debutaunt.com

A Few More Days

Well my counts are still low. I still get fevers at random times. And I'm going to need a few more units of blood. I don't mind getting them, because it makes me feel better when my counts go up, but I dislike the benadryl that they have to give you before the transfusions. I was grogged up all day yesterday.

[aside] Oh. Please, please, please give blood if you can. Drag someone with you to go. Because there are millions of people like me that really need blood. I have now needed 4 units of platelets and am about to receive my 10th unit of blood. I wouldn't be able to fight like the debu_warrior that I am if it were not for the random kindness of strangers (and some friends) who take their time out to donate blood. You literally would be saving someone's life if you did. Who knows, it could be mine.

I am feeling better than I did yesterday, but I'm still on bedrest. I have been trying to do leg lifts and stuff, but I feel really weak. I am hoping to get out soon, but they won't let me go until I have been entirely fever free for 24 hours. So it is looking at Thursday at the earliest.

After all these transfusions (4 units in the past two days), I am craving a steak like nobody's business.

I'm watching Boston Legal on the recommendation of Monkey Boy. I loved it. The storyline is about a man (Michael J Fox) who has terminal stage 4 lung cancer. On the show he's a wealthy businessman who tries to buy his way into a cancer study. He's being sued by another man who is dying of cancer as well.

They go to trial and the second man testifies that Fox basically has murdered him because the protocol study was compromised and cancelled. Fox tries to settle and the man says no way. Because if he took money it wouldn't hurt him and the only that that would, would be taking his time. Fox's lawyer walks out and says something I firmly believe in:

"Do not allow anger to consume the last days of your life."

I am a big believer in forgiveness. I actually gave a talk on the subject at a church retreat. And what he said is right.. anger does consume you. I can say been there, done that.

When my ex husband and I split, I was the meanest, bitchiest, most bitter woman of all time. How could I not be? The man that I loved cheated on me when I was eight and a half months pregnant with Zoe. Worse, is that I didn't find out about it until two years later when he received a letter in the mail requesting child support for a child he fathered while cheating on me.

How's that for consuming anger-worthy?

And for a while, I let it. But then I went on a church retreat and heard this woman give a talk on forgiveness. And it really was one of those lightbulb moments. My hate for him had no effect on him, but it had a huge one on me and Zoe. Happy mommy = happy baby, and I was not happy.

I was trying to punish him every chance I got. I was mean, rude and would remind him over and over how he destroyed our family. I?d insult him, and belittle him. He would not go one day without being reminded of what he did. It was like it was my mission in life to remind him too. It was my way to martyr myself. To be the angry scorned wife. To hurt him as bad as he hurt Zo렡nd me.

But then, I decided that if I didn't forgive him, truly forgive him, that my anger was going to ruin me. It had already changed my core being. It changed how I behaved with others. And the scariest was that it probably was affecting Zoe. I'm sure of it. How could it not?

So I forgave him. Like seriously forgave him. I let all the hatred and anger go. And it was the best thing I ever did. For me, for him, but especially for Zoe.

He lives in New York and our relationship is that of old friends. We made it all about Zoe and her best interest. We don't fight. We talk rationally. And we want the best for each other. Now you'd see donkeys flying out of my ass before I'd ever get back together with him, but I am civil and I care what happens to him and want him to have a good relationship with our child.

The guy on Boston Legal was dying, so they were saying you don't want the last days of your life to be filled with anger.

My point is, why wait until you are dying to get rid of your anger? I try to live each day as if it is my last anyway. Because you really never know - you could get hit by a bus or die of a heart attack or stroke and that's it.

I want each day to be the best that it can be. Life is too short to harbor grudges or be consumed by guilt or anger. And why would you want to? Why go on day to day being bitter and angry? Hating someone and holding on to that anger? What a horrible way to go through life.

Which leads into today's assignment:

Forgive someone today. You don't necessarily have to tell that person; you can just do it internally, or if you go out of your way to tell them and make up, just do it. It might be that you need to forgive yourself for a change. The point is to just let it go.

Ghandi said, ?The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.? Be strong today. Do yourself a favor and let go of the anger. Move on and live and choose to be happy.

You can do this. You will be better off for it.

sweetness. they're yours.

Posted by debutaunt at January 10, 2006 01:01 PM