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Clem

I had the Pappasitos grilled fajita salad with creamy avacado ranch dressing. It was awesome. Sis #1 got one too and we chowed down. I was still sick from the chemo, but my God that was the best meal I have had in my life. I never thought salad would taste so awesome. You should go eat one now.

I am happy today. I don't feel all that well, still feel really tired and am having some ill effects, but I feel fantastic. I'm so glad to be sprung. To still be here.

I wrote this to someone today:

I wish that you could know my life. How I feel. How excited I get about things and how different it all is. It's like your priorities were all put in a jar and shaken up. So many things that would have bothered me before, just don't. The little things you used to take for granted matter so much. And the people that support and love you just matter so much. I never want to take my life or my loves for granted, and I wish that you could know this. I wish I could show you this. Maybe you already do, but it's an amazing feeling.

I don't know why I write here. I feel like I just have to. But life really is good. Even when it is hard and seems impossible, it really just is good. I have a beautiful magical daughter, a loving family and amazing friends. I watch the news and hear stories and they are heartbreaking and often tragic, but through it all, I still think life is damn good. I can't imagine it any other way.

And the old phrase, "any day above ground is a good day," really is true for me. I'm grateful for what I have. I want to cry and thank God for how truly blessed I feel. I feel loved today. I feel safe today.

This past week's chemo was hard. I was glad to see friends, but I knew they were there to see my friend's dad. He is dying, or will die within a few days, and there isn't any more fighting for him. It just got to be too much. Too much.

But what I did see is a family coming together to say goodbye to a fine man. A man who was married for 45 years. Who lived in the same house for over 40 years. Who raised a fine family. And a man who fought this disease with dignity as best anyone could.

There are days when I'm going through this treatment and I'm like.. this shit hurts and I want to cry, or man, I feel so sick, so wimpy. It all gets to be so much. And then I think of this courageous man who has so many years on me who has gone through all the same. His family said he never complained. Never. Spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies, chemo, transfusions, radiation. No complaints. That just wasn't in his nature.

I hope to be one ounce as courageous and strong as he was. I hope I can and I will try and try.

My friend is one of the finest women I have ever met. She's loyal as the day is long. She is a great wife and has three adorable children. She's funny and beautiful and is one of the kindest people I know. Her mother is the same way. Always a smile on her face and spunkier than anyone. Then there is her sister in law, who always makes me laugh. I always like being wherever they are. That entire family just makes the world a better place.

I have never had to watch someone close to me die. I hope to God to never have to. But to me, just knowing how much that family loved and honored that funny, kind man makes me want to live my life as full as he did. Filled with love and family and laughter. His family is a tribute to what a wonderful life he lived.

Life is not always easy, but for me, it will always be good.

Today I will honor Clem. I will never take my family or friends or love for granted. I want all of them to know that I love and appreciate and cherish their faith and support. Because when the day is done and you look back, it's important to say, today I loved. Today I lived. Today is every day.

Posted by debutaunt at December 19, 2005 02:02 PM