fabrics), I think I have a pretty swank hospital wardrobe.

She also bought me some kickass sock puppet monkey pajamas. It makes for a great cover up and are so funky and cool.

My boss came to see me yesterday. He really is a peach when he's not bringing me stuff at 4:30 to rush out. I could tell he was really nervous and kind of sad, but I hope that seeing me made him feel better. He brought me this:

fun n games in the debu_room

I have decided to wait to cut my hair in case... well in case... and if/when I have to, I will.

So for posterity... Here it is, in all the debu_manevainglory

The hardest part of my day was a webcam/Zoe moment. She was crying and asked me to sing to her *our* special songs.

One is some song I had on a CD that I used to play when I was pregnant and when Zoe was little. It is a celebrity CD that has some major celebs singing kid songs. There is a song on there sung by Meryl Streep:

Tell me why
the stars do shine
tell me why
the ivy twines
tell me why
the sky is blue
and then I'll tell you
just why I love you

Because God made
the stars to shine
because God made
the ivy twine
because God made
the sky so blue
because God made you
that's why I love you.

And then there's one I made up for Zoe. Now that I read it, it is kind of sad to me.

You are my superstar
and I am wherever you are
you are my shining star
my Zoe girl
(repeat)

I sang them to her and she was crying. I had tears in my eyes, but was squeezing my rosary so hard so that she wouldn't know I was crying. I pray for strength. I have to. It is not an option. I love my family. I love it that they were there for her when she was sad. That there is someone that I knows loves my child and could be there to hug her. To bathe her and fix her hair and read her books at night. If I didn't have them, I could not do this. If Zoe were with strangers, there is no way I could do this. I am blessed for them. So blessed.

But I miss her so much. I cry at night and hug the Zoe monkey. In this place I missed being hugged so much - nearly as much as I miss my bed.

I thank God that I wasn't just *poof* dead or something, but God how do I miss that child. I am going to fight this fucking cancer like there is no tomorrow. Even if it is just so I can kiss and hold that child just one more time. Fuck you, Leukemia. Eat shit. Fuck you. I hate your fucking freakish white blood reproducing ass. I hate you for making my child sad. For worrying my friends and family. I hate you for all this shit that I'm going through. Fuck fuck fuck you! Oh. And FUCK YOU!

You will NOT take me away from my baby. You might as well kill me now if you think I'm just going to roll over and never see that sweet child's face again.

I have God, my Zoe, my family, my friends, and the power of the internet on my side. So, Dracula Blood, start packing yo shit right now!

I can do this!

Posted by debutaunt at October 27, 2005 11:34 PM