debutaunt.com

Love Big or Go Home

Some conversations, well, are just more important than others.

him: before I go....
him: I love you
him: you know that, right?

deb: yes... absolutely

him: good

deb: because I did first.. i just do

him: everything else is secondary

deb: and that, babe, is perspective

him: the word for 2006
him: perspective

deb: 2006 is going to be a good year for us
deb: a very good year..

him: 2005 is going out pretty good too

And why yes, yes it is!

Yesterday was an exhausting day. I woke up tired, not feeling well, and running a bit later than I like. I had to be at the hospital by 9:45 for the bloodwork and then had a doctor's appointment and finally a spinal tap with chemotherapy. I knew when I saw my schedule that it would be a long day. When you don't feel up to par, it makes for an even longer day.

But it wasn't. It was yet another darn good day that I'm grateful to have.

This moment wasn't more clear than when I was getting the spinal tap. I was sitting on the bed, bent over the table with my head and arms on a pillow. The PA doing the procedure was, at best, a novice, and it seemed to be taking longer and was a bit more painful than normal.

But I looked over and saw my sister, Sis #1. She was sitting in the chair next to me and addressing Christmas cards. We were trying to crack jokes, and I was attempting to do some deep breathing so that it didn't hurt as much. I just wanted the pain to stop and be over with, but then I was like, "snap out of it!"

I started to think about my earlier conversation and how it was going to be all right because I was safe and ok. How because my sister was there with me, and my loved ones were with me in spirit, that I was loved and that everything else in the world at that moment didn't matter. Everything is secondary when you know that feeling.

I have always felt very loved by my family. I feel bad when people talk about their parents or siblings and they don't get along or are estranged. My family is an extension of me. I know people used to think it odd that we had so many children (seven), but I can't imagine life without any one of them.

I won't go all holy roller on you, but I went to a church retreat last year, and the theme was based on a scripture, Phillippians 4:13:
I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me.

During my treatment, this scripture means double for me. When I was first diagnosed, I basically said to God, ok.. you are going to have to deal with this for me because you have some broad shoulders and this is a bit more than I can handle right now.

And some of my first visitors were my older sis and her husband. They basically told me to not worry about anything other than healing and kicking cancer's ass. The rest would just work out.

This reassurance, from God (who has been doing a great job for me) and from my family has been the only reason I am able to deal with any of this. They make it easy and they put it in perspective. I can handle anything because I know I'm loved. Anything, any treatment, any medication, any procedure - it all is secondary because I am safe and loved.

I don't know where this journey will take me. I honestly don't know the outcome of my treatment or what will happen. But none of that matters to me. I feel strong and I draw that strength from God, my friends and my family. Nothing else matters. Trust me, it really doesn't.

I can do this. Love makes it easy.

Today your assignment is to think about the people you love and who love you. When you are stuck in hideous holiday traffic, tired of shopping for gifts, irritated with your boss, or just overwhelmed with a decision or situation, I want you to put it all in perspective and feel safe in the knowledge that you are loved and that you love. It is like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders. It's a gift, like a big giant security blanket. And now. Now you can handle anything

Posted by debutaunt at December 20, 2005 10:26 PM