Zoe's teacher is the sweetest thing ever. I mean like EVER! Seriously.
She's been reading my email to Zoe every day and then Zoe emails back.
Here was today's Zoe "secret pen pal" message:
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Hi Mommy! I am wearing a purple shirt and panties hose today. I am going to talk to you later.
I felt the first true meaning of fear I think I've ever had in my life. I mean, scary things have happened to me before, but it was never as terrifying as what I experienced last night.
I woke up at some random time. Not unusual for this place. But I woke up and started crying. Bad bad nightmare.
The details of my nightmare are randomly sketchy, as most of my dreams usually are, but the feeling was immediate fear. Immediate and helpless.
Zoe was at some Seaworld-type park. We were watching the dolphins. All that weird funky-fish water was splashing everywhere. And then... Zoe was gone. Just gone. Like not one person could find her anywhere. They were looking for her everywhere - in the water, under the seats, in the hall. But she was just gone. And no one but me even appeared to be worried.
And I woke up with this desperate feeling that something is going to happen to Zoe. Yes, I know that she's being well taken care of. And even though my sis and I have had our childrearing differences, I still trust her more than anyone with my child. She's a great mom - a really natural mom. And she likes being a mom, which is important.
But I have such a helpless feeling that I am not the one watching her. That maybe someone doing me a favor by taking her to the park won't make sure she's buckled in her carseat. Or if someone is watching her and turns away for a second that someone will take her.
I cried and then I prayed. I prayed that I can just let that fear go and just trust. Because not trusting isn't an option right now. This situation really is the single mom's worst nightmare.
I send guardian angels to her every night. I pray that my sister has the stamina to keep with the gaggle of kids. I pray that she isn't too confused. And that she does well in school and doesn't get lost. I pray that she knows how much I adore her. I pray that Zoe stays my lovely Zoe - cartwheeling, smiling, tooth-wiggling, sweet, sassy Zoe.
She truly is a part of my heart. And I can do this solely because of her.
Posted by debutaunt at November 2, 2005 09:28 PMI know how you feel. Lily is my everything, truly a part of me.
I love it that her teacher is helping out with her e-mailing, that's great.
Keep on keeping on you ass kicker you.
Posted by: Rachel at November 2, 2005 11:48 PMAw, Deb. No words will suffice; just keep fighting a hard as you can.
I love my darling Callan and can't imagine not being able to be with him every day; my heart goes out to you and Zoe.
Thinking about you both!
Posted by: sally at November 3, 2005 09:13 AMJust delurking here.
Just wanted to let you know that those fears are so common. Once you are well (because you are kicking ass and I have no doubt you will be well) you and Zoe will pick up where you left off, and it will be stronger and better than ever.
Hugs and lots of prayers for you both,
Mari
I misted up when I read that you send guardian angels to her every night. Sweetie, you are so beautiful. Those angels know exactly what you need and they are already always there to take care of you and those you love.
Know that I am praying for you and want you to feel safe and loved and protected. It sucks to go through times like this alone and I wish that you didn't have to face it. But you are, and you are doing a wonderful job. Your guardian angels are there watching you too.
xx
M
I understand. I've had those awful dreams before, too, and it sucks not baing able to go into your kids bedroom to make sure they're okay after one of them.
But like someone else said, you will beat this thing and pick up with your daughter where you left off. Your daughter will be okay. There is nothing like fear to hinder your recovery, don't let it weaken you. Turn that fear around and make it work for you. Turn the fear into a determination to get well.
You and your daughter are in my prayers and thoughts.
Posted by: Laine at November 3, 2005 11:27 AMDeb, your Zoe is going to ride this storm out just fine. Kids are SO resilient.
I was away from my daughter for a time (ALL my own selfish fault), but when she saw me again - she just opened her arms wide open, smiled the BIGGEST smile, jumped in my arms, grabbed my neck and said, "I love you mommie."
You are going to BEAT this Dracula blood, and have Zoe back in your arms, smiling, and telling you how much she loves you. I just know it.
P.S. Check your email.
Posted by: Surfie at November 3, 2005 02:40 PMI don't know you at all - just happened upon your site from a link to a link to a link. But I know you can so totally kick cancer's ass. I'll keep visiting, too, because you're awfully funny and quite inspiring. My best to you and Zoe.
Posted by: Kma at November 3, 2005 04:30 PMOkay, I just want to say that I just got all 4 kids down by 7:30 pm. How you ask? Well I hardly like to give up my masterful mothering techniques, but for ya'll . . . I guess I'll give it up.
Basically I told them that if they were in bed by 8:30 (their normal bedtime), I'd give them a dollar each. If they were in bed by 7:30, I'd give them $2. I have to say that was 6 bucks well spent.
Normally on a nightly basis I don't resort to bribery, but Dad went out of town last minute so...
It not really bribery, as much as, allowing them to earn a little pocket money. :) An incentive plan. I'm really getting them ready for the business world. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. I'm all about the big picture. Next week, maybe I'll teach how to write a resume and how to stay out of office politics.
I'm not sure, but come to think of it, they may have earned more money going to sleep than some people do in some foreign countries in a day. GOD BLESS AMERICA!
FYI- if your wondering about the math- 4 kids, $6 not $8, it's because the baby fell asleep as soon as the other children were out of sight. And she doesn't need the money, she has a sugar daddy - his name is Daddy.
So in conclusion folks, what does this exciting retelling of my incrediably exciting evening have to do with my big sister's agonizing dream -absolutely nothing.
Deb you're worried about your girl and you miss her terribly, that is incredibly understandable considering the incredible circumstances. Sometimes we have bad dreams that reflect our intermost anxieties. I'm not going to say anymore without consulting Dr. Phil, other than that if she really got splashed at Seaworld, the reality would be that we would really be more concerned that she was covered in Orca piss.
***Well don't you think of that? The whales have to go somewhere. Whales do not even have the luxury of using the granny can.
They doody and tee tee in the same water they swim in - that they splash YOU with.
It's piss water.
Doesn't that make you want to sit on the front row next time you're at the Seaworld?
Actually, it so frigin' hot in San Antonio, I wouldn't mind so badly being cover in some nice cold whale urine. It's pretty diluted by the time it lands all over you.
I think though if one is going to be cover in whale smegma, if one is too hot of course, one should close ones eyes and mouth during said splashing.
Is Seaworld hiring spokepersons? 'Cause I think I should apply.
ENJOY SEAWORLD - A WORLD OF GOLDEN SHOWERS.
You take care of you Deb. I'll take care of Z. I'm no you, but I'll do until you get better.
Lots of hugs and kisses,
Sis#2 (and the regardless of my big sister says the #2 does not stand for whale poop.)
I'm crying over here reading about Sea World.
Deb, your Zoe is in exactly the right hands. But if she comes home a bit damp I'd clorox her right away.
Whale piss! Bwahahahahahah!
Posted by: sally at November 4, 2005 09:50 AMSeriously, can I be friends with Sis #2? I love her. I am always telling people not to eat the trail mix at bars because of the fecal matter...I learned that from Oprah. Oprah: a fount of useful information.
Posted by: Some Girl at November 4, 2005 10:08 AMI'm not a dream expert, but I would bet you're more worried that something is going to happen to you, and it was expressed through Zoe.
You are an amazingly strong person, and I just know you're going to get through this, take Zoe back home and start your lives again. Hang tough.
Posted by: Candy at November 4, 2005 10:32 AMI cannot even understand how I got here to your site. I think I accidently clicked your link at CMHL. I am so glad I did, tho. Even though my heart is breaking for you right now and I have sobbed through your last several weeks posts, I am glad to have found your site. I am amazed at your strenght and ferocity in the face of this disease. Your love and devotion to your daughter inspire me to go hug my kids a couple of extra times tonight. (And to take a long, hot shower!)
I assure you that I will be keeping you in my prayers from now on. And I will check back on you frequently.
Be strong. And know that you are loved and prayed for by folks all over the world.
Posted by: buffi at November 4, 2005 09:47 PMSorry about your nightmare, Deb. I thought of a slightly different way to consider your dream.
You are accustomed to having complete responsibility for Zoe pretty much every day. And in addition to all the effort it takes to manage a five year old, you've always got this attentiveness and awareness running in your mind about what she's doing, what's she into, etc. Even when you are doing something else, when your child is in your care, you can't turn it off.
So now all this effort and mental energy has been reduced quickly and dramatically. I know you worry about her a ton, and I'm sure you are still making decisions, but it's a big dropoff from what you were doing before your illness. So your subconscious could be trying to sort out why you haven't been parenting non stop as usual, and can only conclude Zoe has disappeared - no other explanation makes sense to it. The apathy of others in your dream could to just highlight how much you care for Zoe, and not that others don't.
Anyway, if you have a dream about snakes I'll let someone else handle it.
Love ya,
Todd
Posted by: Todd at November 4, 2005 10:32 PM