debutaunt.com

Reasons for the Seasons

I feel like I have been paralyzed by sadness for the past few days.

I have a few reasons. One more than most. It's just too sad and I don't want to talk about it. I might later, but right now, I just wont. I'm not.

I've been in my room too much. It's my security. Just to sit in here and be surrounded by my sadness, my lonliness. My only connection to others is my computer. Sometimes the phone. It's safe here. It's safe to hide out. It's safe, but it's not good for me. Really not good for me or my healing. Being sad is unacceptable. I can't let it rule me, make me afraid. Make me hide from my life. It is just not ok.

I'm staring right down the face of Round 5 this week. My counts are at the right point, I'm the right number of days out, and my transplant isn't going to be anytime soon (at least I don't think so). It's time.

But I'm not ready. It's too soon. It feels too soon. I feel strong and I hate to go back right now. I just want to feel strong for longer than a week. I want to be selfish. It's so hard to feel like crap, and just when you finally start feeling better, they make you feel like shit again.

Today is a big day. A huge day. HUGE! I meet with my transplant team for the first time. I'm nervous and yet excited. They will be the ones to decide if I go for Round 5 tomorrow. Hopefully they will give me more of a timeline for the transplant. To tell me more of what to expect. It's all so tentative, so unknown. Sis #1 is going to go with me. I'm glad. She takes good notes and asks good questions. I'm scared, so it will be such a relief to have someone else with me.

Zoe's dad flew in to see her for a few days. He's going to take her to the park today. I've been missing that child like crazy. I didn't get to see her this past weekend. There really wasn't a reason. I should have seen her. They even had a three day weekend. I just let my days get by me. And I need to make more of a point that I need to see her. I feel like I need it more than she does.

I don't know why, but I have been feeling like she's somehow forgetting me. She doesn't want to talk on the phone with me (or anyone for that matter). It feels like she's now used to me not being there, and she's so integrated into her new routine and household, that I'm barely a thought anymore. I think this is a big part of what is making me sad. I feel so disconnected from what is the major part of my life - being a mother. It all feels so far away from this room.

But it is what it is. And there isn't a whole lot I can do to change it.

I always believe that "things happen for a reason." We may not always know why at the time, but later on, when there is some time and distance from the event, it is then that we realize the why. And most times we are grateful. Thankful. In my experience, it's always been for the best. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but later on it always works out.

I wish I could know the why. I wish I could know that today. I'm trying really hard to remember the lessons. To remember the whys. And how it always works out somehow.

But today I just am sad. I can't see how any of this is happening for a reason. Today I am also just ... well, pissed off. I miss my child. I miss my friends. And my job and my life. I want to drive my car. I want to go on a date. I want to go somewhere on my own. I'm tired of the chemo. But mostly I'm tired of thinking about what will happen with this transplant.

I feel like me today. And I'm just stuck here. The big plan for the day - yay! Not shopping, seeing friends or playing with my daughter. But instead a meeting with the team that will tell me how they are going to practically kill me. A team that will tell me all the horrible things that will happen to me.

I need to reprogram my mind. I know this transplant is hope. It is the closest thing to a cure. But I just wish I could fast forward my life. I'm scared. This chemo has been so lonely for me. And the transplant seems like it will be ten times as lonely. I don't mind being alone, but it's hard when you can't go anywhere. This will be more hospital time. More isolation from people due to low counts. More side effects, bad ones. I just want it to be over with already.

It is what it is
It is what it is
It is what it is

Like if I repeat this it might sink in. I don't have any other option.

I will stop soon. I will accept this soon. I have support. I have love. Huge love.

And all of that means more than sadness. More than anger. More than fear.

I can do this. I have no choice. But at least I'm not alone. I just have to remind myself of that.

Today your assignment is to choose to be happy. To be strong. To overcome the mundane and choose to smile at strangers. To do something that will make you feel good. Take a walk. Get off the computer and do something good. Eat ice cream. Play with your kids. Take a lovely bath. Work out and kick your own ass. Buy real flowers. Do something nice for someone else. Get it in your head that today is going to be a good day and then make it so.

I plan on adjusting my attitude today. There is no titty baby in cancer ass kicking, remember?

And yes, the doctor did prescribe more cowbell. Thankya Longkiss for the awesome care package. Starbucks, softy blankies, cool hats and more cowbell should be a standard prescription for all ills.

Posted by debutaunt at January 16, 2006 09:08 PM