debutaunt.com

A Red Day

Apparently I have a dozen roses sitting at a UPS station right now. While that sucks, the thought that someone sweet bought me a dozen roses and had them shipped to me is amazing. I feel really loved today. That is the sweetest thing ever. So now (after some phone calls on the sender's part) I'm going to get my roses tomorrow and an extra delivery of flowers on Thursday.

I love flowers. I always have. I won't be allowed any in the hospital. Not even fake ones. That makes me sad. I want to take my Valentines flowers with me. I want to look at them and smell them every day to remind me of the outdoors and life and love. I will be stuck on the floor for about a month. No trips outside. No Starbucks runs either.

Zoe inherited my love of flowers too. I didn't have any extra cash this year, but usually I buy her a bouquet on Valentines and her birthday. Usually the cheapest things in the grocery store, but it always made her feel so grown up. So instead I gave her a book I bought at MD Anderson and some sugar-free gum.

I surprised Zoe and picked her up from school so we could have a Valentines dinner date. She screamed when she saw me and was so excited. There is a sushi place up the street from our apartment and it's our favorite restaurant. It's not expensive and they know us as we've been going there since it opened. There's even a picture of Zoe behind the register next to the owner's neice.

They make a special roll for Zoe that's basically just cream cheese. She devoured them and some ramen soup. Topped it off with mango sorbet. She could not be more adorable. She also drank this weird Hello Kitty soda. It is in a glass bottle and is sealed with a marble. You poke the marble out of the top with the cap, and then the marble floats around in the bottle.

Here is Zoe checking it out.

We talked to the manager. She said she wondered what had happened to us, as we were pretty regular customers. I told her about my transplant and what had been going on. She insisted on paying for our meal. That was so kind. I miss my old life. She gave me the biggest hug on the way out. She knew it is going to be a long time before we are able to go back there.

I then went back to my apartment and swiped some pictures I want to bring with me and a few items of clothing. I got to see my neighbors. Zoe got to play with her little friends there. I know I'm moving, but it felt like somehow I was saying goodbye to my apartment, to my life. I just wanted to crawl in bed with Zoe and stay there. To read her books. To watch Letterman and sleep in my own bed. I wanted to watch my child sleep and wake up and fix her eggs. It was so hauntingly familiar. I felt like there was a fire and I was having to decide what to save from the flames.

It got late and I took Zoe back to Sis #2's. She changed into her pajamas and brushed her teeth. She was a bit nervous as tomorrow is her first dentist appointment. She was afraid that he was going to pull her "wiggly tooth." I had my sister promise that she would tell him not to. I got to tuck her in and read her the new book. The smell of that child is so familiar to me. Her little hand in mine, kisses on my cheek, and her hugs. And extra hugs. I ache for that. I ache for her.

I drove off and started crying. I know. I know. I'm trying to be positive, but all I could think of is "what if that is the last time I ever get to tuck my child in to sleep?" What if something happens to me when I'm in the hospital, and I never get to see her again? What if I'm not there to tell her it's ok and not to be afraid? She's afraid. I know she is. She cried when we were in the car. She was afraid of the dentist, but she also knows she won't get to see me for a while. But what happens to her if she never gets to see me again? What if "a while" turns to never?

I simply can't handle the thought of never seeing her again. But it's a possibility. It's something I think about. Somewhere in my head, it's there.

I packed so many pictures of her. That face is going to make me fight. I can't take it if I never see her again. I try so hard to push those thoughts out, but they lurk. And no amount of prayer, positive thinking, good vibes and energy are going to make them disappear. But they don't linger.

It hurts. It just does. I should not be thinking about never seeing my daughter again. It's just not right.

Fuck this leukemia. Fuck this fucking disease.

I can do this. I even got flowers. *hee*

Today your assignment is to try a new kind of food. Zoe was so fascinated with that soda. It was the weirdest thing, tasted like a mix between Sprite and bubblegum. So your assignment is to cook something new, try a new recipe, go to a different restaurant that you've never tried.. just be daring. Life is too short to eat hamburger helper.

Posted by debutaunt at February 14, 2006 09:13 PM