Today's hork count = one
I'm not happy. I hate writing this entry. I want to stay in that last moment with Zoe.
The short list:
I have the smallest room on the floor. It's claustrophobic and my view sucks.
My orders aren't right and they don't have one of my insulin doses on there. The nurse said they will fix it tomorrow. Oh. That's great. In the mean time, I feel a wee bit like caca.
They won't let me go all night without vitals, ergo I get woken up. The joy.
I had a bad rash around my catheter bandage. I'm allergic to God knows what.
My lovely "mishpocha," the SWLF gang purchased me some iTunes bucks. (and woah!!! thank you all big time) I was so tired last night that I didn't use them up. So I try today and the download at the hospital is sooooo slow that purchasing music takes about ten times as long as it did with the wireless. I should have it all purchased by the time I'm sprung from this joint.
My blood sugar was 445.
I didn't unpack and can't find shit.
I miss my family, my Zoe, and my Monkey Boy.
I cried almost all day today and now look like a prizefighter.
I have to empty my own pee thing (you pee in these "hats" in the toilet to measure output to make sure your kidneys work.) And while I'm uber glad my kidneys are working, I don't like to empty my own hats. The other times the nursing assistant always did it. It is gross and humiliating. I want to Lysol my entire body.
Zoe was sad today. She was crying when we said goodbye. I was brave and didn't cry, but as soon as I turned my back - literally that instant - I started bawling. Like big time. Then I had to go get labs done and was crying. Snot a'flinging everywhere. Then I had to walk to my other appointment and was still bawling. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
They put me on mega antibiotics. These do great things to one's tummy.
Did I tell you I horked? And let me say now that there is nothing I hate more than puking. Since I took all kinds of stuff, ate a crap dinner, I have no idea what made me sick. They hooked me up with some Zofran, but um... did I tell you I barfed? I kicked the shit out of five rounds of chemo and barely got nauseous, and here I am, just one day, no chemo or radiation and I upchuck. I'm not liking this. I hate throwing up more than anything. More than fried eggs. And don't you enjoy all the different ways I can say vomit? Shoshie, is there a Yiddish word for vomit? Oy the vomit!
The only saving factor today is this laughing bear Zoe loaned me. It's well worn from her sleeping with it, but when you squeeze it's foot, it giggles hysterically. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I grab it's foot. It sounds just like Zoe when she laughs.
Your assignment today is to drink lots of water. Nothing special about that, but try to drink lots of it.
Here's to hoping the hork count is nil tomorrow.
2/20/06 is day -7 to transplant. I will be getting total body radiation. Kind of like a tanning bed on steroids.
Posted by debutaunt at February 19, 2006 11:09 PMHi, Deb. I woke up with you on my mind, so just checking in. Prizefighter, eh? Well, go with it. It's OK if you look the part; you'll be the one raising your arms at the end, strutting around the ring with a big-ass belt buckle that you've won for kicking ass. I like it! Been talking to God about you and Zoe. I will add horking to that. Hurling, ralphing, tossing cookies, blowing chunks (maybe this isn't helping?) I've gotcha covered. You just be careful, now, and don't get confused about where you put those "hats," if you know what I'm sayin'... I'm glad my favorite girl band, Nikki and the Sisters, (aka the MEAN GIRLS) has you hooked up with the tunes. I had the blessing of getting to be online friends with Sarah, and met them through her. You are in such good hands. This is a chapter you're in. This book gets better. Waaaaay better.
Thanks for the water.
I've never commented before, but I had to this time since you mentioned the "hats". I was admitted to a hospital while on vacation last July 4th and stayed only four days, but, oh how I hated those hats! In Latin I believe the phrase is "Illegitimi non carborundum." Translation: "Don't let the bastards get you down."
Posted by: Ann Marie Gorman at February 20, 2006 04:45 AMI just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I just got out of the hospital six weeks ago, and spent three more in bed- not for anything like what your going through, but I couldn't see my children much either. I hated that other people were doing MY job. I missed them to the point of aching. My heart goes out to you and your family, I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Just know that some other gal in Texas is thinking of you and praying for you. *hugs*
Posted by: Brighton at February 20, 2006 06:26 AMHOLY DRECK-you remember that word student of the
year. I don't know the Yiddish word for vomit.
But trust me I will by the end of the day. I think
I told you my neighbor is a Rabbi-"he knows the
Yiddish". I have NO PRIDE-I will ask him what the
word is and he will probably put the 4 sale sign
out pronto.
Day 1 always sucks-that is what I know. Sarah
was so pissy on Day 1 we thought they were going
to transfer her to the cardiac floor. Her BP went
sky high.
Get ready for this-I think you have surmised
I pretty much say what I want to say. My family
loves me for that (NOT). About that hat-ask them
really nice-if you were staying at the 4 Seasons
or the Ritz Carlton-and you had a bathroom
issue-would you be fixing it-NO. The point of
the story as we all know this costs more then
staying at any FREAKING 5 STAR HOTEL-tell them
you are the Queen of the Universe and you don't
"empty the hat".
I figure I should help you stir up the pot.
WTF-they don't have wireless-you will be 100
before you get that music loaded.
Remember the visual Nikki gave you-that radiation
pretend you are on a beach in Southern France.
DREAM BIG.
My husband Sam is going to lock me up. I yacked
all day long about you yesterday. My kids are
now on the band wagon. You and Zoe are on the
fridge as I said. But Sam said "tell her to
let you know when she runs out of music".
Which means Sam will get you more music. And my
kids want to send you a NEW no cooties Animal
(sigh it's not real). I feel like I am talking
to Sarah...barking all these orders. When I start
telling you what we had for dinner, who was
teasing who, and oh my I should stop.
You can do this "horking" and all. Maybe just
maybe I will see if Nikki will write a very
funny "hork story".
Thank you DEBUMA for the update. You know that
we have a very active worry gene.
Day 2 will be better-but JUST SAY NO TO EMPTYING
HATS!
XOXOXOXOXO
Shoshie
Ps whoever Nancy from boston is that left us
a note. I put a msg for you on our page :)
Hey Deb! Whew! Day one is over. Yay! On to day two! You can do this. You HAVE been doing this so well, with such strength and beauty and HUMOR. Just a little bit farther. You can do it!
You are in our thoughts and prayers. Really good prayers last night - you got at least 75% of prime time.
We are rooting for you, Deb. Yep yep yep.
GO DEB!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOO DEB!
you forgot yorch.
love the word yorch.
yorchie yorchington.
we're prayin for ya here in Tuvalu...
Oldest says hi!
Time to reacquaint with the patient advocate. Grrrr.
It is medical malpractice for them not to properly manage your blood sugars. Period. There is no excuse for not having your insulin orders correct. Period.
Call me when you are awake. :)
Posted by: Sis#1 at February 20, 2006 09:14 AMI'm with Sis #1 on this one -- that's appalling! And I'm with Shoshie on the whole "Just say No" campaign against the "hats". But I'm totally with YOU on the "no horking", drinking LOTS of water, and kicking this week into 2050. You can do this.
Posted by: eclectic at February 20, 2006 09:28 AMDeb,
I am sorry you were sick-very sorry. I wonder
if your HIGH blood sugar had anything to do with
your "hurling".
Sis #1 hit the nail on the head. Pick up the
telephone, and if you can't-- get someone to do
it for you. My dear that is a serious, serious,
NO-NO. Why didn't the nurse act on it and
call and get it changed? STUPID-STUPID.
High blood sugars can cause some people to
hork. 455 not good
I am finished venting.
When all else fails-get the high drama going.
Ask for the nursing supervisor. Or better yet
hork on her.
I wanted too validate how horrible you must
have felt-You know I am kinda tiny-you saw
my picture. But I can still kick ass.
We love you, we will do ANYTHING FOR YOU.
I hope day 2 is a better day.
Nikki
Posted by: Nikki at February 20, 2006 09:55 AMHi Deb
Sorry you’re feeling so crappy. Day one is over.
I do not think any one should have to empty their own hat filled with” stuff". You’re in a hospital for crying out loud, if they want to see the pee, they have to empty the hat, PERIOD. Just tell them that maybe the hurling is because you can't stand to see the filled hat. Really now maybe you should look up the Number for the "Patients Relations" Department at your hospital. Keep it handy. They are there to help with problems small and large.
Now for the blood sugar, I agree with the "sisters", grab the first doc you see and demand that the orders be changed, keep a journal, take down: names, titles, date and time. That way when your feeling better you can remember who did or did not do what you asked for.
Your In Charge.
Prayers and Peace
Nancy
PS do you need a journal
wowzers. I hate vomiting. kind of gives you a sort of respect for bulimics, eh? And i sincerely hope Flowers for Zoe is a good song, because i'm waiting for three hours for its download.
Posted by: Sarah Bear at February 20, 2006 10:33 AMDeb,
I find it wonderful that throughout all of this you can keep your sense of humor. You are my hero, girlfriend.
Here's hoping that Deb wins the next round against the horking.
Going now to drink lots and lots of water.
Posted by: Tammy at February 20, 2006 10:41 AMThe nursing assistants should be emptying the hat for you, for christ sake. Are they recording your output (which is the reason you're using one anyway)? They measure and leave it there? I'd speak to your nurse and if you don't get anywhere, go up the chain. Perhaps you have lazy CNA's.
Posted by: Tabatha Hagen at February 20, 2006 10:45 AMOh...and the blood sugar and incorrect insulin is unacceptable. They should be on that phone to the doctor immediately.
Posted by: Tabatha at February 20, 2006 10:46 AMOY VEY-
So I make my way over to the Rabbi's house and
make nicey nice with him. He is an Orthodox Jew
and I will save that story for you. After I do
the obligatory chit chat. I say "do you know the
Yiddish word for vomit"? WELL that was another
20 minutes. But HELL I HAVE THE WORD.
BREKHN-means either vomit or throw-up. He also
wrote it in HEBREW for me. For the love of GOD
I had to spend another 30 minutes wracking my
brain for the English translation.
YOU SO BETTER NOT BREKHN TODAY.
I did tell my kids the word-big mistake-
they are now using the word. One of the twins
made fudge, the other twin said "if we eat that
fudge we will all brekhn.
See what I will do for you????
Love,
Shoshie
I thought about you all day. I was cheering on the Freescale marathon with my office. My mom was with me. We screamed louder and stronger for team texas. Then I turned to my mom, who also reads your blog, and said "they raised funds to save deb".
Then I saw a woman with the name Deb, it made me send even stronger vibes to you - please keep in mind, vibes take awhile - so monday should be better.
The best thing was seeing a TNT jersey with "Cancer didn't kick this butt". And I teared up thinking how you are going to have to write that on your triathlon jersey.
You WILL kick this cancer's ass. And when you have days like this, remember that there are a bunch of us who believe it.
You said you have a story to tell. You do. My DH has never given blood. Hates the thought of it. Your story and your words have made him change his mind. My mom and I are giving platelets next time and I am looking into the bone marrow registry.
Thank you for keeping us updated. Good or bad, we are here to listen.
Posted by: Missy at February 20, 2006 11:12 AMSis #1 is right. No excuse.
Posted by: CJ at February 20, 2006 11:35 AMdamn it, give ME the number for patient relations and i'll call. you should be resting, downloading music, whatever, you should not be stressing about blood sugar and emptying the hat. i love you, deb, hang in there.
Posted by: kristin at February 20, 2006 11:58 AMHoly shit my dear! 445 is ummm HORRIFYING! That is not ok at all. Raise hell or get someone to raise hell for you. I can raise hell pretty good...I'll call if you need someone to do it. Just ask my family. I don't make waves as a rule, am always quick to tell others when I appreciate them and their good service etc...but if I get peeved, WATCH OUT! Where is your advocate hunny?
Posted by: Traci at February 20, 2006 10:28 PMOh Deb~
I so hate tossing. I would rather feel like complete shit than have to toss it all out. I am sorry.
I hope and pray day 2 in the 5 star hotel is better. And just say no to hats!
Posted by: Erin at February 20, 2006 10:39 PM