debutaunt.com

That Betrayal Thing

Last night was dinner out with the girls. Celebration of the fabulous Meerkat's birthday.

They were all glowingly beautiful. My friends. Laughing and cracking jokes. I just love funny, smart women. I love to laugh. I love to just hang with them.

And it was so great to get out a little. To live a little and see life around me. Young people. Laughing people. Couples. Groups of men checking out the groups of women. Live bands. Cocktails and sipping beer. It was so alive there. So carefree.

As opposed to the place I hang the most. MD Anderson. Masked faces. Scared faces. Oxygen tanks. Thin, bruised patients. Wheelchairs. White coated staff. Blood draws. Hours of waiting. Anxiety. No one smiles. Rarely do you hear anyone laugh. And every single patient there knows the uncertainty. You have hope. You can fight. You can have the best treatment. But you still could die. It's always lurking. Always a thought in the back of your mind.

I don't think about dying very often. I really haven't. I guess it's because I do feel pretty good. And because I kind of just focus on today. I try not to think too much about what is ahead of me, and just ask.. "what is on the agenda for today?" "How do I feel today?"

The only thing really that reminds me that I'm a cancer patient is the betrayal of my body. The effects of this disease and it's treatment.

I was getting ready to go last night, and I dragged out my makeup. I used to have lots of it - little pots and tubes, powders and brushes. I love makeup. I'm a closeted girly girl. But when I got diagnosed I had to toss every bit of old makeup. No bacteria allowed. It was hard to get rid of it all; like saying goodbye to old friends. Saying goodbye to my old life.

So I sat in front of the mirror and brushed on some eye shadow. And I looked closer and got rather sad. I realized that I've lost most of my eyelashes and my eyebrows. Slowly they have thinned out. As I made up my eyes, I realized I don't look like my old self anymore. I finally look like a cancer patient.

The night before I took a long shower. I got out and looked in the mirror. The ever present central line on my collar bone ... gauze pads and the two tubes that hang down. I checked out the backside. I have scars on my ass from the bone marrow biopsies and aspirations. I have bruises on my spine and hips. I am black and blue from one side of my stomach to the other from all the shots. I haven't gained any weight, but somehow I am rounder. My muscle tone is gone, and I find myself struggling to do the little things now.

My skin is really dry from the chemo treatments. It was white before, but now it's transluscent. My hands are bruised from blood draws. And my nails have purple rings on them, from the toxic meds they give me.

And my head. My hair is not really growing. It's still falling out in spots. I forget that I'm bald until I catch fleeting glances in the mirror.

Or until I'm put in a social situation where I am the only bald woman around. Baldness is like a cloak of invisibility. I feel like myself at MD Anderson. There are lots of "balds" like me so no one really notices. I don't wear a hat and I just walk around like the old deb. But when I go into other situations, I am acutely aware of my bald head. People look at me and then look away. If I try to make conversation with strangers, they have the most uncomfortable look on their faces.

The only real "stranger" conversation of the evening was with a table full of medical students from Baylor here in town. We sat at this table outside, and the guy sitting next to me had a bald head. I asked him how he could be outside without a hat. He said he's not from Texas and is used to the cold. Then we started talking about my leukemia, and it turns out that guy actually had studied my exact form of leukemia. No wonder they weren't uncomfortable talking to me. My one non-self conscious moment of the evening.

I try really hard to remind myself that, again, this is all temporary. That my hair will grow back. That the bruises will fade. That one day I will be able to work out hard. I know this is true, but it doesn't hurt now any less. It hurts to look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back. It hurts to feel like you are invisible. It hurts to fend off stares and pity looks. It hurts to feel so far from me.

But then I look at pictures of Zoe. And I talk to my friends and family. And they aren't uncomfortable around me. They remind me that it is temporary. They remind me that they love me regardless. They just talk to me like ... Deb.

And then I do remember that it is only temporary. And that those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. (Thanks Dr. Seuss) I'm bald. I'm sick. But not for long. Not always. Not forever.

I can do this. You all remind me of that every day.

Your assigment today is to accept yourself. So many people look at their bodies and say things like.. my ass is too big. My nose is too long. My _____ insert body part here. Well today is the start of accepting yourself, flaws and all. Or even better, if there is something you can do to change those flaws and make them better, do it. If you don't like that jiggle on your thighs, start walking or doing leg lifts to tone them up. It's just not acceptable to hate on yourself. Either love yourself, flaws and all or change them.

There is nothing I can do to make my hair instantly appear. There is nothing I can do about the bruises on my body or the missing eyelashes. But I can focus on my strengths and I can accept and love myself for who I am right now. There are much more important things in my life, like healing myself, living and enjoying my life, and spending time with my loves. This is what is important. Today I am going to remind myself of that. I hope you do too.

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P.S. Click here to VOTE FOR ME

(scroll down on the page to vote)

Hey. I got a nod for "most inspirational blog." That was kind of cool, but the only thing I really want to inspire people to do is to enjoy life, but the most important .. is to get people to donate blood and sign up for the bone marrow registry.

Vote for me. I'm sure not to win, but I'd at least not want to get my ass totally kicked. I'm Uma Thurman that way. Plus if it can draw attention to blood donation, etc. bring it on!! Bring it on!!

P.S.S. Welcome back to civilization my Monkey Boy. Enjoy the Tex Mex!

Posted by debutaunt at January 14, 2006 10:30 AM