Yesterday started off as kind of a crap day. I've only been getting like 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Which is making me supa cranky. Supa tired.
So they wake me up at 4:30-5:00am for the blood draws. And then I make my wandering trek down to Starbucks for the Iced Latte of Life. It's not that far, but it seems really far when you are tired as heck and dragging your IV tower with you.
I get back to my room after taking a few sips and set my cup down only to have it spill all over the floor. AH!!! Noooo!!! I totally cried. CRIED??!!! Over my Starbucks??!! That is so non-Uma like.
I should have known it was going to be one of those days.
Round 5 isn't going that bad. I'm having some side effects, but the Uma in me is refusing to give in to them. Mostly I'm just in need of about 5 hours a night more sleep. I can barely finish my latte this morning.
[aside] Augmentin, the antibiotic, is the Spawn of the Devil. My body is so hating it. Necessary evil, but still... give me something that doesn't make me feel like I'm going to hork 24/7.
But yesterday was also just bittersweet for me. My sweet Monkey Boy cheered me up as usual and made me laugh hysterically. I swear the nurses must think I'm crazy. And I got some visitors. My Meerkat had visited the night before, and Christine came bearing gifts - the gift of Pappasitos Salad. And fun stories and laughter. Not to mention the fixer-upper-upgrader of my blog stuff.
Right as Christine called me to say she was here though, they suprised me with a test I had to go do. Chemo is a bastard. It can do so many things to your internal organs. They give you as many meds as they can to prevent some of this, but sometimes.. well sometimes... that chemo, she is no good.
So this test was a scan of my heart. To make sure that the chemo hasn't damaged it. They hadn't really scheduled it correctly so the nuclear medicine tech had to make a special trip in just for me.
The transport guy brought me down in a wheelchair because they can't let you walk anywhere. I so don't dig this, but this time he just sat me in the hallway like some kind of cattle. I was so tired, and I knew that Christine was waiting for me. The tech was mixing up meds when Sis #2 called me. She had her 5 year old with her and my Zoekat. I told her I was having a test done and it would be an hour.
Then I sat there and cried. Cattle in the hallway. Exhausted. Scared of this test. Scared of the results. Wanting for my Zoe so much. Wanting for my lunch (hey, it was like 2pm already). Wanting to see my sister, my neice, my friend.
But mostly wanting to not be a cancer patient. Wanting to be anywhere but sitting in a hallway bawling my head off as strangers walked by to look at me and wonder what was wrong.
The tech was nice, but kind of scatterbrained. And he couldn't find a vein to save his life, having stuck me 4 times in my hands. I got a nice little blown out vein in my left hand now, and I am black and blue on the other hand. Makes it fun to type.
The actual test was long, but not so bad once he finally figured out that the second injection of radioactive something or other actually worked. When it was over he showed me the results and he said that they looked good - and they were confirmed this morning by my doctor. Yeah for healthy, strong, cancer-butt kicking heart results.
I thanked the tech for coming in special on a Saturday. He apologized and said he was sorry he hurt me with all the injections. I told him it was ok because I was praying (and man was I) and that it was an important test. He said he had been praying too.
I finally was brought back up to my room, and was surprised to find out that Christine and my Sister ran into each other (they actually are old friends from way back - kind of a small world thing as I read her blog for years before we both had the small world moment that we knew one another)
So I grabbed my IV tower and boogied on down to see my girls. It was soooo sweet to see them. And Zoe was just as bubbly and five year old as ever. She is so "shana" it's not funny. We grabbed my salad and went to the cafeteria. Those moments truly just make the other stuff seem so minor. They disappeared.
Zoe had a moment though. A rip my heart out of my chest moment when my sister said they needed to get going. She saddled up to me and said she was sick. And then hugged me like there was no tomorrow. I smothered her in kisses and pulled her into me. Up into my lap. And we sat there for what seemed like the longest time, even though it was mere minutes. That girl is so my heart. I miss her every day. And I live for her hugs and kisses. To smell the top of her head and to hold her in my arms. To feel the strength of her little body and to feel her sadness as she needs me. She held my hand. I remembered that I am simply Mommy. Not sick mom, but Zoe's mom. It felt so good to be that.
As we made our way out to say goodbye, Zoe and her cousin asked for some change for the fountain. They snatched up my Starbucks quarters and pennies and both sat by the fountain throwing in the coins.
"If you don't throw them in, your wishes won't come true," Zoe said.
I asked her what she wished for.
"That this place was Disneyland." The she thought for a few seconds and said, "And that everyone that is sick in the world gets better."
I wish for this too, my love. I really do.
I can do this. My Zoe needs me to.
Your assignment for today is to turn the bittersweet into sweet. Some days it seems as if everything is just going the wrong way. Things can get so overwhelming at times. And the things that bug us, really bug us. Traffic, problems at work, lines in the supermarket, children acting like, well, children, frustrations hit us every day. And we can't and will never be able to change any of these things. They will always be there. But we can change how we react to them.
I used to have a three hour daily commute. And it was frustrating as all get out. But I played this game in my head that say if I missed the light, then perhaps that meant that I wasn't meant to get the green on that one. That perhaps I was missing being in a wreck per chance. It was kind of silly, but I stopped getting frustrated in traffic. I also used that time to return phone calls (hey, you are going like 5 mph for hours), and it became a time of day to connect with my friends and my parents. I sort of miss my phone time.
I want you to look at today and not let it get to you. To seek out the sweet moments and make more joy with them than to focus on the bitter. No one can frustrate you if you don't allow it to happen. And soon you will be able to more easily recognize these moments and let them go. Life is much sweeter when you focus on your joys.
In honor of my good test results and the sweetness and "glik" in my life, I wanted to post the lyrics to this song I just love. Today it really just means so much to me.
WARREN ZEVON
Keep Me In Your Heart
written by Warren Zevon & Jorge Calderón
Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
I love that song so much. That whole album rocks. After my grandpa died I would listen to that song and just cry but feel so happy. It was strange.
Anyway. You're kicking ass! Keep kicking! No caffiene yet, so no more intelligent comment. :)
Posted by: Angie at January 22, 2006 10:59 AMGood Morning DebUma:
Spilled Milk good title for the day you had.
I would have been tempted to get on the floor
with a straw-but the germ factor-ewwwwww!!!
I wish I could take you away to Vermont with
all of Sarah's crazy sisters for a weekend.
We would make you forget you are a cancer patient
that you have cancer. Sometimes if you run away
just for a few days thats OK.
Now Shoshie does her Yiddish here and I am going
to go out on a limb and "talk" to you.
Having cancer really sucks. Having A.L.L double
sucks. As you know nobody knows why somebody
gets A.L.L and that is a triple suck.
Now since I have said suck so many times I better
stop. I know other words :) Please try and
remember that you will always be DEB. Cancer
does not change that. I understand why you cry,
because your routine is hard, and it is draining,
and it is all consuming. But you are sill DEB.
And for those who look at you and turn away
may I suggest a line we used. "Were you
always this rude and insensitive, or is this
a new found trait." Trust me it will make their
head spin, you will get a great laugh. And maybe
they will learn not to be such a JERK.
To me it's like looking at someone who may be
overweight, or deformed, a multitude of things
I could list. IT IS RUDE TO STARE!
I am finished with my lecture, that is a hot button with me and it makes me a crazy person.
I hope the Starbuck Angels find you today and
send you a replacement.
Tell Sis #1 I really liked that Ya'll in her
note.
Nikki
I love Nikki quote "Were you
always this rude and insensitive, or is this
a new found trait.". its a classic and should be used to all of those rude perfect people. I truely believe in "karma" , I do not wish anything bad to others but i can only hope that they are treated like they treat others.
I'm sorry you have such a shitty start to your day, spilling the caffine is the worst but a good cry is healthy. I'm glad you got to see your Zoe, this must make all the bad of the day seem meaningless.
I am a mri tech and there is no reason in the world to for anyone to be left alone in the hall, espically on the weekend. the tech must of been new or in serious need of people skills. it seems like YOU gave him an opportunity to humanize his time with you by commenting on praying. I bet he was praying because no one should be stuck 4 times by the same person. i have my own rule, i will try twice and then i call for help, no matter what. (four eyes are better that two). my hope and my wish for you "all stick are good on the first time for ever".
I hope you continue to kick ALL's ass.
You are a true inspiration and i read your blog every day. love your assignment and appreciate your wisdom.
I would love to send you a card, could you leave the hospital and address in your next post
a friend from boston
nancy
I don't know much about A.L.L. but I do know about lung cancer and all the treatment crap that goes with it. I'm so sorry you had such an awful start to your day...and so happy you had such lovely moments with your Zoe. I love Nikki's comment about rudeness too! You ROCK!
Posted by: Traci at January 22, 2006 01:54 PMStrangely enough, I drew strength from Kill Bill 1 and 2 too. I kept imagining myself in Uma's yellow tracksuit, vanquishing the leukemia with viciously choreographed slices of my samurai sword. I am glad that you have Zoe to support you. Please know that Eric and I are thinking of you as the transplant date draws closer...please write me if you like.
Take care,
Amanda
Nikki is a wise woman and she said that quote
all the time. And we all began to say the same
thing. Like Nikki said the look on their faces
is enough that they will probably never stare
again.
You did have a big CRAP DAY. I would have cried
buckets of tears. I would have had my own Niagra
Falls going on, but you did a good job.
I think your little Zoe sounds a lot like
my daughter Grace. Those little girls are
very wise and say very smart things. I pray
you have lots of Zoe thoughts today.
XOXO
Lisabeth
I hope you don't mind but I am going to post
in your comment section something we all love.
a little Rod Stewart!!!
NEVER GIVE UP ON A DREAM
(Rod Stewart, Bernie Taupin / Jim Cregan)
If there's doubt and you're cold,
don't you worry what the future holds.
We've gotta have heroes to teach us all
to never give up on a dream.
Claim the road, touch the sun,
no force on earth could stop you run.
When your heart bursts like the sun
never never give up on a dream.
Shadows fall, daylight dies,
freedom never got a place to hide.
Search forever photo finish line
but never give up on your dream.
Crazy notions fill your head,
you gotta break all the records set.
Push yourself until the end
but don't you ever give up on your dream.
Now listen to me
you don't need no restrictions yeah
Oh, sing it again
you can't live on sympathy.
You just need to go the distance,
oh the distance
that's all you need to be free, to be free,
to be free, to be free.
Sing a song for me children
you don't need no restrictions yeah
you can't live on sympathy.
You just need to go the distance,
that's all you need to be free,
Now listen to me!
Inspiring all to never lose,
it'll take a long long time before they fill your shoes
it'll take somebody, somebody, who's lot like you
who never gave up on a dream.
No, you never gave up on a dream
no, you never gave up on a dream.
You never, never, never, never
gave up on a dream.
I know you won't give up on this dream
Lisabeth
Posted by: Lisabeth at January 22, 2006 02:39 PMHere I sit in tears, reading of your day, wishing it were me instead of you for what little good that does.
Glad you passed that test, and that you have those that love you to visit and make you smile.
You can do this! You have to do this! You are all the best things in each of us, rolled into one and therefore you have no choice here but to win!
Thank you for the assignments; I look forward to each of them!
alan
Posted by: alan at January 22, 2006 03:34 PMWhat a day! But you turned it around. That rocks. Take care!
Posted by: Von Krankipantzen at January 22, 2006 03:45 PMDebuma:
You have mail-- and I also think he should go
with Meredith and ditch that nasty wife.
She has a bad "tude"
Nikki
Posted by: Nikki at January 22, 2006 03:59 PMYou are simply just incredible :)
I will think of your assignment daily.
Hugs~
Posted by: Heidi at January 22, 2006 04:37 PMHello,
I managed to stumble arcoss your blog - love it. I am a fan of pink - anything pink, so of course I love the layout =)
Just wanted to wish you the best and commend you for your courage to kick cancer's ass. My brother was diagnosed with AML in October of last year and will undergo a transplant next month if all goes well with his counts right now. I love reading your blogs - you have a great perspective on this ugly disease.
My thoughts go out to you and little Zoe. I will think about and implement your assignments daily =)
You go, Zoe's mom!!
It's your chemo, you can cry if you want to, cry if you want to, cry if you want to...
But I hope the ensuing days bring you far less reasons to want/need to cry.
(hugs)
Posted by: eclectic at January 22, 2006 06:43 PMI'm crying as I read this. Crying! It was such a good day for me yesterday, and I'm so glad I was able to be there for you. I am happy that I had the honor of meeting Zoekat. I'm just glad I was a part of, well, all of it. I'm coming back, too. Those chairs are comfy. I'll gladly sit in the corner and read while you nap, wait while you get tests, whatever. You deserve nothing less. I'll be there.
And I promise, your salads will arrive earlier next time. And I'll bring lemonade. And other good stuff, whatever it may be.
XoXoXoX Keep on Uma'ing!
Laughing and praying and smiling and tearing up as I read this.
Thinking of you.
Often.
Posted by: hamel at January 22, 2006 08:28 PMThese are hard days for you, but you have found the value of putting your thoughts in writing. I want to thank you for your comment on my post "Stumbling".
Here I am thirteen years cancer free and still fighting fear, but you and others raised my spirits and helped me through my anxiety even while going through chemo and your own nightmares.
I still don't have the results, but I do believe all will be well. I am going to add you to my links so that it will be easy to come back and visit.
Good Morning Debuma:
I know you are getting all dressed up
for class this morning and racing to get
a front row seat. Or else you are wheeling that
big old tower down to Starbucks to buy your
elixir of the GODS (Starbucks).
Todays word is varp which means throw. I believe
a good way for me to incorporate the word into
a sentence today is the following. After Nikki
reads my post on our site she will varf a fit when she sees what I added.
In the event it gets ugly here Deb my family
may be entering the witness protection program.
She is going to have my head on a platter.
I do hope you slept like a baby (I know that's
hard in a hospital) I just hope you are not
feeling really awful. I am of the opinion
she who has the most bag on their tower wins!
Love,
Shoshie
That is a wonderful way to view missed green lights. What a fantastic way of thinking, and I will turn bittersweet into sweet as much as I can. Great assignment, and I hope your week brings out more Uma and less tears.
Posted by: Jana at January 23, 2006 08:41 AMDeb Darlin, your post... it makes my heart go out to you. I do so love the way you write. I want to give you big hugs (and Zoe big hugs, too) and tell you both it will be ok.
Less tears is always a good thing.
I love the assignment. I will do my best, Deb.
Hugs and more strength to you, dearie.
I'm so glad that Christine got up to see you and then she and Sis #2 finally connected! I can't wait to see you, and the rest of your family again sometime soon. Wishing there was something great that I could think of to say. But just know that lots of people are thinking of you often. I enjoy reading your site. If there is ever anything I can do or get for you, just let Christine know.
Jeanette
Are we like those gnats or what? As they
say in that movie "You have mail".
May today bring you sunshine, love, a pretend
steak, laughs, a very "hot" male nurse. Stength
beyond UMA strength.
A big old hug,
Nikki
perhaps i will write you a limerick
there once was a lady named debuma
and whenever a bad guy would loom(a)
she'd kick and she'd fight
with all of her might
and diminish him into a fume(a)
what do you think?!
Posted by: clandestine at January 23, 2006 12:37 PMWhat amazed me the most in this post (and there were many things that amazed me, truly) was that you thanked the tech for coming in special on a Saturday. After the poking and prodding and given the fact that you'd been torn away from your lunch and your visitors...I just find it incredibly lovely that you thanked him.
I am thankful for your good heart. You have a good heart indeed.
Posted by: kalki at January 23, 2006 12:55 PMCame here from Susies site. Did not expect to get lump in throat, but glad I did, and glad I came. You are brave and charming and right about not letting the day get to you. Bravo.
Posted by: Amy at January 23, 2006 02:05 PMAs we made our way out to say goodbye, Zoe and her cousin asked for some change for the fountain. They snatched up my Starbucks quarters and pennies and both sat by the fountain throwing in the coins.
"If you don't throw them in, your wishes won't come true," Zoe said.
I asked her what she wished for.
"That this place was Disneyland." The she thought for a few seconds and said, "And that everyone that is sick in the world gets better."
I wish for this too, my love. I really do.
I can do this. My Zoe needs me to.
That Zoe - she has a big heart - nothing wrong with that heart either. Gee - I wonder where she got that from - her mom I bet.
I'm really glad that you and Zoe got a really wonderful Zoe and just mom moment today and that Zoe reminded everyone that we all need a hug like you got today.
You and she are a wonderful pair. I think the two of you are meant for wonderful things.
linda
I thought I had posted a comment here but I guess it didn't go through. I'm sorry. I'm checking out your blog all the time because what you write is always worth reading. Thank you.
Posted by: karen at January 23, 2006 05:02 PM