debutaunt.com

The Work of Being Busy

My routine here is simple. Wake up whenever. Go into the other room and make coffee on my wee little coffee pot. Test my blood sugar. Get my meds out. Fix my coffee - light and sweet, so tasty. Sit down and eat my english muffin with peanut butter and drink my coffee. Take my meds. Turn on my computer and write.

Then I sometimes have a clinic appointment. Or I stay home and surf the net or watch tv. 10am - Martha; 11am - News; 12pm - Ellen, etc.

If you name a time of day, I'm sure I could tell you what's on. That's pretty sad. Although I did swear off any type of soap opera or judge show. I just can't go there. I think it would cause me to lose IQ points.

For about four years I have been a single mom. I never expected when I was married that one day I'd be a single mom, but it worked out that way. And I never realized until now how busy I was. How hectic my life was. We were always on the go somewhere. We were always rushing.

The only slow down time we had was bedtime. Zoe would take a bath and then it was Mommy/Zoe time. She, like her mom, is a "back rub ho." I love massages and genetically Zoe has inherited this. Every night we'd get her little baby lotion out and she'd help me rub it on. Then she would ask for a back rub.

Then we'd move on to story time. She was allowed to read 2-3 books a night. At this age, you can read them pretty quickly. We had our favorites, but right before I was diagnosed, she was all into this Princess/Disney book. It was the sweetest because she was just learning to read, and I'd let her read the words she knew. Then, every night, she'd beg me to sing to her. I had two special songs, and she never had to beg as I'd sing them regardless, but she just liked asking. I'd turn out the light and within about three minutes she was out.

The rest of my pre-leukemia days were full of hurry. Wake Zoe up, hurry to get dressed and ready for school. Hurry to the bus stop. Hurry to work. (I'm in Houston, with this traffic there is no fast) Work all day. Hurry home to pick Zoe up. Hurry to make dinner. Always pushing the clock.

We always seemed like we needed to go faster. And when I think about it, I just wasn't enjoying my life. I always felt like all I wanted to do was sit down with Zoe and paint. Or read books. Or spend time at the park.

Weekends were spent babysitting for Sis #1 and then running errands. Grocery shopping. Cooking for the rest of the week. And then Sunday night would roll around again and I had this huge sense of dread. Dread that Monday's work week was right there. Looming large. My weekend had disappeared.

Towards the end of "that life," I guess I didn't realize how truly sick I was. I remember a month of Sundays where I would have to take a nap. I mean, I just couldn't do the normal stuff that I usually did on Sundays. Zoe would pick out a video to watch and I would just pass out like a dead woman.

Now I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with. It's easy to fill with reading, writing thank yous, or surfing the net - as I have yet to find the end of the internet. I can spend all day chatting with friends. Or reading blogs. Or napping.

It's sad to me that this feels like a vacation. I'm not quite sure if I enjoy it, I mean I'd rather not be sick, lose my looks, and basically be confined in my room. But it is surprisingly relaxing. And for having cancer, you'd think I'd have more stress, but I don't.

But it does make me sad that my former life was so stressful. I ran on autopilot. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't live it. I don't think any "Supermom" does. I don't think anyone can.

I will never go back to that. To the point where I could actually have a major illness and be too busy or stressed to know it. To push my body to the point of exhaustion. I know that when I am done with this, one of the biggest priority changes is to listen to my body. To listen to my soul. And to take care of both.

We all are so busy. And I hear so much about how everyone is stressed out. But when you get stopped in your tracks like I did, and you realize that now you might be facing a death sentence, all you want to do is live. To enjoy each moment. You want to be in your old life with your new outlook.

I can't wait until all of this is over.

Because I am going to sit down with Zoe and paint.

I can do this. All the while watching Martha Stewart.

Today your assignment is to look at your life and ask yourself, am I enjoying this? Is there something I'm doing that is making me miserable? Am I stressed? Is there a hobby I have been putting off because I'm too busy? Do I workout and take care of my health? Do I take time to meditate or chill every day? Do a little priority checking and slow down. Now is the time. Because there might not be a later. Life is so fleeting, so you might as well enjoy it as much as possible when you have the opportunity.

Posted by debutaunt at January 15, 2006 11:10 AM