debutaunt.com

It's a Good Night When

I went to my supperclub party last night at Sis #1's house. You know it's a great party when it involves:

Wigs
Steak tenderloin as big and long as my arm
Ferrari rides
Diane's cole slaw
Shrimp that someone else peels
Laughing until you snort
Twice stuffed potatos
Scented candles
Scotch
Cowboy hats
Cheese of all flavors
Push up bras
Fruit on sticks
Fake eyelashes
Chocolate cake with strawberries
Girl talk

I got home and was talking on the phone at nearly 1am when the raccoons attacked. The room where I'm staying is always pitch black at night. And then I hear this loud scratching and banging outside the window. Then the raccoons climbed up onto the outside porch and it sounded like they were trying to come into the room. It freaked me out because I swear it sounded like someone was out there. Scratching, banging and some knocking. Overactive imagination, but at the time I was such a scaredy baby. Finally I un-chickened out and banged on the door and heard them scatter off. It really is rather spooky.

I love going to dinner with this group of people. They are fun, smart, generous, and make me laugh. They are all married too.

I was reading online this debate over "The One." The argument was that people really shouldn't stay married because after a few years everyone is unhappy anyway, and that they should just trade up after a few years. That when a couple hits that point, they should just move on to someone else.

I guess I just have more faith than that. Of anyone that could be the "bitter divorced woman" it should be me. My ex was just a rat bastard to me (and Zoe.) I was talking about it last night. My ex was really upset when I was diagnosed. We get along fine now, like old friends, but he is really sad about my leukemia. And I remembered back how it was when I was married.

We really did have a good marriage for about four years. I was a great wife. But when I got pregnant, my husband just changed. He did. It was like his life was just over. His best days were from high school, and here he was - turning forty and about to have a child. And I was elated about Zoe. He wasn't, even though we talked long and often about having a child. It was the beginning of my new life and like the end of his. These two perspectives just changed our marriage. And then his subsequent actions ruined it.

Last night my friend Diane (and my attorney) said to me, "You are going to be divorced Wednesday." It hit me so hard, but I was relieved. Happy even. I have been separated from my ex for over three years. But for a year we stayed married because he paid for my health insurance. Then he got laid off and I have been carrying him on my insurance for a few years. He's Zoe's dad so I just didn't want him to be without medical coverage. It cost me a lot of money, which I don't like to think about, but it just was what it was. When I was diagnosed, and without income, it just wasn't an option anymore. So to hear that my divorce is finally happening just makes me excited. Like a new chapter in my life is beginning. And like I have some weight off my shoulders.

I remember after we split that I went to supperclub with my friends. I saw these couples kidding with each other and how they were affectionate and fun with their spouses. They still are that way. The women are lovely and sexy. All of them are smart and funny and kind. And the guys are handsome, funny, and just all around good guys. They all laugh tremendously. And you can tell that they love their spouses. Many of them have been together for decades too.

I wonder if this is just a rare group. Is the rest of the world like what the others say? Are people really unhappy or are there others like my friends?

But it does reaffirm my faith in marriage to be around them. That there is hope that a relationship can last and last happily. My parents have been married almost 42 years. I would love to have that. It is just another thing on my list of things I want for my life. Another absolute reason for me to get well. Especially now that I feel like I have my priorities so in order. I know what is important in life. I know how important love is. And I have my lovely Zoe. She is so amazing and I really would love to share her life and her joy with someone else some day.

I saw this movie and they were talking about marriage. The character said that she's committed to her marriage because you need a witness to your life. I know that my life is at a really difficult point right now. This is the hardest thing I think I've had to deal with. But I still feel so blessed and so lucky. I still think I have a damn great life. And I think that I have so much to offer. So much joy to give. I would love to share it with someone. Finding someone and getting married again would be such a gift. I could only be so lucky. Really.

Plus I make a mean lasagna.

I can do this. But I am afraid of raccoons.

Your assignment today is to commit to having a good night. To do something different, wacky even. Our supperclub theme was "Don't wig out/hats off." It was fun. Maybe you could have a dinner party. Or eat in the dining room for a change and use that china that sits in the cabinet. Light candles. Make a recipe you haven't ever had before. Or go to a new restaurant that you've never been to before. Try a new type of food. Or just dress up in a different manner than you normally would and go somewhere. If you dress uber conservatively normally, find something sexy and go out on the town. Just make arrangements to have a good evening. One that you will never forget. Share your joy with someone else. Just for one night.

P.S. I wore a sassy redish/pinkish wig last night and it was really fun. I think I'm going to have to check them out. It was nice to not constantly think about being bald for a change and just talk to people. My thanks to the sexy Susan for the fun do.

Posted by debutaunt at January 29, 2006 12:10 PM