debutaunt.com

Your mom's right, but so are you. You need to say this stuff and get it out, and acknowledge it, and hold it up and look at how it sucks six times to Sunday, so you can move on to the next thing (bec there's always a next thing). Many hugs.

You can do this.

I had a couple of mornings, post-diagnosis, where I woke up, kept my eyes screwed shut, and thought "this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real." but it was as real as it could get.

It is very lonely and boring when you are at home, with your counts in the toilet. And after the initial diagnosis, lots of people stop calling, just when you really could use a conversation, even if only a short one.
The whole thing really sucks. I don't know how I'd handle being away from my kids.

While I am a "cancer survivor", breast, though I don't know what that means, exactly, I didn't have to go through the misery you're going through. I do remember feeling that there was a delineation of time when "treatment", ie., surgery/radiation/stomach shots of zoladex were through. But, it's never "through." It will always be with me, because there's always follow up. However, you WILL get to the point when you don't think about it every day and it doesn't define what you do. I still take meds, for another two years and probably different stuff thereafter once this batch is finished.
You're entirely enmeshed in it right now. There will be a fine sunny, non-freezing, day when you'll have some normalcy again.

In the meantime, we're all here with you. Keep venting!

I can't pretend to imagine what you are going through and like the others I think it's a good thing you can express your fears here on this blog. Because if not here then where...? This is what we lurkers in cyberspace(does anyone use this word anymore ;) are here for, to listen.

I am not a medical practioner but I do believe strongly in "hope". I have full hope you will recover and you and your daughter one day soon will be back together and share a bond even stronger and sweeter for your illness.

I love you Deb. I get so engrossed in your posts recently. I feel for you. I am praying that the sorrow and sadness that you are feeling now fades to black and the sun comes up bright as ever, warming your soul from the inside out. You are Uma. And as a side note, there is no crying in baseball, but there sure as hell is in dodgeball! It's ok to cry, I won't tell nobody.

Just think how sweet life will be when this is all over. And it will be over. You will regrow your hair, love Zoe with even greater zeal and be stronger than ever before. Cancer sucks the big one but hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I don't have cancer, but I do have chronic illness and I do think of my life in terms of before and after - it's just like a job - when I was working there and now i'm here. But now that I'm disabled, my job is my illness - researching, dr appts, support groups, making sure my health is my priority and making sure I'm well. I try to do my job well most of the time, but some days, I do a lousy job! Your job now Deb - is to take that bag of meds, keep yourself non feverish, go to those doc appts, let others drive you, forget about boys, experience being bald, and your paycheck - is to see Zoe for a brief time each week, and to live a lifetime with her once you kick ass at your job.
Sometimes our jobs make us work overtime and our jobs suck. We all hate our jobs at some time in our life. It's just that for you and other cancer patients and the other chronically ill people out there our job is our heath and to get well.
But it's ok to feel like you do some days, cause it sucks. It really does. But you have to find a point when you stop it and get on with doing your job well. Because that paycheck and that payoff will be worth it.

hugs,
Linda

(((hugs)))

Yep, I also think of life in terms of before and after the big "C". I am also living by the counts, trying to stay well, fighting off fevers, and extremely fatigued. My kids aren't really aware of how "sick" mom is right now so for this I am thankful. As a mom you feel like you aren't doing your job, but believe me getting well is your job right now. Cry to your hearts content, I do and it does help.
Deb

I was without my two children for four months while I was very ill. My younger son was only eight months old. It sucks big time, but I am here to tell you that when this is all over you can and will make up for lost time. I know how much you're hurting and I am sending good thoughts your way.

I am not anywhere near in the same boat as you, but don't we all view our lives post- and pre- major events?

In your case, when you overcome this and start living post-cancer, rather than pre- and during, you'll have the benefit of being new.

I remember reading Lance Armstrong's book and a section where a fellow cancer survivor e-mailed him and said "You're one of the lucky ones." Your post about looking at cancer pre- and post- helped me explain what this person meant.