debutaunt.com

Old Habits

Today's treatment went fast. I am already home and it's only 11am. My counts are low, so I'm thinking there will be lots of naps in my near future along with a blood transfusion next week. At least I'm not in the hospital, so I'm thankful.

Last night it was late. I wanted to take a shower since I had to get up so early today. So I'm pouring shampoo in my hand and realize that I poured the same amount as I used to ... although I don't have as much hair as I used to. It took me back for a minute as I rinsed the excess down the drain.

Most of the time I don't realize that I'm bald until I actually look in the mirror. Or when I catch someone looking at me.

Hair is such a big part of most women's appearance - it's a big deal. Some use it as a fashion accessory and many use it as a security blanket. We fix it, spray it, wash it, color it, cut it ... So many things we do just to look good. I didn't do all that much to my hair before, but I really had beautiful hair. Amazingly beautiful hair if I do say so myself. I was really prideful about that. I finally got the color the way I wanted it, and the length - well that took a good four years to grow out.

But I really can't but think that going bald happens for a reason when you get cancer. It's humiliating. It's depressing. It's humbling. But in the end, it grows back. Sometimes different somehow. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't so much see a bald person, but a changed person. A stronger person. I will get my life back, just like I will get my hair back.

I think of my baldness as a way to make me focus on other things. I no longer have the luxury of being selfish. Of focusing on the superficial, the unimportant. The unnecessary. Hair to me is secondary to all of the more important things in my life right now - my loves, my treatment, my survival of this disease, and my future.

I'm different. I don't know if I can go back to my life like it was before. And I know I will not go back to my old ways of thinking as they were before. I'm stronger, I'm more determined, and I appreciate life and love so much more than I used to.

I am a survivor and can't imagine not using that knowledge to somehow better my life and the lives of others.

One mission that I have been mulling over is working with the National Bone Marrow Registry. Bone marrow donations are less invasive than they used to be. Registering to be put in the database is fairly easy. But in most cases it costs money to join, which is prohibitive to some people. I would love to be involved in raising money to pay for the testing so that more people can register, especially minorities. I know of two people who have leukemia who are on the waiting list to find a match. I can't imagine having something so close within your reach, yet so far from happening.

I have no choice but to do something. I owe it to myself and to the people who I will be helping. My life has been saved by angels, so I must make that effort pay off for someone else.

I know I can do that. I just can.

Today your assignment is to take a personal inventory. Is there something in your life that needs to be different right now? Are you living a life you are proud of? If not, what things can you do to help someone else? And how are you going to get started on that, instead of just thinking it? Another Mother Theresa Quote (hey, tis the season): "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." Do your part. You owe it to yourself.

And YES!! Sri Lanka, she has the internets!!!

:)

Posted by debutaunt at December 23, 2005 12:12 PM