debutaunt.com

Eggrevated

"Today was a very trying day. I let someone upset me when I shouldn't have. I watched helplessly this morning something that made me very sad. I didn't get to talk to two people I absolutely wanted to. I sadly unpacked four years of belongings from my office. And I mourned over my old life while sitting in my apartment.

I didn't get to see Zoe this weekend. I was hoping that would happen, but they are all sick over there and I can't take any chances before my next round of chemo - which is Tuesday.

I tried to talk to Zoe on the phone, but someone pulled her hair and she cried. So I didn't get to hear her or talk to her.

I'm listening to Charlie Brown's Christmas CD to try to cheer up, but it's not doing the trick.

I miss Zoe tonight. I'm going to go to bed and call this one a wash."

I wrote that last night and wasn't going to publish it. After all, I'm not allowed to have bad days. Right? Right?

Well that's how it feels. I try so hard to remain positive, but then there are days that just simply overwhelm me. There are days that it is too much, and I can't remain patient with others. I feel like I'm dealing with some serious issues, and when I hear people bitch about the little things, I just feel like I want to punch them in the face. It's like being around uber perky Katie Couric 24/7 and she's debating the merits of pointy shoes versus squared toes.

You spent 20 minutes trying to find a parking space? Christmas shopping at the mall is so crowded?

Know what, I'd like to simply be able to drive. And go to the grocery store without being out of breath or having the threat of germs that might end up making me terribly sick. Possibly kill me.

Boy, it must suck so hard to be hungover.

Gee, I had a spinal tap and had radioactive chemicals inserted into my spine today. I'm going to have a headach that lasts for two weeks, and no amount of Darvon will make it go away.

That's pretty much a typical day for me. I know that no matter what your problems are, they always seem to loom large. But there are days that I just have no sympathy.

In the span of less than a month, I did my will, my living will, my divorce, my power of attorney, my medical directives, found a guardian for Zoe, learned I had cancer, realized I won't see my child regularly, heard I won't be able to work for a year or more, found out I have a chromosome anomaly and will need a bone marrow transplant, contacted friends and family with my diagnosis, started chemo, was hospitalized several times for fever, lost my hair, lost my independence.... and shit. Here I am bitching about the little things.

I think I'm just cranky.

It's so easy to become self involved with this disease. It encompasses your entire life, your every waking moment. Everything you do is an ordeal. Things you easily did before somehow now are near impossible. Things that you took for granted before now become lifelines. When you face death, it causes you to become selfish of your time and your life. Your priorities are shuffled on a daily basis. How can I figure out how to not bleed to death today?

I wish I had some project or a hobby to reoccupy me. To refocus outwardly instead of constant self-absorbtion. It's annoying. I often have "chemo brain" and can't focus on things as easily as I did before. I'd love to take up the trendy knitting thing, but it doesn't seem like something you can just pick right up. Or I wish I could adopt a family for the holidays, but that's a huge undertaking and I would hate to not have the follow through. I want to get out of my head. And get away from this disease for a while.

Just like I think sometimes people's problems are pretty minor, my problems are minor in comparison to some.

There is always someone worse off than you. And I try to remind myself of that every day. I could have been dead. My cancer could be terminal. I could be starving in Africa. I could have been horribly disfigured or incapacitated. (Hey, even Katie Couric has horrific days - her husband died for God's sake - young, too early, from cancer.)

And those people who are in worse situations than I am, do they feel the same as me? Do they think, gosh, I'm paralyzed from the neck down, but at least I'm not dead.

[aside] I'm thinking death is the ultimate in the suck of problems here.

I honestly think I need to be less judgmental. That if my friend has a hard time shopping at the mall, I should be sympathetic and just let it slide instead of having that little voice in my head tell me I should be rolling my eyes at that point.

But how do you have a complete paradigm shift in your thinking? How can you evolve past the voices in your head that tell you someone is a complete tool? Or is it just me?

I think this is going to be yet another quest I have in my life. To be less selfish and uncaring. To get out of my head and stop judging.

I'm sure I can do that.

Which leads into today's assignment:

I want you all to not complain or even think about any complaints today. I want you to think about someone else in a worse situation and become an extension of goodness and kindness today (and hopefully past today). I want you all to do something completely unselfish just because you can. To contemplate your life and to be grateful for what you have, and to do something kind for someone who needs a break today.

Your boss an asshole? Buy them a small gift and leave it anonymously on their desk. Friend complaining about her jackhole boyfriend again, give her a big hug instead of an earful of the same advice. Buy some canned goods and drop them in the red barrel for the food pantry, or buy a little extra gift for the gift tree for the poor.

I used to pass this horribly dirty homeless woman nearly every day coming out of the parking lot at work. She was fairly obviously mentally ill. There were so many days where I just wanted to buy her a real meal for lunch - not McDonalds, but maybe a nice Boston Market-type chicken lunch or something I made at home. Or give her my extra coat that just sits in the back of my closet.
I never did. But today might have been a day that I did something like that.

There is always someone worse off than you. Be kind to that person today. Get out of your head today. Just because you can.

Posted by debutaunt at December 11, 2005 08:08 PM