February 19th.
I will be admitted to the hospital for transplant.
Before then, they are doing about every test on me that they can. Dr. Q (my transplant doc) went over a bunch of stuff with me and my brother yesterday. Bro #1 is in really good health, which makes me very relieved. Both he and I were worried that they would look at his blood work and say it's polluted or something. He still has a cough, but the strep (according to them) is no longer contageous.
[aside] Although it was funny hearing my bro tell me how they asked him all kinds of questions before they did the blood work. Like "have you ever had sex with a man?" If you knew my brother, oh he of the Barry White-ish voice, you'd be laughing too. He described it as asking if he had visited "The Isle of Man." Which apparently, according to Monkey Boy, really is a place - like a tax haven near England. Still. It's funny.
"The number of cancer deaths has gone down for the first time in 70 years," according to Good Morning America just now. Good to hear. Also thought it was funny that the low fat diet does nothing to help with cancer or weight loss. So all those fat-o-rexic bitchy chicks who are always on a low fat diet can now go eat butter like the rest of us.
I got my schedule and it shows on Feb 20th - 24th
RADIATION
RADIATION
RADIATION
RADIATION
How fun. They capitalized it. Like reading it isn't bad enough. Four doses of radiation. No RADIATION. And the nurse said that the post-radiation patients look burned. Burned? I spend 38 years taking really great care of my skin and I'm going to look like I spent a week in Cancun. Without the fun of Cancun.
Yesterday, after the appointment, I decided to go shopping at Target with the gift card given to me by The Sisters. I'm in the car and on the way I just start crying. See. Here. All I want to know at all times is what do I have to do today.
Today I have an opthamology appointment, an EKG, and then an appointment with a social worker. That's what I have to do for today - beyond drinking my lovely coffee here and eating some yogurt. That's it.
I don't want to know what all is coming up. I just want to do it. But here my doctor was lining all my ducks in a row. He was going through to the date I get admitted.
And gosh. Lemme talk about that date. IT'S TOO SOON. I was thinking the admission would be the following week. I don't know why. There was no reason to think that. But I just did.
So on my way to Target, I felt like I was on death row. Like "hey, it's February 8th, you have 11 days to live." I know. Dumb. But it felt that way. It felt overwhelming to think about it. I feel so good, aside from the jacked sinuses again, that there is so much I want to do before then. It's like I want some extra time.
So. I shopped. I bought a few cool things, some new funky jammies, the novel Memoirs of a Geisha, and some really tasty Altoid sugar free cherry sour gum. I wanted to buy a bunch of candy in Sarah's honor, but I know my endocrinologist would kick my butt as my blood sugar levels have been too high apparently. So I stuck to a few pieces of dark chocolate.
I did give the HUGE bag o' M&Ms to my brother, since he isn't a diabetic like me, but that way I can get vicariously get some sugar when I get his stem cells. That made him really happy. He said he loves M&Ms. It was the least I could do since he's getting poked more times than Paris Hilton.
The shopping made me feel better. Normal. Like f*ck this leukemia, I'm going shopping at Target. February 19th may come too soon, but I will get past this. It's going to just be a little while, but I'll get there.
I can do this. My brother and Sarah are leaving a little trail of M&Ms for me to get through it.
Your assignement today is to do something nice for a sibling. I am really close to mine. I mean, I have six of them. And I love them all so much. So today, just do something fun for them. Call them if you can't see them. Take them out to dinner or buy them something fun. Just reconnect.
If you don't have a sibling, do something nice for someone that is like a sibling to you. I have some friends that are like sisters. Make it fun.
Posted by debutaunt at February 9, 2006 06:51 AMokay.
so, the 19th -
candles to be lit, prayers to be said.
shopping at Target is wonderful therapy.
Posted by: blackbird at February 9, 2006 07:45 AMShopping, no matter where, is always good therapy. Feb 19th. I'll be saying prayers for you, Sweetie.
Good idea -- just make it through TODAY. Let the tomorrows take care of themselves.
Hugs,
Kel
Posted by: CircusKelli at February 9, 2006 08:14 AMDeb,
Continue to treat yourself well in the days leading up to the 19th. It won't be easy, but you're going to kick leukemia's ass with all of the radiation and tests. We found that a weekend trip to the beach and steak dinners helped us a lot in the days pre-transplant. :)
--Amanda
Posted by: amanda at February 9, 2006 08:16 AMFebruary 19th is a good day. Breathe deeply and know that. One day at a time and if one day at a time doesn't work, do one hour or one minute. Tarjay therapy is the best! I'm glad you got some. As for the tears, they are wonderful. I know you are scared and tears release stress hormones...that has to be a good thing right? I, too, heard about fewer cancer deaths for the first time in 70 years. How ironic that cancer took my mom last week. It was good news to hear, though, that now I can just go eat butter like everyone else! LOL Your assignment for today is to give yourself a hug and prepare your fantasies of Cancun for the RADIATION days coming up. Peace.
Posted by: Traci at February 9, 2006 08:25 AMAll through childhood my sis and I fought like dogs. Once I moved away to college we realized that we actually like each other, and now we are the best of friends. Most fabulous news this week -we found out she and her family may be moving back from the wastes of Ohio this summer!!!!!!
So my good thing will be extra prayers that she comes back. YAY!
Go, Deb. You can do this. We are all here doing it with you.
WELL-Praise God you gave an update! Ya know
these Jewish girls we worry, I was kvetching.
I slipped your Yiddish word right in her for you-
it means complaining. Use that word lots, and lots-it sounds really good.
I called Sarah on the heaven hotline-she was
munching on her M@M's chasing them down with
a malt. She said Shoshie quit already I have
it covered with Deb-God has it in his book-
she will be fine.
Sarah was always right Deb. Now here is your
assignment. You put your trust in GOD, your
angel Sarah, your family, the 5 trillion people
out here praying for you, the team at M.D Anderson, and these CWAZY way CWAZY "SISTERS"
who just know you can and will come out a
WINNER!
We all love you,
Shoshie
Poked more times than Paris Hilton? BWHAHAHHAHAA!!! And that's why I love you, Deb!
Posted by: Ms. Pants at February 9, 2006 09:33 AMi love the vicarious sugar via stem cells. i hope you get your fill and they make you so hopped up and full of energy that you keep kicking ass!
good luck, deb.
(found you via ms. pants)
Posted by: becky at February 9, 2006 09:34 AMOff to call my brother! Have a good day today!!
Posted by: eclectic at February 9, 2006 09:54 AMDeb,
Retail therapy is what any GOOD DOCTOR would
order for you. Scratch my Rx for mega amts. of
candy. and change that to a little more retail
therapy.
The Queen of Candy she has you covered. I think
about you all the time. I know you can do this. I know that schedule looks pretty intimidating. BUT-it's one day at a time.
Now I would set it up so one day your in
Cancun. Next day Cabo San Lucas, day three jet off to Puerto Vallarta, day 4 Cozumel. You do have a private JET. I believe John Travolta just
gave you his and he will be your pilot.
Dream big Deb.
Love Nikki
Posted by: Nikki at February 9, 2006 10:30 AMI have been a silent lurker these past few weeks...forgive me for not posting sooner.
I have and will continue to pray for you and to light a candle in my small corner of the world for your healing. I know you have a challenge ahead but facing this challenge will give you a long and healthy life in the future.
The two greatest words in situations like these are: Just Trust.
You are going to make it....
Posted by: Saint Martha at February 9, 2006 10:38 AMI am sure you have the "heebie-jeebies".. I know
Shoshie had them this AM when she wrote you. It looks like she can't spell. However my hands are
shaking a little so I can't be mean to my sister.
They are shaking because I am happy for you. The 19th of Feb is a very good day. I love the number 19, always have, and always will. I am goofy like that about numbers.
I have three children, they all know about Deb, and when we pray at night you are at the top.
Did Shoshie tell you when she is giving you your Yiddish exam yet?
Love,
Lisabeth
I am back...the pest Shoshie...smack my sister
Lisabeth for poking fun at me. Can you ban her
from your site?
I am older she should have some respect for
her older and wiser sister-right?
I am wondering if maybe somebody was just
stuttering when they said that radiation
four times, or maybe they are a bad typist
like me?
Did we get a scooter yet with a basket?
Shoshie
Posted by: Shoshie at February 9, 2006 01:59 PMAs my MD likes to say..... "We are kicking the leukemia's ass!" Girl, you are kicking ass!
Of course shopping does help.
Oh, yeah, and what about that thing yesterday..."this test may cause some discomfort" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Some discomfort, right. I just have drugs for my BMBs.
Laurel
Posted by: laurel at February 9, 2006 04:04 PMThank goodness the "test for hell" is over, i watched one being done many years ago at work, but the patient was under GA(thank the good GOD). i almost fainted. YOU are unbelievable to under go a bone marrow apriration plus a biopsy w/o any pain meds.OUCH. You are an inspiration. I will be thinking and praying for you and your family. The 19th is a good number.......you will do good.
keep up the good work and eat tons of candy if you won't take the pain meds.
take care
Nancy
Ok so we now know when you are going to kick the hell out of Dracula Blood. I know you are scared but remember that tears are a natural healing process. You CAN DO THIS DEB!! You are never alone; you have gazillions of guardian angels all over the world right there with you every step of the way. I'm glad you went shopping and bought some things for yourself. Moms don't do that enough. Keep your faith. My prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Cami at February 9, 2006 06:54 PMYou'll get there. Interestingly enough I was informed my date for admission for transplant almost exactly 16 years ago today. Keep up the shopping therapy!!!
Posted by: Mr. Fancypants at February 9, 2006 09:19 PM"Visiting the Isle of Man" made me laugh. Oh and February 19 is a good day. It usually rains here, but I have a feeling it will be different this year. I'll be thinking of you, and sending you thoughts of strength and wellness.
Posted by: karen at February 10, 2006 11:47 AM