December 16, 2005

Tidings aren't always so tidy

I am sitting in my room right now. Meloncholy is hitting pretty hard at the moment.

I had someone tell me the sweetest things, the most absolutely sweetest things to me, and they made me cry. I'm simply in awe and amazed and I just can't talk about it really. Like I just can't.

Then I get some email. From Sis #1's camera phone and it's picture mail. They are celebrating the birthday of Sis #2's youngest daughter. All the kids were making faces and she sent me their pictures. So sweet. So funny. And I'm missing it.

A picture of Zoe. Not showing her missing teeth - Captioned - Message from Zkat: "Hi Mommy."

message from zoe.jpg

I just burst into tears.

I want so much to be there. I want to see it all and be there, but it also hurts so much because I'm not. Zoe is reading. And getting so big and I'm missing it. I miss my neices and nephews like I do my own child. They are all so sweet and so funny. I want to see these things for myself, but when I do, it makes me sad. So what is worse? Not hearing anything or seeing it and temporarily living vicariously through what I hear? I'll take the tears and see the life go on around me.

And I found out I get discharged on Sunday, not tomorrow. I have two more drugs during this inpatient, and tonight's runs for 24 hours. I get an interthecal (yes.. inter.the.cal means in the damn spine) chemo on Tuesday after a long day of labs and a doctor's visit. Then I get a few days off and another round of chemo the Friday before Christmas Eve. Looks like I will be wearing a mask again or will be spending Christmas by myself as those days after are the most tiring and draining.

But I'm going to fight on. Because there are so many around me that fight too. This hospital is packed full of them. And I can do this. I must and I will.

So. We will have a post-Christmas party. And my life will be lived vicariously for a while longer. And it just basically is what it is.

Which right now is so fucking bittersweet it's amazing.

Posted by debutaunt at December 16, 2005 06:54 PM
Comments

I know it seems overwhelming. Actually I don't know anything of the sort -- I can only guess...and I am also guessing that a year from now, three years from now, five and ten years from now, this will be that awful terrible christmas.
And that you will be sad when you look back on it, but that it will be a blip on the radar of your long life...

I am praying that you don't think that I am trivializing your illness --
I do not intend to. But while this IS the fight of your life, the fight FOR your life, I BELIEVE you will win it with my heart and soul.

Posted by: blackbird at December 16, 2005 07:16 PM

i agree with blackbird, we can't know but we can try to understand....keep the posts coming deb because through them we are forced to face important stuff through you....thoughts, sometimes memories...but always i'm in awe of your strength of spirit

and yes, you will look back on this....and by god deb...you WILL

Posted by: Fiona at December 16, 2005 08:06 PM

My heart goes out to you.

If there is anything - ANYTHING - that I can do for you, please let me know. Anything at all. I'm sorry I wasn't there on Thursday - I was more exhausted than I realized. But tomorrow, I'm going to come down. I'll call in the morning.

Sending you lots of love and sweet dreams and bad mojo vibes for any person there at the hospital that dares to wake you in the middle of the night tonight.

Posted by: Christine at December 17, 2005 12:17 AM

hugs, deb. lots of no-mask, no-gloves, no-IV hugs. i know there are a million of those in your future. you can do this.

Posted by: Islay Girl at December 17, 2005 06:15 AM

:) I'm smiling for you because I know you don't feel up to it Deb. Lighting candles daily for you, because you know I'm the candle lady. Lot's of love, love.

You are doing this.

Posted by: Rachel at December 17, 2005 03:18 PM