I got to see my Zoe yesterday.
It was a lovely day. Sis #3 and I got to hang out at my apartment. So nice to nap in my own bed.
I went to my gym (with latex gloves) rockin my cute black n white hat, and put my membership on indefinite hold. I so wanted to shout, "I will be back, motherf*ckers! Stronger, faster," like the Bionic Woman. I got a copy of my Body for Life challenge cards and realized that I have now officially lost 20 pounds. Ah, the diet nobody wants. Although I bet many women would shave their heads to lose 20 lbs.
Sis #3 hooked me up with a platelet-building burger, some tater salad, and the movie Team America (fuck yeah!) It was funny, but I had to nap, so I missed part of it. There's nothing like dozing in and out and hearing the word BALLS repeatedly.
I thought that it would be cool to have Zoe buy me a hat, but she was more interested in seeing me, which was sweet. She got to play with our neighbor kids. I was glad because she hasn't seen much of them lately.
I read a story to her (which is hard to do with a mask on - I thought I was going to pass out), then we watched That's So Raven.
She seemed a bit concerned at first about my hair until I reassured her that it will grow back. It may take a while (because it will fall out several times), but it will grow back - I explained just like when you cut your hair or trim your nails.
But she's still my lil'. She was showing Sis #3 her cartwheels, then they did yoga together. Except when Zoe does it; it's ZOga. She's so flexible.
On the way home we went to McD's for ice cream (um, damn that was good). The lady in the drive thru asked about the masks. Nothing to weird someone out like to say, "I have leukemia." But I don't mind peeps that ask, I just don't like the stares. You get so immune to it at MDA because there are so many people there that wear masks.
When people stare at me otherwise, I just want to say, "I am just protecting myself from you freaks who think it's ok to go around sick everywhere." I've always been a firm believer of not sharing germs. But now that so many of those germs can kill me.... I'm like ... *spray you down with purell, you snotty flembot.*
When we were in the drive thru Zoe casually talks about someone at school whose mom has leukemia and she's in the hospital to die.
Um... jiggazoewhat?
"Am I going to have to watch you die."
"Zoe even if mommy weren't sick, everyone dies. But mommy is taking all kinds of medicine, and goes to a big big hospital with good doctors, so this Dracula Blood won't make me die."
"But I don't want to watch you."
"You won't. I'm strong and will be just fine."
Ice cream saved the moment as she just moved on to something else.
One minute, McD's ice cream, the next minute I'm explaining death to my five year old.
Welcome to my world.
I can do this.
I want to have Zoe meet with the school counselor. But that's the chick that said, "I guess I'll have to respect your wishes" when she found out I didn't want the word cancer used around her.
Bitch.
Um, fu*ck yeah, you WILL respect my decision. I want the word leukemia or the infamous Dracula Blood used around Zoe, not cancer. Because of exactly things like.... oh, your mom has cancer; she's going to die.
But she was tired and extra clingy/huggy when we dropped her off at Sis #2s. I know my child. That's camping tired. It made me sad though. And the leukemia/death drive-thru convo felt just like that - a drive by.
Everyone is a bit under the weather, but as soon as they are feeling better, I really want Zoe to go to MDA with me to meet with this wonderful woman who run's the kid's program there. She was a single mom with a 4 year old when she got breast cancer. (Her son is 13 now - woo). She was telling me about her situation, and said that she involved him in so many things of her cancer, but wasn't all dramatic about it.
That's much more my style vs. "I guess I'll have to respect your decision."
But there's something brewing in Zoe's head. I just want to hug that child for hours. I think right now I'm the clingy one and I miss her so much.
This too shall pass.
Posted by debutaunt at November 15, 2005 06:02 AMI hope you stick to your guns about that woman at school...but it sounds like Zoe should speak with someone --
I'll be thinking about you today while I do my laundry and pick up the kids...you have the best attitude and I admire you.
Posted by: blackbird at November 15, 2005 07:14 AMOk so this is nothing like what you had to explain to Zoe but it was still kinda weird. My son woke up this morning and said "Mommy, my twig and berries are all stretched out and they hurt - wanna see?" How do you explain morning wood to a five year old? His dad should be telling him about this stuff. After saying NO -I DON'T want to see, I just told him that it was something that happened to boys and it would hopefully go away after a few minutes but that it does happen alot and he shouldn't worry about it. Yikes!
Zoe seems to be handling everything well - I think you are doing the right thing by being open and honest with her and I also agree with you about not using the C word (it's scary no matter how old you are). And I think you are handling it all pretty well yourself. Love ya girlie!
That school lady is a wench. Zoe is your child. She HAS to respect your wishes! Grrr. That makes me so mad. I understand your reasoning. Cancer is such an ugly word. The same reason why we do not use the word TUMOR around my son. His are non-cancerous, but brain-tumors are something that freak people out, reguardless.
Stay stong.
That is hilarious Julie.
I think Zoe is handling things very well. It's hard for little guys to process all of this big stuff.
Posted by: Rachel in AK at November 15, 2005 06:27 PM