They decorated my door with a Christmas tree. It looks festive and it's nice to keep it open and look at it. Not quite as nice as my apartment and all the lights and my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it will do.
Reminders of normalcy.
I don't know what is in store for my holidays. If history is to repeat itself, then I might end up back in this damn hospital with a fever by then. (or will be feeling like total shit)
Everyone everywhere is sick. I see people sneezing, coughing, sniffing, even at the hospital where they are supposed to stay home. I've become quite the OCD about germs now as I really don't want to have to be in the hospital more than absolutely necessary.
I think companies have shit sick leave policies so people come spread their germy joy because they most times may not have an option to stay home.
I miss my daughter. I really do. I miss someone else. I really do. I miss both my sunshines.
I miss Christmas shopping and while I know people understand that they will not be getting a gift this year, it makes me sad not to be able to do that for them. I love to shop for others. I love the holidays. I barely know they exist this year.
It's been a trying past few days. My friend's dad is hanging in there, but he's having a difficult time with some bad side effects. It's so hard to watch a loved one deal with that. I hope that none of my family ever have to see me like that. If I have my way, they won't ever have to. I am going to fight for my friend's dad. For his lovely family. Whatever happens to him, I'm not going to let this get me. Fuck you, leukemia, with a capital F and an exclamation point!
I have had some invasive tests done in the past few days, and the lack of sleep is catching up a bit. And the food. Well it's starting to not look so good.
The diet nobody wants.
Is it the holidays coming or is it the chemo that is making me blue?
I have deleted more paragraphs than I should on this post. Since that is the case, I think this will be the end.
Tonight I'm going to watch Kill Bill. I have more fighting to do, and maybe it will kill the damn meloncholy as well.
I can do this. I just wish it weren't so boring.
Posted by debutaunt at December 15, 2005 01:21 PMI've been a little blue this week -- I do think it is a pre-holiday phase...and I'm sure the chemo doesn't make it any better for you.
Don't forget that tomorrow is show and tell -- and people are going to show you ornaments and tell why they are their favorites (I hope).
Chin up Uma!
Posted by: blackbird at December 15, 2005 08:21 PMKeep fighting through the boredom and tests and drugs and food. Watch Uma. Get rest. Wait through the night for the sunshine. You can do this!
Posted by: D at December 15, 2005 09:28 PMYou and Uma can kick some ass. The holidays are tough enough without chemo. Sending ~*~*~*~*~no fever*~*~*~*~* vibes.
you can do this.
Posted by: Islay Girl at December 15, 2005 10:17 PMLove you lady.
Posted by: Rachel at December 17, 2005 03:11 PM