January 07, 2006

Cracked

Today was so bittersweet. I loved seeing my Zoe. I loved snuggling up with her and holding hands. Kisses all over my face. Just like old times.

But I'm hurting. Something is wrong with my sinuses and I am having these like bleeding nose episodes, like clots coming out when I blow my nose. I'm all stuffed up and I have bloody snot (how lovely is that). It gives me a huge headache. I'm going to check with my doctor tomorrow, but last time she just gave me allergy medicine.

I'm also so achy. My fingers are numb as are my toes. And I ache like I have the flu. I pretty much nap all the time. I also have to force myself to eat as I'm not hungry for much.

I hate this.

I hate having cancer symptoms. I hate feeling like a patient. Like something is wrong with me. I want to feel strong, and when I feel this bad it's like there's a chink in my armor. I don't like it.

I try not to complain or think about it. But I'm really having a hard time with this round's after effects. They are really bothering me. I don't like to talk about it. I almost wasn't going to write this, but it really has been on my mind these past few days.

I'm hoping that in a day or two I will start feeling better. Stronger. I need to be. I try so hard to be strong, but when I don't feel well, it is just discouraging.

I am afraid because I know when I have the transplant I will really be feeling punk. I can't fight when I'm hurting. I need to figure out what I can do to get past this. When I hurt, it makes me afraid. Afraid my body will betray me. Afraid the transplant won't work because I'm weak. Weakened.

I am going to think about being strong tonight. I am going to repeat it in my head over and over... I am strong. I can do this. I don't have pain.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Because there's no room for titty babies in cancer ass kicking, now is there?

Posted by debutaunt at January 7, 2006 08:31 PM
Comments

You can do this.

Posted by: CJ at January 7, 2006 08:49 PM

yes. you WILL do this.

Posted by: nine at January 7, 2006 11:52 PM

Deb, you can do this. It sucks, big time, but you can do this.

Posted by: Islay Girl at January 8, 2006 12:07 AM

Our transplant was the most anti-climatic thing EVER. After about 7 months of build-up, it was just like a transfusion. The worst part for my husband came about a month after, when they were doing weekly spinal taps of methotrexate. But he got through and is on the mend. And I know that you will too.

Posted by: amanda at January 8, 2006 08:00 AM

"Because there's no room for titty babies in cancer ass kicking, now is there?"

^This made me laugh out loud for real.

You can TOTALLY do this. Sending you all kinds of positive cancer ass-kicking vibes! And hugs! Many, many hugs.

Posted by: Ninotchka at January 8, 2006 05:20 PM