debutaunt.com

If you don't decorate...

you don't realize Christmas is near.

I had a fun time last night. I actually got in around 1:00am. (woah!) But at least I didn't wake up at the crack of crack. It's 8:23am instead of 4:30am, thank goodness.

It's cold, but I love it. I love this time of year. Everyone dresses up and they wear winter coats and bejeweled clothing. Much more formal than to see skin and too tight summer outfits. Winter is decidely more elegant.

[aside] I have realized that I need more hats. The striped one I was going to wear is much too summery, so I wore my winter hat outside and my baseball hat inside. For a while. Then I braved it up and took it off. But I don't know what hats go well with dangly earrings. I've decided if it's warm enough, I'm going to rock out with my block out, but still, hats are so cute. Scarves still make me look quite piratey looking. Like I should have an eyepatch and a parrot.

I wore the superfantastic earrings my Bro #2 gave me. They are red and dangly and sparkly - especially next to the bald noggin. I also had on my lovely blouse from Loehmans and some jeweled open-toed sandals. Not the most appropriate footwear, but my heels are at casa_debu along with any other practical or good looking shoes. And damnit I miss my heels.

My friends were just like I remembered. An ecclectic group whose laughter and love filled the house. All the friendly faces were uplifting to see, and it felt good to show them that my smile is still bright, my humor intact, and I'm not at death's door.

Paige's house is fully loaded with Chrismas decorations, and combined with the wintery weather, it reminded me that the holidays are nearly upon us.

I think I did shock people. I saw so many whom I hadn't seen in a long time. I said before, people are so used to seeing the chronically ill looking so horrible, that it is stunning to see an amazon like me. (Although I did turn into a pumpkin at midnight, but I left with my shoes firmly on my feet).

Illness is so much harder on your loved ones that it is on you. I know exactly how I'm feeling, and the majority of the time it's strong. I know that I'm fighting. I know that I have a pretty positive outlook. I don't feel like I'm going to die. But others don't know that.

With cancer especially, it's frightening to those around you. Even the word conjures up such a horrid response. Cancer = death sentence to most. Every person I know has been touched by it in some way. And most everyone I know has known of someone that died of the disease.

I have been blessed by generosity and the kindness of strangers and loved ones. But most of them have actually written to say things like, "my husband died of leukemia," or "my sister died of colon cancer." Even my own beloved Grandmother died of breast cancer when I was about ten, and both my parents have had it. (and both of them kicked its ass - so you can see where I get it from) The Bitch knows no boundaries.

When I was first diagnosed, I parked my worries on God's shoulders. I couldn't deal with it in any way, shape, or form. Any fears I had were aleviated by my family, especially Sis #1 and #2. My first thoughts were of my Zoe, and my second were my finances and my job. All of which they told me to not worry about, that they would get it taken care of. For me - I just needed to focus on healing.

But when you are sick, I can tell them, "don't worry, I'm kicking it's ass," but they see the effects the disease has on me. They see the giant bag of drugs I take around, my hair falling out is a constant reminder, the tiredness, and sometimes the pain. Treatment after treatment and all the appointments, (well they often make me worry - more wonder than worry), but then I just turn around and kick the snot out of this damned Dracula Blood.

Such is the nature of relationships I believe. You worry about the people you love. It's upsetting when they are ill, and often devastating when they are seriously or chronically ill. You want to absorb their pain and take it all away from them. I used to get in "trouble" for missing work at my office when Zoe was sick (trouble being the guilt I felt moreso than any actual trouble). But what they didn't understand is that I'd much rather be at work than to see my child sick.

It's painful when you can't do anything about someone's illness. Suffering is agonizing to watch. Which is why this disease is so hard for me, because everyone else is doing the watching. I feel pretty damn well so far. And all I want to do is to take away *their* pain.

This is one reason why I'm determined to restart my fitness challenge. I had started the Body for Life challenge last summer and I know that one day I will do that again. It's not an option, it's a fact.

I read the book, Body for Life for Women by Dr. Pamela Peeke, and she says that so many women (and gosh, men do it too) don't take care of themselves because they are too busy nurturing others.

The point of doing the challenge is that you are no good to anyone else unless you take care of yourself. To love yourself and be as concerned about your own physical and mental well being as you would of that of a loved one.

It's something so few of us do, and I honestly believe I got this far into manifestating my health into cancer because I just didn't listen to my body. I pushed it and expected it to perform miracles when my immune system was screaming out for me to listen.

How many of you have done this? Yeah. I thought so.

This illness has made me reprioritize my health. To listen to my body. To eat when I need to, to sleep when I'm tired, to slow down if I'm weak, and to give in and let others help me if necessary. If that's the only good thing that will come of this, it's enough. It's that important, and it should be. Zoe needs me to be here but it's just as important for me to need me to be here. So I can take care of her as well. For a long time.

I can do this. Caffeine this morning has completely helped, but I know I can do this.

And, peoples, so can you:

Today (and beyond today) your assignment is to do something completely healthy for yourself. I'm throwing down the gauntlet and challenging you all:

If you can't get a workout in, commit to trying to make this part of your regular schedule. Any kind of workout. Even if it doesn't seem like much, just move. Stretch. Be physical (check out the President's Fitness Challenge if you need some incentive. They give you points for stuff like stretching, walking, and housekeeping, and it's a great way to keep track and be accountable! )

It's a necessity, not something you do when you can make time - because no one can "make" any more time, and if that's your approach, you won't do it. I also want you to commit to eating better. I know it's the holiday season, but unless it's the best damn dessert of all time, the calories are so not even worth it. Cut out the junk food and keep the fast foods to a minimum.

If you don't love yourself enough to put your health in the same light as you do that of your loved ones, then you need to figure out why you are living like that.

You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. Just do it. Do it for the Debster, then do it for yourself and those that love you.

And then report back to me. I want you to be around long enough to celebrate my fifty years freedom from cancer.

Today please say some prayers for my Sis #2. She's up to her ears in sick kids and she's finally come down with something herself. It's hard to get well when you are sick and you are also the caretaker. She's the extension of me for Zoe, and she needs to get well and get some sleep. Again, see, it's hard to watch someone you love deal with illness. I feel very helpless and if I weren't about to be hospitalized, I would try to get in there and relieve her burden. I love that woman and want her and her family to get better soon. Right now, all I can send is some cyber chicken soup. Hugs to my sis!

Posted by debutaunt at December 11, 2005 08:29 AM