debutaunt.com

Sisterhood

The other day I was getting discharged from the hospital. I was ready to go home, but those days are always just so overwhelming to me. I always end up reflecting back on my inpatient stay and am amazed that YES! I did it. I did one more round and I'm done. I'm alive. I survived it. I am going to beat this cancer.

I think that moment comes as I walk out of the doors of the hospital. The brisk air, the hustle of real life, real people going about their business. The thoughts of going home and freedom to just be; no more poking, prodding, weighing, waking me up all night. I want to imagine that this is what prisoners must feel like when they get released.

I was waiting on my ride to bring his car around. The many shuttles come and go and bring people to the hospital. I was just enjoying the fresh air when I saw this well.. really old woman get out of a van. She had to be in her seventies or eighties, but was really frail and seemed so old. Then I see her turn around and help this even older woman get out. The walk in together, leaning on each other and holding hands like kindergarten friends, and I started crying.

It was the sweetest gesture I have seen. This woman who already had a hard time walking, holding the hand and helping this other woman. I am pretty sure they were sisters as they looked so much alike. They were so intimate with each other. Depending so much on each other.

It made me think about my own sisters. And how much they do for me and how much I love them and rely on their support. I want to kick this cancer's ass. I want to be here when I'm eighty to hold my sisters' hands. To see their children grow up. To share our lives together. I just love them so much. This cancer is not going to kill me. I am going to fight it as hard as I fucking can. I have no choice but to.

Because I have my sisters. My family. My friends. My Monkey Boy. They are all here with me holding my hand; even when I'm alone, I feel this.

Yesterday was an excrutiatingly long day. I got my lab work done and then had to have the spinal tap chemo. I did a lot of waiting and walking around the hospital, and it felt good. It was my first appointments where I was just dropped off and didn't have someone there with me. I felt really strong, but it was a little tiring, a little lonely.

My counts are kind of low. I'm really susceptible to infections now as my white blood count is nearly non-existant. But I still feel pretty good. The spinal tap, unfortunately, didn't go well and she had to poke me three times. It was painful, but I was doing ok as I was thinking about Zoe and white beaches and vacations.

When I was done for the day, Sis #1 called a good friend of ours to give me a ride. She was having a dinner party with the bunko group, and I was going to get to hang with the girls. It was sweet, and I felt so normal. So loved.

I love my friends. It's like I have all these other sisters. They look out for me and each other. I know that if I ever needed anything, I could call any one of them up and they would be there for me. And I know I'd do the same for any of them. I love that group. Such funny, smart, awesome women. They are some of the greatest women I know - great moms, kind, loving women.

There was so much power in that room last night. And it felt so good to be laughing and just talking with them. Women have so much strength. We just kick so much ass. And I think alot of this is just drawing strength from each other. Just seeing the amazing and awesome things that they all do makes you able to see the potential of your own life.

I see the potential of my life. I know what can be. My dreams are so clear and so viable to me. Before my cancer, I used to daydream of what I'd like my life to be like, but it never seemed within reach, more of just a daydream. But now, I see it with so much clarity. My priorities are crystal clear and the potential for those 'what if's' and 'what can be's' is as real as my real life.

For this, I thank God and I thank my cancer. I thank it for making me realize that my life is so bountiful and blessed, and I can do anything I set my mind to. There are so many possibilities that it humbles and amazes me.

I can do this. I feel your hand in mine.

Today your assignment is to show a remarkable woman how much you care about her. Send her a note. Buy flowers for no reason. Write her a poem. Do something to show your appreciation of her special gifts, her strengths, her power. It doesn't have to be some super grand gesture, but it's important to let that person know how great and wonderful she is. I have many many women like that. I hope you all know that I love you very much. Your support has been my saving grace. I will never forget that.

Today my priorities are set. And then some.

Posted by debutaunt at January 6, 2006 07:19 AM