debutaunt.com

You Are In My Heart

Yesterday was a very hard day. I didn't have any visitors as most of my friends are either sick or busy (although my friend A came by around 8pm and cheered me up immensely. He even was going to go check my mail and bring me my last two Sex & the City DVDs - the finale - woo!).

But the majority of the day was sad. I was missing Zoe fiercely. I was missing being outside. I was missing things like grocery shopping, driving my car, good music, eating and being active when I wanted. It was a lonely day. My forums were slow. I was caught up on my blog reading/commenting. My eyes were sore so I couldn't read or watch much tv (no good channels here anyway - no E! or Comedy Central - two channels a cancer patient should be watching). And I was feeling a bit groggy from the benadryl they gave me pre-blood transfusion.

When A came over, Sis #2 called. She had me on speaker phone with all the kiddos. Two five year olds and a one plus year old. They were singing me songs.

And then I heard Zoester. A song she made up. I couldn't quite make out the words, but I did hear "mommy is in my heart." It made my eyes well up as I've always told her not to be sad when we are apart because I "grew her in my belly," so she's a part of me. That mommy is in her heart and she is in mine. It made me feel good that she remembered that, and actually that she was bright enough to make up a song about it, but also made me sad because I'm missing her so much.

She made me sing her the Zoe song, and it was so hard to do without my voice cracking. I love that child so much. I miss her sweet face. I miss the smell of her and her laugh. But mostly I miss her hugs. You don't get many of those around here.

I miss that child, but I know this won't be forever. I know it.

Today y'all's mission is to enjoy wearing something that is comfy or beautiful. A soft scarf. Some warm mittens. A downy coat. Or some beautiful jewelry. Next time I will pack more long sleeve shirts as I have now worn this pink hoodie for two days. It's not as uncomfortable to not shower like last time as a) I don't sweat at all and b) I don't have hair to get greasy c) I don't get out much. I wash my face and brush my teeth often, so that makes me feel sparkly and shiny. I also wear perfume and use the moisturizer I use on Zoe.

The smell of her makes me happy.

I can do this.

[rant]I am doing well. My chemo is doing well, and prayers granted, I should get out tomorrow. But my blood sugars are jacked up, and I'm thinking of bringing in a different endocrinologist. I know that the steroids they give you are necessary, but they make me super hungry and make my blood sugars go crazy. Then some genius decided to give me insulin like all freaking day AND that I should get some of it at 9am and 9pm.

So instead of taking my insulin 30 minutes prior to eating, I now get them hours after eating. So like last night, an hour after eating, my blood sugar was like 352 (should be between 70 and 120). I don't know. I'm no endocrinologist. But I've never had this poor of control of my blood sugars before and it's very irritating. Is it me, or is this not basic body chemistry?[/rant]

Posted by debutaunt at November 20, 2005 10:49 AM