Well I'm home. Temporarily. I will be at my BIL's mom's house on Monday. Mom is currently taking care of me (and she made the veggie beef soup of the gods yesterday - I had 2 servings it was so good). My baby sis (Sis #3 - my cutiepie) is going to take some time off from work and come in town from Austin. She's so sweet to do so, and it is so comforting to be to think that as I go through some of the worst of chemo, I will have someone related to me taking care of me. Especially the day my hair falls out. I will get through it, but I'm dreading it. I hear that will happen in a week or two :(. Oh well. It's just hair.
Mom has to leave on Tuesday to go take care of my dad, who is about to have part of a toe amputated. He needs her. When I talk to him he sounds so sad and that makes me sad. I am sure he will be fine, but he needs her more than me.
I am feeling ok. I had a round of chemo yesterday, and I think the worst part was driving home after. Not the best for nausea control, but I did it. And God watched out for us because my mom HATES driving on the freeway. But she did it. And she kicked butt!
I was supposed to come home Thursday, but I had fainted that morning. Totally bizarrooo. I washed my hands in the bathroom, then sneezed like three times in a row. I woke up, crashed on the floor in my hospital room, and then puked in the trash can. How attractive. I now have the hugest bruise on my arm from where I hit the table as I fell (which I don't remember). I cried. It was pretty scary. And pretty sucky to think how weak I am. How easy it is to just go down like that. I feel strong one minute, then so vunerable the next. Such is the story of this disease I guess.
So then they did my first "lumbar puncture" aka a spinal tap. Now that was really freaky. They did it, then put chemo right into my spine. I get another one tomorrow. I don't like those. It hurts, but I won't flinch. I am going to kick it's ass too. But shit... lumbar puncture?? Why don't they just call it Spinal Torture from Hell?
Basically what happens now is that, as my new superfantasticItalianwomandoctor said, you are out of the hospital, but you are on a leash. You basically have doctor's appointments about every other day or more for weeks. And that... well sucks. But whatever.
But at least I will be out of the hospital. People can visit, but not if they are sick. Not even a sniffle, as a fever can send me straight back there or could kill me.
I feel pretty ok. I think the spinal taps have done some weirdness to my back/neck as I have like charlie horse's on random occasions. They suck and make it to where I can't breathe from the pain.
I also got all my scripts. Sis #1 bought them all from the pharmacy and it was like $260. For ONE MONTH. Jesus I need to date a drug rep.
Ok. So Sis#1 worked on a few things and mainly the way it would work if the kind peeps o' the internet want to help me out of this financial hell is that peeps can send a check to her for the fund, or she's set up a paypal account.
The check is preferred as Paypal is a huge fee taker. As soon as she has it all written up and stuff, I'll be sure to post it. Then I'm gonna pray to the internet gods and the kind peeps of the www that some fundage comes my way because this shit is spensive!!!! I figure if people can pass on those stupid totally old Snopes bullshit emails, maybe peeps can send a buck or two to help pay for these "nupogen" shots (and thank God for insurance b/c if I didn't have it, the shots are 20K a month). Nupogen shots are what are going to help build back my immune system - so they so kickass.
I'm rambling. Oh well. What's new?
I am hoping to maybe get to see Zoe today. I don't know if she's sick. But I got these little bitty masks and if she wears a mask and gloves and so do I, I might get to see her.
It's really so hard to not see her. Especially being in my apartment. It's not the same here without her, and it made me cry when I first walked in.
The hardest is trying to sleep at night without her. She's a part of me, and I can only liken it (weirdly) to someone who has has part of them amputated. I wake up and something's off. Something is missing.
And I miss her little laugh. Her smile and her silly jokes. I want to see her so bad.
My sweet friend D1 took her to the Renaissance Festival yesterday. Sis #2 said it was funny when she met up with them at her son's football game. She was like... That must be Deb's friend - as D1 was dressed up as a wench. I am going to be better by next year so I can go. I love the Renfest! I bet Zoe had a blast with the girls. I can't wait to hear about it.
I miss my life. But as Sis #1 says - it is what it is.
Your assignment today is to make something really tasty for dinner. To enjoy every flavor there is. To buy some great fresh fruit/veggies (as I can't have any), and to really enjoy your dinner - like candles and good music.
My taste buds are for crap. And I have perm yuck mouth. So enjoy some great food today. I expect no less of you.
I love you folks. It has been one of the few things that makes me feel normal - to feel connected.
I can do this.
Posted by debutaunt at November 6, 2005 10:31 AMyou totally CAN do this Deb. and i hope you can see Zoe soon too, i know how hard it is to not be able to see your kid. *hugs*
Posted by: nine at November 6, 2005 11:32 AMYou CAN do it! I'm so glad you're home, even if you do have to go back for appointments all the time. It must be nice to be in your own bed, with your own bathroom, etc. I do hope you get to see Zoe soon. I can only imagine how much you both miss each other.
Why can't you have fresh fruits/veggies? Germs?
Posted by: Cindy at November 6, 2005 06:29 PMYay! Home again, even if it's temporary. I'm thrilled for you and hoping like mad that you get to see darling Zoe.
She looks beautiful in her princess garb!
We're not doing dinner tonight - we have colds all around - but I promise to make something fabu tomorrow and will post it. I'm thinking grilled ham and apples with homemade corn muffins and fresh green beans cooked with ham and onions. How's that?
Cheers to you Deb. Keep up the hard work and keep kicking ass. Got you in our thoughts!
Posted by: sally at November 6, 2005 06:49 PMYes, you can do this and you will kick this cancer's ass!
It is interesting to me to read your description of chemo, etc. My cousin's seven year old daughter was diagnosed with Burkitt's Lymphoma about the same time you got your diagnosis, so I am fascinated to read this from the patient's pov. She's at Houston Children's Hosp.
You inspire me. I can't imagine being away from my kids like you are. But Zoe know that you love her & she is in such good hands. That said, I hope you get to see her very soon. You and she are in my prayers!
Posted by: buffi at November 7, 2005 11:08 AMYou know as long as everything taste like crap anyway... maybe you could try out for the show Fear Factor. I think I could do just about any stunt, but I -way- could not eat elk testicles or worm puree or any of the other sick inedible food on that show.
Is it right to call African Cave Spiders food?
Joe Rogan: "Tonight on Fear Factor we are going to see if our contestants can wolf down a pound of Alaskan Black Bear Dingleberries, followed by a Urine-of-an-87-year-old-Mongolian-Mule Trader Chaser. Without vomiting."
Deb: "Well after all, Joe, everything I eat tastes like crap, I think I can handle it."
Joe: "Good lord, it's a new record- 3.5 seconds flat! You got to love a woman who can easily swallow anything that foul. I feel unworthy to stand in her presents."
Deb: "Oh, just shut Joe and kiss me."
(Off camera: wet smoochies)
Joe: "Deborah, will you marry me."
Deb: "I would love to, Joseph, but I am already married to my online blogging community. I cannot betray them."
Joe: "I understand. But first, before you go with your big prize money from the show, would you like to partake in some Rocky Mountain Oysters covered in the sauce of Sum Yung Gy with me."
Deb: "Nothing would please me more."
Hey, it's just a suggestion.
Posted by: sis #2 at November 7, 2005 11:05 PM