debutaunt.com

Hey, hang in there. It is so difficult to know just what to say to you, I have been following you through this journey and this is the lowest I have seen you. You are Zoe's mum, you will stay Zoe's mum and be around for many more years to come.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Big, big loves

Anna xxxx

Just vent. Sometimes all you can do is gut things through. It sucks right now. There is nothing I can say certainly to make you feel better because I've never been through your misery.
Just know we're all hangin' with you.
If you have the strength throw something or break something.

I've been following your journey and praying for you along the way. Please know that you have a whole bunch of folks sending you all kinds of good thoughts and prayers.

BUT, continue to cry those tears because, YES, this sucks! AND, this too, is part of your healing.

So, cry and cry until you think you can't cry any more. Then you'll be able to pick yourself up and be UMA again and kick some A#@!!

May this time fly by; May Zoey be happy again; and May you have a future filled with love, joy and HEALTH.

So so so little anyone can do to reach out and hold you and give you your hearts desire. But I know that is what we all wish for you. But not even our wishes are as strong or heart-felt as those you've expressed here. Again, we see how very brave you are. And how precious this blog is because you are willing to include us in your deep pain. And we will rejoice with you too, when the rejoicing comes.

One thought, is there no way possible that you can be like - wheeled into an isolation unit where you and Zoe can "touch" each other through glass? Couldn't they prep her as you do a surgeon and then even still keep her on the other side of a glass window. It would be so cool if she could just see and even kiss you though glass. Living as I do out here in Africa, I have no idea what the set-up is there. But it seems to me like that could be possible?

happy birthday zoe.

oh, deb, this does suck. in a million different ways. i order you not to worry about work right now, that's way too far off to expend energy on. that you're so stressed out about zoe means you're a good mom, as much as everything sucks right now. zoe will pull through, you will pull through in your ass-kicking way.

go ahead and cry all you want and get it out. in with the good air, out with the bad.

sending you hugs.
kristin

I am a lurker here... sent by Susie months ago.
I pray for you every day, and I don't really believe in god, but I believe in something, so I pray.

I know sister #2 has a webcam. Can you get one for your room? So Zoe can see you too sometimes? Or would that be harder on her?

Hugs, and good thoughts being sent your way
A L W A Y S

Physical pain is nothing compared to heart pain. That is the lowest of the low. But it's not forever. You will get through this and see your Zoe again, and hug her and kiss her. She is there for you, and you are there for her, even if you do not see each other.

I know my words can't take away the pain. Instead, you have my thoughts and prayers, added to everyone else's, and I hope it makes some small difference to you.

having a crap day and missing Zoe so much it hurts is PART of doing this.
you should give yourself an assignment for today -
you should give yourself permission to be sad.
be sad all day -
and then tomorrow, move on.
you know that expression -
let go, move on?
well, today can be sad, tomorrow can be let go and tuesday can be MOVE ON.
(but I am lenient. so you can have +or- 24 hours.)

Deb..hang in there! I have cancer and I know all to well not being able to have your kids there. I had to send 2 of mine to be with Dad because I cant care for them right now. I just told them that my body needs time to heal and I would just want to be up playing with them and I wouldnt be healing. That, they understood. Keep the faith.

I'm so sorry, Deb. This is incredibly difficult. As a mom, I can imagine how missing Zoe must be the most intolerable part of this whole agonizing process, and my heart just aches. Yes, you can do this and you ARE doing it, but it's okay to resent having to. Vent all you need, we don't mind -- in fact we encourage it. Dump all of the discouragement here, we'll strain it, dilute it so you don't have to deal with it anymore. Then you only have to keep doing what you're doing: getting well and going home to Zoe, each day one step closer. love,
the Duchess

This does suck. It is good to just tell it like it is. It sucks and it's not right to not be able to kiss your baby on her birthday. And you won't get this birthday back. And it is one birthday out of . . . . 100, for her. I know neither of you will forget this one. But I also know you will make it your business to make the memory of this one pale in comparison to the joyful memories of the ones yet to come. I don't really curse much IRL, but I could sure string together a few right now, regarding joining you in acknowledging how very much this deal sucks. Just feel what you feel, and tell us about it if you want to. And I also want to say how good it is that Zoe is in a place and with people where she can feel what she feels. Where she doesn't have to pretend to be happy, if she's not entirely happy, even at her own party. This is a good thing.

You can do all things through Him who strengthens you. Crying when it's time to cry is included in "all things."

With love and prayers,
Susie

Your post today makes my heart ache. But I'm glad you're getting these feelings out--this whole thing sucks.

I don't comment here often, but check in on you every day. I've been praying for you--hang in there, Deb!

I pray for you and your family daily. Low points like this are probably quite normal. Heck I get depressed for no good reason. I think venting is good. We don't mind a bit. I just wish I could make it all better for you.

Keep on keeping on. You CAN do this!

Queen of the Universe, Duchess of Delft, Madame
Morphine of Madrid, Mother of Zoe.

This is all really fercklockt (and we know what
that means in Yiddish). You have every right to
be pissed, cry, scream, rant, and holler. It's not
fair, and "why me". When you think about all the
folks who really are just big old asshats. Why not
them.

I will tell you a secret on your blog. Now the whole blog world will know. I cry for you sometimes myself. I boo-hoo because I sorta know
what you are going through. I wish I had a
magic wand, where I go say "poof" to cancer.
You would be with Zoe again, and life would be
good. I think it's good that you spill the beans
here on how you feel. Why hold all that inside.

We are here, and we will catch all those feelings.
Maybe just maybe we can make things better for
you.

I sure hope you know how much we love you Queen.
Ya know Sarah is watching over you. She won't
screw this up, I know we can count on her.

I am blowing you a big kiss, and a huge hug.
We love you little MISSIE.

Shoshie
The OFFICIAL YIDDISH YODA MASTER

Yeah, you let it all out here if you can. And
nothing as you said could suck ass more.

OY VEY-The yiddish girl forgot something. Your
family rocks, and god bless them all. Sis #2 I bet
you had an awesome party for Zoe. You girls are
the best.

Love,
Shoshie

Well, Happy Birthday to your baby!

I am so sorry for your shitty day. I'm sure that being away from Zoe is worse than the puking, and the drugs, and being high all the time. When you guys get back together, you will have to have a big, private party - just the two of you.

((((HUGS))))

You are still her Mom and when this is over you will get to be her Mom for a long, long time. Through the rest of school, college, marriage, kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. Yes it sucks right now, she's miserable, you're miserable, both of your hearts are breaking and it seems impossible that anything could be so hard or take so long. But when you get to go home to her, healthy, cancer-free and looking forward to the rest of your lives; when you watch her graduate, when you watch her walk down the aisle for her wedding, when you hold your first grandchild; then it will seem so wonderful it will make up for this hell you are going through now...

alan

A birthday would be rough. It's understandable that you're upset. Still, you can do this.

I'm so sorry that you have been in isolation for one flippen month and your baby's birthday is tomorrow.
I wish the doc's or hosp policy could look the other way or better yet don't ask and have one of your sisters sneak her up stairs with a mask and gloves or just have her wash her hands in your room. Pull the shade, lock the door and hug your baby until they pry her out of your arms. If I worked there is would help you smuggle her in. Who would know the diff, its a cancer ward EVERYONE is wearing masks.
I hope someone can come up with someway to get you two together. What a present that would be.
Try to work on it, any one seeing you so low can't say no. Its not different than the "cleaning" people who go from room to room and who knows if they follow "isolation" protocoll (i'm not belitteing the cleaning crew" but they are not paid very much and they work there ass's off so to save time they might cut corners.
I hope my wish for you comes true.
Prays and hugs
Nancy

Deb,
You are in the midst of the biggest challenge
in your life. Most people never face what you
are facing. Indeed it is horrible, sad, and all
of our hearts cry for you. You will win, and you and Zoe will grow together. But know it's OK to voice your sadness and despair. All Queen's cry, and today in your kingdom we will dry your tears.

Love,
Nikki

A big happy birthday to Zoe.

Get it out. Do what you need to. Scream on here to all of us, we will listen. Its ok. What you are going through is horrible. It just is. When your kids hurt, it hurts you so much more. Being where she can let out her feelings and be safe is such a wonderful blessing. Zoe dosent have to keep it in, and hurt her more. Its very good.
You dont need to keep it in. No matter how many shitty days you have have, let it out. The good days are coming. Each step forward is wonderful.

Cry. Its good to cry. Cleansing release of all the feelings and hurts will only help.
You are Zoe's mom. Forever and always.

So many are still praying for you and WILL NOT STOP. There is no stopping. Whether its a good day or a suck ass day, you are still kickin' ass.

Love,
Dawn

Just try to think of it as a little time away from her now, so you can spend a lifetime loving her after this is done.

I wish I could say it will get easier and that missing her will be easier to deal with, but all moms know that is a lie. She knows you love her, just hold on to that thought, no matter what she knows knows knows her mom loves her, I had my mom every day and never knew that. That gives her a special advantage right there. She is a lucky little girl and you can do this so that you two will be together for years and years and years to come.

Rest and be well, it will happen.

Today does just suck ass, but you can/will do this.

Zoe: Someday your Mom will make all this up to you. I promise.
Hoss.

You are doing this! Right now, today. By tomorrow, you will be another step further away from this suck-ass day, and another step closer to home. You are strong enough, and so is Zoe.

Your situation sucks in so many ways. I am sorry today is so sad. What a hard day to get through. I am so glad you have this blog to vent on. Do what you can to get through the day. I say it isn't always pretty but getting through is what counts. I hope tomorrow is better. Please take care.

Try to think of how far you have come and overcome. When you do get to be with Zoe, it will be that much sweeter because of everything you had to go thru. Just keep getting better and kick some butt.

Frothmistress said I had to come make you laugh so uhhhh, here it is...
The last operation I had, I went to the hospital a day early to pre-register and get all that crap out of the way so that when I came in the next day things would go smooothly. Or so I thought...
The next day my sister took me to check in and the lady at the desk looked really confused. She said that I was at the wrong hospital. I said, "Nooooo, I pre-registered here yesterday." She asked my name again and then laughed and told me that my name was one letter off from some lady who was getting a BREAST REDUCTION! Dear God!! I won't even go into the card my sister got me after that little scenario. Well I hope that made you laugh, it sure made my sister laugh.

Deb, I'm so sorry that you and Zoe are seperated. I can't even imagine what it must be like. You are in my continued prayers.

If it helps in any small way, you have made me appreciate even more having my kids around me all the time. Because of you, I will be a little more patient, funnier, less quick to get angry and much more likely to hug and kiss them mercilessly.
My six year old likes to kiss her palm and place her kiss in my heart by placing her palm on my chest. I then do the same to her. I tell her that way, we always have the others love in our hearts. I know that you and Zoe have that love in your hearts too.

You are doing this. You will live a long happy life with Zoe.

Susan

"I don't know why I'm so upset today."

You give yourself a mighty high bar to leap over, missy. Of COURSE you can do this, and you WILL, but you're still human in the meantime. It's okay to admit you're sad, upset, frustrated...can't shake it off it you can't put your finger on it. (I have absolutely no idea what that meant, but humor me...)

Lots of people are channeling love at you...we triangulate at dusk. :)

I don't get it. Sometimes the best medicine is the human touch and knowing how much you and Zoe both need each other the docs should be able to do something. They should be able to gown and mask her up and let her see and hug her mamma. Even a closed circuit tv would be better than nothing. You need to be persistent and tell them that your mental health plays a big part in you making it through this and right now you need ZOE!!! Do it Deb, make them find a way to let you see, touch, and smell your child.
love you
deb

God bless you and your little girl as you both go through this stuggle and separation. I am praying that He will guide and protect you, that your body will heal and grow stronger...and that finally you will be reunited with your beautiful daughter.

Deb,
I will be miles away from you, but distance never
seperates you from love. You will be a champion,
and I will be in touch. You tell Monkey Boy I am,
and will always be available to him. I don't
leave for two weeks. I will always know how you
are doing, seeing your progress, and waiting for
the day you are "cancer-free". I know those two
magic words will come to you. Why do I know that?
You know why, I have a hot line to God and Sarah.
They are going to see you through the finish line.

You can't get rid of me ever. Remember you
crave candy.

Love,
Nikki

Just let it all out. Tomorrow will be a better day...and the next even better and so on! You CAN do this...you CAN do this!
Love and prayers,
Teresa

xoxoxoxo

for you and zoe

xoxoxox

Been reading a while, just not replying...
Just wanted you to know that I was here, am here.
I'm so sorry Zoe had a hard day.

Sorry too that you are having your own hard day.
I have seen you as amazingly strong.
Even if you have a bad day emotionally,
that doesn't take away from how strong you are.
I do hope today is better for you both.

Deb,

I can't imagine the fatigue or the physicial and emotional pain you have right now. I can sense your frustration and frankly I'd wondered how you could keep it to gether for as long as you had until now....but Susie and Dawn are right...you deserve a good cry or two. You need it. Cry the poison right out of you. Let all of that bad stuff go with it.

And when you're done...back on the horse. Zoe may be down now. But in a few years when she is older you'll both look back on just how tough this birthday was and she'll see just how much her mom endured to be her mom. And it will bind you together even more.

Hang in there...you have lots of prayers coming your way.

It's Monday, sweetie... any better today?

Want some peanut butter kisses?

CK's handing out peanutbutter kisses? Hey, CK, over here!! Oh, those are for Deb. OK. *sigh* Anybody want anything? I'm going down to the vending machine...

Oh Deb! Some days just suck ass. I'm so sorry. You're entitled to be sad. This journey will have it's peaks and valleys. I'm soaking the Kleenex for you this morning because I have kids and your words, your desire to "fix" this for Zoe and go home are so real and understandable. We're all here praying for you every day. Imagine giving part of your burden to each of us. We'll take it in our hands and off your chest and pray for you. There's a lot of voices here. We will be heard. You can do this.

Thinking of you today and hoping you're feeling some better.

Deb,
You're one day closer to the day when you will once again be in charge of your life. A lot of uncertainty...sure. But aren't the questions that you are asking now a whole lot better than the ones you had a month ago?

How about a bad joke to start the day?

A man fears that his wife is losing her hearing, but is too proud to go to a doctor to have it checked out. So he decides to conduct a little test to see how bad it's gotten. While she is in the kitchen, he goes to the dining room and asks her in a conversational tone what's for dinner. Getting no response, he moves a little closer and asks again. Same result. He moves to the kitchen door and asks again. Silence. Finally, he walks up behind her and asks again. Exasperated, his wife turns around, gives him a dirty look and says, "Dammit Earl, for the fourth time, we're having chicken."

Hang in there kid. Never forget that you are doing something extraordinary.

Oh Deb my heart is hurting for you and I have tears streaming down my face - "I have a rule that no one cries alone" (Steel Magnolias). I think its good that you are getting it all out though - cry all you want, vent to us Internets, we love you and wish so badly that we could bring you and Zoe together. I'm praying that somehow you get to see each other soon and that you continue to kick cancers ass.
Hugs

Deb,

Never give up! I know you can do this. I know that you are willing to do anything and stand anything in order for you to get better so that you can be healthy and be with zoe for the rest of you life. I know you can !!! I want you to say to yourself I AM ZOE'S MOM AND I WILL BEAT THIS BECAUSE NOTHING WILL KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY DAUGTHER ZOE!!!

I know you can do it because me being a mother of two i know i would do anything to be with my kids.

XOXO,

Loryss

You CAN do this! You only need the faith of a mustard seed and you have that. I can see by your postings.

I have gone through the same things. I will be 5 years Post Transplant on March 29th. We can be Transplant sistas. Don't worry about your job, don't worry about money. HE will work it out for you.

You're main concern is staying positive and staying well. The homecoming to Zoe will be worth every effort you make to stay positive. Her next birthday will be doubly great. You can have a half birthday. or a 3/4 birthday or just another one when you get home. How many kids get two birthday parties in one year? She'll love it, you'll look forward to it and this will all be worth it.

Keep your chin up, "NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT". "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Please pray for healing and recovery. Lord be with Deb, she needs you arms of comfort and healing. You are the Great Physician you know her needs. Please be with Zoe,Father, and the family to guide a protect all that they do. You are the way the truth and the light, please give comfort in the time of need. In Christ's name I pray. Amen.

Lee Ann

You can do this. And remeber we are here to help - that includes listening.