What would you do if you were stopped in your tracks? If life as you knew it changed in just a second?
No one ever really thinks about it, do they? (unless they are really morbid)
Funny thing is that before I was diagnosed, I used to think "live life for today because you could be hit by a bus tomorrow." And just two days ago, a woman was run over by a Metro bus here and died. And me. I was crossing the street a few years ago and was nearly hit by a bus - big time close call. And I thought it had changed me, but it really didn't. Not that much.
Because for most of us, you just go along, doing your day-to-day and you don't really think about what you'd do if something happened to you. Most of us stress, work, go to church, raise kids, sleep and do it all over again. It's like the living dead. I did it for years.
I think the hardest thing for me is losing your independence. I'm sitting here waiting on Sis #1 to bring me some groceries and lunch. I need people to give me rides. To pick up my mail. To shop for me. For years I took care of everything. I was the mom. And now, it's like I am a child. And it's hard.
It's hard to allow people to take care of you. Nurses, family, friends, strangers. It's hard to let people love and support you. It's hard to need people. It's hard not to be in control of things. Especially when you are as stubborn as I am.
To me it's like that lesson I learned with God. That sometimes, when you can't control a situation or it is too much for you, you just have to give that one up to God and let him deal with it. To have faith that things will happen the way they are supposed to. Good or bad.
There is so much in this situation that I cannot control or manage. I have had to just let go and not worry. There are so many people that take care of me that it's like each person takes a little bit of that worry and then it's not like one has to carry too much weight. To share the weight of the debu_worry. I try to think of it like that.
After I wrote the entry about losing hope, I got this lovely email:
There isn't anyone on the face of the earth that does/could love you any more than me. My faith and hope couldn't be any stronger. I've read this stuff; I know the risks; I know the possibilities, good and bad. But my faith is beyond strong; my hope, endless. Based on everything I can read, I am very very hopeful. I don't know what else to do.
I think this is part of the lesson that my cancer is teaching me. That I'm not alone. That I don't have to do everything by myself. That while worry is natural in this situation, it's not my place to do it.
This is a hard lesson to live. To open up to the love that everyone has for me. You feel like there is no way that you can repay everyone for their goodness, their kindness, their generosity. But I think the way that I repay it is to get well.
And then to carry this favor on. To encourage people to help others. To show my "Zeeskyte" Zoe the boundlessness of love and kindness and the generosity of spirit. I have been given a gift and I need to pass that gift on. It's an obligation I've been given, but hardly a burden.
I can do this.
Today your assignment is to disrupt your schedule. To do something out of routine. Eat breakfast for dinner. Take a new route to work. Skip the spinning class and go play with your kids in the park. Read a book at Starbucks. Try a new restaurant with friends. Make a lasagna from scratch vs. frozen. Go out in the middle of the week. Do something out of your norm. Because there sure are a lot of buses.
Reason #13940238 why I am going to live:
Ms. Pants: dude.
Ms. Pants: shut up.
Ms. Pants: you're gonna live.
Ms. Pants: you're an amazon.
deb_u: lol
Ms. Pants:: don't make me try to kick your ass
deb_u: i know
Ms. Pants: cos you could totally take me.
Ms. Pants: and then i'd have to admit that i got beat up by a bald girl
Ms. Pants: with an iv bag.
Ms. Pants: that would just look really bad.
You can't die when you have loving friends that are this damn funny.
Posted by debutaunt at January 25, 2006 11:32 AMThe bus for my wife and I came about 4 years ago. She has hereditary osteoarthritis, and at 47 was going to have to have a hip and a knee replaced. In the pre surgery stuff, she went in for her annual physical, and the movable thing that had been popping up under her rib cage that I had been trying to get her to get looked at turned out to be her gall bladder being pushed out of the way by her kidney because it had a cyst on it the size of a kiddie soccer ball. Then we were explained about polycystic kidney disease, cancer, etc..
They went in through the front, removed the gall bladder and the kidney, splitting her from sternum to her hairline. The surgeon that removed the cyst said it didn't look cancerous and that he had done a lot of these. He had the weekend off, and the next day his partner came in to check on my wife and asked her when she was starting chemo and radiation. She said she hadn't been told she needed those, that it wasn't cancerous, and that we were waiting for the pathology to confirm that. He told her that it was cancer, that they never get that big unless they are...
We thought our lives were over.
Late on Monday the pathology report came back negative. When they went to remove her staples I had to leave the room. She looked like she had a zipper and I knew that but when they started removing them I just couldn't watch...
She healed up for 2 months, then had her hip replaced. 6 weeks later she had her knee done, and two weeks after that was my vacation from work. She wanted to go home to Vermont, so we went, her doing her therapy excercises in the car, my older son and I splitting the driving.
Since then we've had two more grandkids by our younger son, and each day no matter how mundane is a gift because she's still here. This year we'll celebrate our 30th anniversary!
You are a gift as well, to each of us, for sharing your life with us. Thank you!!!
alan
Posted by: alan at January 25, 2006 01:36 PMyou'll be great! :) xoxoxo
Posted by: clandestine at January 25, 2006 02:24 PMThat's it.
I'm taking your advice.
I shall wear my chaps BACKWARD today.
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes at January 25, 2006 03:07 PMNot sure what to think (imagining backward chaps right now).
Maybe I'll just say how lucky you are that you have so many good people looking after you. I'm glad for you that that's one of your lessons. And you can pass the benefit on through the people that read your words. Thanks for teaching us.
Posted by: karen at January 25, 2006 03:50 PM"Eat breakfast for dinner."
I usually do since I can't cook...My usual cereal and or eggs/ toast.
But seriously...I was thinking the same thing yesterday as I was on the highway driving. The car next to me on the right didn't see me in his blond spot when he wanted to switch lanes..I had to swerve and had trouble controlling my car. It scared the poop out of me.
Life could have changed for me in an instint.
You continue to amaze me.
Posted by: Heidi at January 25, 2006 05:58 PMI took a hot bubblebath in the middle of the afternoon!!!! Wish I could do that everyday...
Posted by: eclectic at January 25, 2006 06:50 PMDeb:
You have heard that cliche "no man is an
island" we all need each other. Sometimes for
different reasons, but God put us on this planet
together and he did that for a reason.
Today I had a cupcake for breakfast!
Your assignment for me: Hug yourself and tell
yourself it's from all of us. A really good
hug.
Love,
Shoshie
I think I am learning so much from you. Giving up the idea of control is so hard. Like we really have control over anything anyway. I will be thinking about this for awhile I'm sure. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your journey. Peace.
Posted by: Traci at January 25, 2006 08:56 PMI wore my boxers outside my jeans today. I felt pretty.
Posted by: D at January 25, 2006 09:53 PMLeave it to me to make your cancer all about my ego. :-p
Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 26, 2006 09:16 AM