Your smile melts me. I am grilled cheese toast.
And thank God for Sunday. This has been a long long visit. Too long and not a good one ... at all. I don't know what caused so much lonliness, but it was probably feeling like I was in solitary confinement. I would so suck as a jailbird.
I am going to go home, eat my great Pappasitos salad, take a nice warm shower, change into some fresh jammies, and then sleep for days.
I want a manicure and pedicure like nobody's business.
I want a massage.
I want to clean up and wear makeup and go to a movie and hold someone's hand. Like a date.
I want to sleep and not have someone wake me up for my blood.
Someone recently reminded me that this is all temporary. This past week seemed to have made me forget that. But it's something I must not forget. There will be life after cancer. I know it. I know it. "Fight hard. Make me proud."
It's just so hard to see it when you deal with the big C every minute of every day. When you are constantly monitoring your status. How much meds to take. What you eat. How much fluids you take in and put out. What levels your counts are. It all feels so obsessive.
I miss using my body for just moving and being joyful. I miss working out and just taking a walk and dancing and just being. The freedom to move. It feels at times now like my body is the enemy and I have this need to nurture it right now. I feel beaten and like my body is broken. And that sucks. Because I feel joyful. I am glad to be alive. I'm glad to have my friends and see my family. I have so much time on my hands and I just want to play.
It will come. In time. I will just have to remind myself of that at least once a day.
Today your assignment is to move. To MOOOOOOVE! To feel joy and do something good for your body. To take a walk. To hike in the woods. To dance in the kitchen while making dinner. To sweat and workout and enjoy the movement. To be as childlike as possible and just move.
I will be there soon enough. I know it. Today I will move vicariously through you all.
I can do this.
Posted by debutaunt at December 18, 2005 10:15 AMI am so happy you are going to be at HOME.
don't forget to have some carbs!
Posted by: blackbird at December 18, 2005 01:33 PMHi honey. Just checking in.
Posted by: Maddie at December 18, 2005 01:39 PMi was just thinking i should take some exercise today, and i couldn't imagine why on earth such a foreign thought would pop into my head. now i know from whence it came! hang in there, deb.
Posted by: Islay Girl at December 18, 2005 01:44 PMI think I heard the sound of the bell, so this round must be over. Way to go. It was either that or an angel who got her wings. Could be either/both.
Posted by: D at December 18, 2005 01:51 PMWoo! Get your bootie home and pamper yourself! I shall shake my happy ass while doing some shopping and errands today!
Much Love!
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel at December 18, 2005 03:26 PMYou can DO it Deb. Been reading your blog (from the beginning!) over the last 2 days. What a life you're living...! You can DO it. Keep doing it, every moment of every day. Just DO IT.
Posted by: Jeanne at December 18, 2005 06:19 PMpromise I moved for you - and the world shook too - but I ain't giving you the details!
XXXOOO
Posted by: D1 at December 19, 2005 04:23 PM