debutaunt.com

Well you know we have hit this site 9421 times
checking on you. And we will give you a million
jokes.

Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.

These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by
Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours"

You will be sick of seeing us velly velly soon.

But that is what happens when we love you. We
stalk you. :)

That is hysterical!! I love it!
I did leave you 2 funny things in the comments from the post 'updatin', their true, but I thought they were both quite funny.
Oh, in the first, very long one- I knew Hunter was fine before I thought it hysterical.

Hard to follow that one. Here's a quick one...what did they call "Star Trek" in Japan?

The Adventures of Sulu, Master Navigator!

Hope the mouth sores ease up. You're in my prayers.

Ahhh, SWLF is stalking you too! I'm so happy i'm not the only one!
I'm on my computer alot to do school work, and I just keep my browser open and your site open, and just hit 'refresh' and see how you're doin'.

Now before we give you the joke. We are so glad
that you posted. Ya know we were kvetching and were
getting ready to plotz. Don't let that morphine
scare you. Morphine is good for you and your mouth
sores. Morphine is your friend right now. We will
think of a name here.....and we will be back with
the name. But we have another joke

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it. The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It’s those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they’re through using it!"

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! that's so gross!

UH DAWN we stalk her because we were all QUINTUPLETS
in our first life, seperated at birth, and when
she gets out of the RITZ we will be on the JERRY
SPRINGER SHOW.

i am SO not a joke teller, but i was checking your site every 15 minutes to see if you were ok. Do tums help for the mouth sores, like they do when you have a canker sore? i'm sure they don't or you'd already be doing it. thinking painfree, rest & sleep thoughts for you.

and i'm using the synagogue funny list to woo men on jdate. wonder why i'm not having any luck?

Oh oh!! I cant wait to see when y'all are on Springer! Let me know when, cuz, I dont want to miss it!

We have compiled the list of all your titles.

1. Queen of the UNIVERSE
2. DEBUMA
3. Queen of DELFT
and today we introduce....we need a drum roll

MADAME MORPHINE OF MADRID.

OR call her MMM Do not shorten the title to M@M
ok..

Royal folks prefer the full title hence
please address her as MADAME MORPHINE OF MADRID.

IF we catch anybody using any wacked out versions
we will come and get you.

And really before you comment you should put
on your white gloves and begin typing or
do a little curtsy.

Thank you

PS Kristin if you get 10 people to leave jokes
we will give you tips on how to woo the Jewish
men....

This is the funniest joke I have ever heard in my life . . . I HOPE it does not offend you or anyone else - that is not my intent.

So Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when a vampire swoops down and lands on their windshield. Sister Mary is driving so Sister Hazel tries to hit the glass and make the vampire fall off . . .to no avail. Finally Sister Mary says to Sister Hazel - "quick Sister show him your Cross" . . . so Sister Hazel hangs her head out the window and says GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!

I hope that made you laugh. I am so sorry about the mouth sores. :-( You are in my daily prayers.

Dear MADAME MORPHINE OF MADRID,

Yes, all caps because you are that royal. I have on my white gloves, and did the curtsy to you, my royal Queen. I still have no jokes.

A man in a hospital gown is running down the hallway of the hospital, grabbing his crotch, screaming his lungs out. An older nurse is talking to a younger nurse saying, "No, Dearie. We only apply after shave when we shave their face".

Dawn gets an A+ she used the white glove and
did the curtsy. She is off the hook. And we
loved the NUN JOKE.

Of course we have another joke for you.

A woman stopped by at her son's house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought....
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered,sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Deb-be careful what you wish for. Do we have jokes or what.

A little 8 year old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. The day after the proceedure he returned to school. During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse. When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy. Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Back to class," said the boy. "But you can't go back like that!" explained the nurse. "I have to," stressed the boy. "My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up."

I can't think of a good joke right now so I'll just say hi!

I do not have any jokes but those are the funniest jokes i've 'heard' in a long time. Deb yours was so freaken funny and the SWLF's are a close second, third.....
I hope the mouth sores heal fast and i will continue to think and pray for you and your little Zoe...........
nancy

A joke a joke a joke...

What lays on the ocean floor and twitches?
A nervous wreck! :)

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
de-calf-inated

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!

Continued prayers and good vibes and well wishes for you, Deb-Uma. :)

And she prayed we would run out of jokes :)

---------------------------------------------------
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
--------------------------------------------------
Sis # 1-Hows the dance video coming along?

Joke curtesy of Jay Leno:
Today was the big final day of Mardi Gras. The drinking, the naked women, the partying all night. Or as Bode Miller called it, 'Olympic training.' " -- Jay Leno.

UGH! ;)

i such at jokes, but HI!

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed late at night. The egg has a dreamy, contented expression on his face, as he smokes a cigarette. The chicken appears agitated, almost hostile. "Well!" She says, "I guess we answered THAT question!"

If anyone does not GET that joke, Stalker Dawn can explain it :p

Two friends are out walking their dogs in the afternoon sun. They walk several blocks, and become thirsty. Just then one of the friends says, "Hey, let's go in that bar on the corner and have a beer!"

"We can't go in there with the dogs," says the other guy.

"Sure we can, watch this!" says the first guy. He pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and walks his dog right into the bar.A few minutes later, the other friend goes over to the bar and looks in the window. There's his friend sitting on a barstool, sunglasses on, enjoying a beer, while his German Shepherd lies contentedly on the floor next to him.So the other guy decides to join him.

He puts on his sunglasses and walks into the bar, dog leading the way.

"Hey! You can't come in here with that dog!" yells the bartender.

"What? He's my seeing eye dog; you have to let us in!"

"Yea, right. A chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"

"Son of a bitch! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

And my very favorite. This is the first "dirty joke" I ever heard, when I was in about 4th grade. It still makes me laugh.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, back in the day before "irreconcilable differences" was considered a good reason to divorce.

The judge says to Mickey, "I am afraid I cannot grant your petition for divorce. I have examined all of the evidence very carefully, I have read your statement, and I can find nothing at all to corroborate your claim that your wife, Minnie, is crazy."

Mickey says, "NO, your honor! I never said she was crazy! I SAID she was FUCKIN' GOOFY!"

I don't know any jokes but I did send you a special email. But, I had to fulfill my assignment so HHHHEEEELLLLLOOOOOO!!!!! DEBUMA

Cami

I prefer the title Madame Morphine of Mayfair myself but "maybe that's b'cos I'm a Londoner".

I can't think of a funny joke, that is remotely clean (shocking as I'm a baptist minister daughter!)so I'm leaving a link to a beautiful pop promo that I adore and expresses my silly sense of humour.
http://www.shynola.com/movies/goodsong/goodsong_download.htm

Glad you are feeling better x

Susie, I read your first comment and just started cracking up! I'm so glad the boys are still at school, because there is no 'splainin to them about that joke! My goodness!!

Yes, stalker Dawn can explain it, because it TOOK ME FOREVER to get it.
Everyone in Susies comments that day got it. I kept thinking- huh? why does everyone think this is so funny?
Then, I got it. After a long time.

That, Dear MADAME MORPHINE OF MADRID, is a joke in itself!

no time to read the extended version -
just thought I would catch up...
I am terrible at jokes, but just yesterday my brother pointed me to two Woody Allen bits -
if you like him, go listen, or read them (damn! I have no link!)
one is called The Moose
and one is called Eggs Benedict...

I hope you are feeling better soon and will say a prayer for you tonight (I will be in a huge cathedral at a wedding rehearsal).

hugs,
bb

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants.
But what did Tarzan say when the elephants came back wearing sunglasses?
......Nothing!
He didn't recognize them.

Well, I already told you my best joke in an earlier comment. And I don't have a second-best joke, so here is some Zen Sarcasm from a very early post on my blog:

-- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

-- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

-- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

-- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

-- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

-- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

-- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt... Then things get worse.

The only joke I can remember involves a dead baby and is even more inappropriate than a joke about some poor guy stuffing chicken parts up his butt. Since my joke memory is lacking, here are ten funnies
1. Ashley Simpson
2. Jessica Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy, other Kennedys are off limits
4. Olympic ice dancing
5. Vince Young's agent for not preparing him for the wonderlic exam...oh wait, he did
6. Barney Fife, RIP
7. Baylor football
8. Dave Chappell as Rick James
9. Denny Crane
10. The giggle bear

I called your boyfriend gay....

...and then he hit me with his man-purse.

I hope this one-liner makes you laugh!

I heard this joke on the radio a couple days ago and while it may be inappropriate as some say, it did make me giggle...so here goes:

A guy walks into his house carrying a sheep. He goes into the living room where his wife is knitting and says "This is the pig I make love to when you have a headache." His wife looks up and says "That's not a pig!" The husband replies "I wasn't talking to you!"

Ok, ok, blame the morning disc jockeys!

Hi Deb!

Guy is golfing and smacks one into the rough. As he hunts it down, a leprechaun jumps out and steals the golfball. The guy chases him and catches him, so the leprechaun offers him a choice between two wishes: 1) A whole year of playing the best golf game he's ever played; or 2) A whole year of the best sex he's ever had. Guy thinks about it, and then chooses the first option. The leprechaun raises an eyebrow, but grants the wish and disappears with the golfball.

Well, sure enough the guy plays outstanding golf for a whole year, amazing his friends and beating long-time rivals easily. And at the end of the year, he smacks one out into the rough again. Leprechaun jumps out, steals the ball... same story. The guy really waffles this time, but in the end, chooses another year of golf. This time, the leprechaun openly questions the guy about what must be a phenomenal sex life. "Laddy, and how many times will you be getting it on with the bonnie wee lassies then?" The guy replies, "Oh, 'bout 5 or 6 times a year." The leprechaun snorts derisively, so the guy responds, "What? It's not bad for a priest in a small parish!"

So glad to see you back online, Deb. I've been worried!! You're in my thoughts always.

It is a little known fact that I actually did win a disco dancing contest. In 8th grade. Judged by nuns.

I was dancing with a kid about 3 inches shorter than me. We weren't very good, but we were very enthusiastic. There is a lesson in that somewhere.

There is a video of me that exists on the internets that is more funny than disco dancing videos. It is hard to find, but you can if you are really bored:

1.Go to houstontexans.com

2. Click on news, then lower on latest news.

3. Then click on video archive.

4. Scroll down about half way down the archive and look in the middle row for "Ultimate Fan Contest (11/28)". Click on that link.

I am figuring you can figure out which one of those peeps is me.

Anyone can disco dance. Not too many people can do what is seen in that video. Bwahahaha.

Why was the snowman standing next to the road with his pants off?

He heard the snowblower was coming by!

Sis # 1...Ok we are all going to do that right now.
We have 3 sisters here plus Nikki and 7 kids. We
will be back with the veridict. However when MADAME MORPHINE OF MADRID is back to posting. I forsee
a petition on this blog. If we get 100 posts you
are soooooooooooo doing a dance video for us.

As they say "that is all" We know you have a
Tina Turner "gene".

I'm sad to say I dont know for sure. We're you the umpire? One of the two cheerleaders? The girl with the bull?

I give up!!

I think we can get 100 comments- no problem!

Did you say 100 comments?

Because I thought that's what someone said.

GO NUMBER 80....Now we watched that about 5 x
and laughed ourselves sick.....BUT we still
want a dance video...and we also found something
you might want to ponder. SIS # 1 take note when you read this esp about the top.

http://www.houstontexans.com/news/news_detail.php?PRKey=2353

And that someone ALSO said that if we get 100 comments, Sis #1 will have to make and post a dance video!

Game ON!

Oh, and maybe if I show my titties, more people will show up and comment?

Here ya go:

(.)(.)

A penguin was driving down the freeway when his car started making strange noises. Concerned, he pulled over at the first town he came to - just a little roadside burg with a mechanic, an ice cream stand, and a few shops. Taking the car to the mechanic, he described the strange noises it had been making.

"I'll check it out," said the mechanic. "It'll take me about an hour - why don't you do some shopping or grab a bite to eat?"

Well, it was a hot day, and being from a cooler climate, the penguin decided to get a nice cold vanilla ice cream cone. It was delicious! But penguins don't have hands, you know, only flippers, so he made a bit of a mess of himself. Still, it passed the time until he could go pick up his car.

"Well," said the mechanic as the penguin came back to the shop, "it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin blushed and brushed at himself. "No, really," he said, "it's just ice cream."

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Hey Deb, hope you feel better very soon. This is a great assignment. I'm still laughing over some of the jokes I heard here. Tears from laughing, Oy. Some of them I heard before but forgot, so funny. Thanks for the laughs. xoxoxoxo

Oh oh!! I'll show mine too!

(,)(,)

Yea, they droop

Think peeps will come to see those?

Did ya notice I changed my name? Ya, its official now ;-)

I had a hard time coming up with a clean joke too so heres' one that I remembered that might be ok.

Why do women get crows' feet?

It's from squinting when we say "Suck what?".

That is funny! I need to come up with some jokes.

100 comments? Oh, yea, that's doable. I don't have another joke just now, but after reading D's list, I feel compelled to say:

I'm Rick James, bitch!

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

Well, well, well. Sis #1 had best be getting her
groove on. Because we will have 100 comments here.
And we will see her moves on a video.

How could you possibly say no to

THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE'S
LOYAL SUBJECTS

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

This is a bonus joke.....a little YIDDISH

OK, this was told to me by the nurse who was holding my hand while I had a camera put where no camera is EVER supposed to go, last week. She was a good nurse, but a bad comic:

Man goes to see a psychiatrist, says, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep having these Indian dreams. One night, I dream I'm a wigwam. The next night, I dream I'm a teepee. What is it, doc, what's wrong with me?!"

Doc says, "I see your problem. You're two tents."

(too . . . tense . . .)
Yea, when she told me that one, I groaned. The doc with the camera said, "Did I hurt you?" I said, "No, but this chick here with the bad jokes did!" Ba dum bum!

Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

OH SUSIE-that was a really bad bad joke she told.
She better keep her day job :)

And we should say today is SUSIES ONE YEAR
BLOGGING BIRTHDAY...

Yea for Susie and Gumby they are the "bestest".

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

We're not at 100 yet. C'mon people... don't make me show my ass, too!

Because I will, y'know...

Alright... you leave me no choice:

( | )

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!

SIS # 1- we have the song all picked out for ya.

This song is great, and you will look so good.

Here are the words start practicing :)

Tina Turner - Simply The Best Lyrics

I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire
You come to me, come to me wild and wired
When you come to me
Give me everything I need
Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means
ohh, it can't be wrong
Take my heart and make it stronger baby

You're simply the best, better than all the rest
Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met
I'm stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say
Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead

In your heart I see the stars of every night and every day
In your eyes I get lost, I get washed away
Just as long as I'm here in your arms
I could be in no better place

You're simply the best, better than all the rest
Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met
I'm stuck on your heart, and hang on every word you say
Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead

Each time you leave me I start losing control
You're walking away with my heart and my soul
I can feel you even when I'm alone
Oh baby, don't let go

You're the best, better than all the rest
Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met
I'm stuck on your heart, and hang on every word you say
Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead

Oh, You're the best...

We got Eclectic's boobs AND ass??

I'm thinking Deb may be a bit special ;-)

As you may have noticed, I found a joke website.

I hope cheating like that is ok.

My mum had a system for feeding us - your mum was probably the same - the system she used was the 'Scoop-Chop System', you're probably familiar with it. Up until the age of five, we were allocated one scoop of mash and one chop. From the ages of five to eight, we were allocated two scoops of mash, and one chop - or the fish-finger equivalent. From the age of eight onwards, we were allocated two scoops of mash, two chops. That was the top level, she wouldn't budge from there. You could be 16, you could be 60 - two scoops, two chops.

Well, you can imagine, you get to about 30 or 31, and you want a little more mash... is that so dirty? So what we did... one night, we snuck into her kitchen, and we substituted her mash scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger. Only ever-so-slightly... That night, she's dolling out mash, unbeknownst to her, from a slightly larger scoop. We're getting a tiny bit of extra mash! The next night, we snuck, and we substituted that scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger - not so she'd notice - and that night, she's dolling out mash from a slightly larger scoop! The night after that, we snuck... we kept all the scoops in a lock-up garage... we substituted that scoop for one ever-so-slightly larger, not so she'd notice mind! We're getting slightly more mash! The night after that, we snuck, we substituted......

Three years later she's dolling out mash from a scoop the size of a paddling pool! She's employing two small boys, they start work at 7am, peeling and mashing... But to be honest with you, it was too much mash! We're only getting two chops, remember...

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

We will be back we must ESS...so we can continue
the DEBUMA DIVA DISCO DRIVE TO DELFT

I think it's Eclectic that's "special."

Wouldn't it be so much easier though, if dogs only ate foods that rhyme with their names? Under this system, the poodle would eat strudel, or noodle... but if you think about it, that's the only dog that rhymes with a particular food... so presumably that's why that particular system isn't in operation. .......No! Stop trying to think of dogs that rhyme with foods. No stop it! There aren't any!

Not so funny, but it's my favorite.

How do you make a tissue dance? Blow a little boogie in it.

No really, it's just ice cream! PWAHAHAHAAAA!

The husband and I are enjoying that one :)

Yes, Eclectic is quite 'special'. ;-)

Susie- I cant find the 'its just ice cream' one!!

But, it made me want ice cream. So, gettin' kids in the car and going to get some. Of course, it was under the premise of - Kids, do you want some ice cream?

forgive me, but i have children, so all my funny jokes can be summed up thusly:

what's brown and sticky?

a stick.

Stalker Dawn, just don't blow a seal on the way, honey ;)

Every single one of you here is special. No doubt about that. Not only do we love DEBUMA.

But we love each and every one of you who is
taking the walk and holding Deb's hand as she
kicks cancer THE TEXAS WAY....and we all know
in TEXAS they do it BIG.

YOU ALL ROCK as my kiddies would say :)

Oh NO!! I did not blow a seal, or a tiger, or cow- well, maybe a cow ;-)

"I'm sad to say I dont know for sure. We're you the umpire? One of the two cheerleaders? The girl with the bull?

I give up!!

I think we can get 100 comments- no problem!"

OK, this is the scene. The Ultimate Fan Contest from two years ago.

I am the redheaded chick wearing the cape and western boots and the whole superhero outfit. My evil nemesis, Annoying Cowboy Fan interrupts what I am doing. So I kick his ass.

Annoying Cowboy Fan is easy to recognize. He is the guy with the big orange cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, cowboy boots, enormous diaper and pacifier.

At the end of the video, I run through the tunnel at Reliant--I am blonde, until my wig falls off--that happened right after video ends. We were delayed coming out of the tunnel because the guy in front of me--his headress fell off.

Yes, I found the ice cream joke. Glad I got the ice cream first!!

That is just too funny!!

The above comment was after I found the ice cream joke.

The YIDDISH YODA MASTER is going to leave DEBUMA
a great word. Don't think cuz you are on MORPHINE
we are not having class "girlfriend". You can call your morphine this word.

NAFKA-WHORE...It's Friday night and what better
day to introdue the Yiddish word for whore.

The YIDDISH YODA MASTER is talking to you here
"sister". Those cells of STUD BROTHER are working
and you are doing great :). I can see you now
at my kiddies bar/bat mitzvah...I am going to make you stand up and recite in HEBREW a prayer.
You have a whole year to practice.

Love,
Shoshie
The one and ONLY YIDDISH YODA MASTER

Stalker Dawn. You are not a farm girl, are you, honey? You really CANNOT "blow a cow." And that's all I'm saying about that.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221" she replies.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

The "ladies" are booing my jokes. It's tough
being the man in the house with these woman.

Ok he had to go he was spending way too much time
looking at Eclectics boobs and ass, and Dawns boobs. And reading about somebody doing BJ's with a cow. I DON'T NEED THIS GUYS. I will be hearing well so and so on the blog they do this and that hell I will be wearing leather and God know's what else...if you keep this up.

Shoshie, you know, he was at my strip club the other day, MORE LIVE NUDE GIRLS (I know, the name isn't original, but it brings 'em in). He's a really good tipper :)

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Caught busted so Sam has strayed and he went
with my sister...."something ain't right"

I have not been on the blogs were you nude Susie?

Okay, a string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve strings there."

The string leaves and runs into a string friend of his. He tells the friend that he'd like a drink but can't be served as he's a string.

The friend knows how to help him. First he ties a knot in him. Then unravels some of the string.

The string goes back in the bar and orders a beer again. The bartender says, "Didn't I tell you to get out of here earlier? Aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "No I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot) tee hee

I wonder is SIS #1 is humming SIMPLY THE BEST.

Because we are so going to have a 100.....

Oh, yea. Totally. For a couple of days :)

If you can run out in front of a gazillion fans.
You can make a little video for DEBUMAS LOYAL
SUBJECTS....You will go down in HISTORY.

OK - here's the funniest joke I ever SAW:

Take some toilet paper and rip it into little bits. Hold the little bits of shredded toilet paper in your hand, in a loose fist, so no one can see what's in your hand. Then ask:

"How can you tell if someone's had oral sex with a duck?"

Hold your paper-filled fist to your mouth and cough into it. Shredded toilet paper will fly everywhere - like feathers!

Susie you go girl. Nude on your blog. That is some sort of freedom of expression. I will check that out in the next few days :)

GIRLS AND BOYS:

A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR YOUR HELP IN MAKING
DEB SMILE....WE LOVE YOU

Jim, that is brilliant. I've missed you, Shoshie. You can come see my naked posts anytime :)

Ahem Sis #1 do you want to borrow our Mr. Mike?

Um, yea, not a country girl. I realize the error of my ways. I should have said I was licking the cow.

Confetti! Champagne! Dancing monkeys!

Over 100, for you Deb! Each goofy comment filled with love, prayers (yes, sometimes God looked the other way, we did get a bit "silly,") and healing energy for you.

XOXOXOX

And the award for the quote of the evening goes to Stalker Dawn, for "I should have said I was licking the cow." Never before has anyone said that, in the history of Deb's blog, or any other blog :)

WooHoo!! Over 100!! Now, Sis #1, video please.

I have been laughing so hard. I had Phil look through the comments, and he just laughed then walked away shaking his head.
He's got a crazy woman.

HA HA HA HA HA....Dawn god love ya, just what
were you doing with that cow?

Thanks you Susie for pointing that out to me.

Dawn can you say MOOOOOOOOOO

HA HA HA HA HA....Dawn god love ya, just what
were you doing with that cow?

Thanks you Susie for pointing that out to me.

Dawn can you say MOOOOOOOOOO

Wow, and quote of the evening! I'm humbled, truly.

MOOOOOOOOO

Yes, laughing and being silly- very good healing energy. Deb, I hope you're feeling it, and feeling better and better!

Oooh, a sing-along!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Some comments:

1. "Simply the Best" is not disco.

2. I have no way to make a video of me dancing, much less get it on the net.

3. If I did, I hereby say I am not responsible for any harm caused by such video.

4. WHAT?? No commentary on the Annoying Cowboy Fan Butt Kicking??? It is magnificent.

I read this on a bottle of Gum Out, stuff you put in your car's gas tank to help improve mileage.

"Empty contents of Gum Out into gas tank when tank is near empty. Run until tank is near empty before refilling."

Uh, my brain stuttered reading that.

OK you pick your own song...and we will have someone
show you how you get it on the net :)

YOU WERE AWESOME #80 which is why we want the
Video. You were born to be on stage.

Love and Kisses
SWLF

MOOOOOOO

The only harm would be stomachs aching from laughing very hard. I'm betting it would be very funny!

What about 'Saturday Night Fever' thats disco....

Sweet!! We're over 100!!!

:::putting clothes back on:::

Why yes, I AM "helmet-special" -- thanks for noticing!!!

Oh, and here's my musical contribution to tonight's bovine sing-along:

"I like the way that you MOOOOO-OOOOOOve me..."

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Uhohnowlook what you did, eclectic. Got me going waaaaaay back:

"Something in the way she moooooooooooooooooooves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woooooooooos me

I don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don’t need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me

Don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
You stick around now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know

Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me

Don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now

Oh no! Bovine sing-along, Eclectic gettin' dressed, and Susie goin' way back!

I need to learn about farm animals.

A Bovine sing-along. That might be a new low . . . no, a new HIGH for me :) I hope all this mooooooovin' and groovin' isn't keeping you awake, Deb :)

I'm not going to get in on the singing, I just can't compete. So a joke then....

Q: What did the fork say to the spoon?
A: Nothing... forks can't talk.

;)

Uh, Dave? Maybe you SHOULD try singing . . . I'm just sayin' . . .

This is my favorite love song. Sam sings this
to me every night when we cuddle :)

Yellow duck, yellow duck why do you quack?
And when you do, why do all the other ducks quack back?
All I want to know is what you're talking about.
This animal language I can't figure out.

Quack, quack, quack, means How do you do?
Quack, quack, Wonderful! How about you?
Quack, quack, quack, quack, Would you like to play?
And just one quack means, Have a nice day!
Quack is the only thing a duck can say.

Moo cow, moo cow why do you moo?
And when you do, why do all the other cows moo too?
All I want to know is what you're talking about.
This animal language I can't figure out.

Moo. moo, moo, means How do you do?
Moo, moo, Wonderful! How about you?
Moo, moo, moo, moo, Would you like to play?
And just one moo means, Have a nice day!
Moo is the only thing a cow can say.
Quack is the only thing a duck can say.

Woolly sheep, woolly sheep why do you baa?
And when you do, why do all the other sheep baa back?
All I want to know is what you're talking about.
This animal language I can't figure out.

Baa, baa, baa means How do you do?
Baa, baa, Wonderful! How about you?
Baa, baa, baa, baa, Would you like to play?
And just one baa means, Have a nice day!
Baa is the only thing a sheep can say.
Moo is the only thing a cow can say.
Quack is the only thing a duck can say.

And people wonder why I have four children?

hugs to you madam.

I'm dropping a note to tell you how I'm thinking of you. I just took a sea soak in the ocean and came up here to catch up on your blog. If I think of a good joke, I'll post it soon. I'm HORRIBLE at remembering punch lines and such - but I can do some crazy good slapstick if ya want. ;)

xxx
snit

This is a true WTF. We start with jokes. Eclectic
and Dawn show body parts. We move on to Dawn doing
things one should not do with animals. I find out
Sam was over at Susies blog doing God know's what.
We move on to singing about animals. OY VEY

I think I need a drink.

Yes, it is. You did a good job at connecting the dots, and following the evening and summing it up!

Old Mcdonald had a farm, eieio.
And on his farm he had a cow, eieio.
With a mooo moooo here and a moooo moooo there...

I don't know any jokes, so I'm just saying hi!!

Why did the Turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station!
Figured I should give you some kindergarten humor after cursing in my first joke!

Many prayers . . . .

I hope you're getting some rest Deb. I'm headin' off to dream land now.
I'll see you in the morning!

Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

hey I'm not leaving a joke today but I did send you the "OBGYN answering machine" mp3 a couple days ago.. don't know if you got it.. it takes a while to download (especially on hospital dial up) but it is WELL worth it! I promise! just ask miss glenn close!
btw.. don't be afraid of the morphine pump.. if it's the same kind I had, you only click it if you need it.. (course I had people clickin it even when I was asleep:) It will help, and it won't be for long:)
peace,
biscuit

oh and if anyone else would like to hear this GEM.. hit my blog and send me an email.. I'll be happy to send it along.. just don't drink anything while listening.. not responsible for damaged keyboards!

Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

Instead of jokes, I have actual courtroom testimory...

"ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?"

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

More testimony...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8 0 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

It's not the best joke, but it's the only one I can remember.

Dad: Son, do you know why the sky is blue?

Son: Because if it were green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

thaaaaats all folks!

I don't know if you're up for the Neuroblastoma kids' blogs, (so very many die as their cancer is rarely (haven't read a case yet) found before it is stage 4) but many of them have stem cell transplants. They all get those same horrid mouth sores and end up on morophine pumps also. I don't know if it helps to read of others going through the same thing or not...

I know you're being taken care of; feel the love. It comes from everyone. (even the cows, the sheeps and the pigs. that was had me rolling!)

Last one, I promise!

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

We've all had bad first dates -- but here's one that
takes the cake.

On the "Tonight Show," Jay Leno went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that
a woman ever had. When this woman described her worst
first date experience, there was absolutely no
question that her tale took the prize!

It was midwinter, she said, snowing and quite cold,
and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains
outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip -- no over-nighting. After all,
they were strangers and had never met before this
date.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful --
until they were headed home late that afternoon. As
they drove back down the mountain, she began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were in the middle of nowhere -- at least an
hour away from anywhere with a restroom. Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did
for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point when she told him that he
had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it
would have to be the front seat of his car.

So he stopped and she leaped out beside the
car, yanked her pants down, and started. In the deep
snow she couldn't get a good footing,

So she let her butt rest against the rear fender to
steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side
of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real
gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she
felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation! Upon finishing, however, she soon
became aware of another sensation. As she bent to
pull up her
pants,

She discovered that her buttocks had become firmly
glued to the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen
to pump handles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that due to the extreme cold,
she now had a whole new problem.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the
humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerned
question about "What's taking so long?"

With a reply that she was, indeed, freezing her butt
off and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover
herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles, and when they finally
managed to compose themselves, they assessed her
situation.

Obviously, no matter how hysterical it might be,
they were facing a real dilemma. Both agreed it would
take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized
that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date
proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
fender.

The audience screamed with laughter, and she took
the Tonight Show prize hands down -- or perhaps that
should be "pants down."

Jay Leno's comment: "This gives a whole new
meaning to being "pissed off".

Well my dear, I am one of those people who can never remember jokes. But I wanted to wish you well 'cause Susie sent me over and I just really really want you to get well.

Why did the frozen foods section at the grocery store, staring at the orange juice?

It said concentrate.

Why was the blond excited when she put the puzzle together in 4 hours?

It said 5-7 years.

I must agree - the morphine is your friend. I'm thinking of you, and whenever you are up for it let me know and I'll come to hang out with you.

Your story made me laugh so hard I forgot any joke I might have known except for the first "dirty" joke I ever heard; it was about the plastic surgeon who "hung" himself...

Thank you for making me laugh 'til I cried!

alan

Hi! :)

Hi. I have a joke but I will have to come back to post.

I'm late to the joke party, but here's a couple simple, clean, child-safe ones...

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

* * *

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Where's my tractor?

* * *

Thinking of you, dear. Hugs.

This one will make Debu laugh the mostest.

A kindergarten class is going through math instruction. One little boy is fidgeting around, not really listening.

All of a sudden, he interrupts the lesson and says: "Hey everyone, listen to this....."

And then he lets loose a pass-out inducing, ear shattering fart.

All the kids laugh.

And then the little boy's mom receives a call from the teacher about his recent potty talk.

Oh wait, that is not a joke, that is Based on a True Story.

The End.