I'm sobbing.
I'm aching right now.
Amanda's dear husband, Eric, lost his battle with cancer. Motherfucking cancer. I hate it.
Back in February, she wrote this. It made me sob as much as I am right now.
an open letter to my husbandDear Eric:
Today is the one-year anniversary of the diagnosis of your relapse. I face this grim reminder with many conflicting emotions: the carefree beach-bumming of our first ten months of marriage lies in starkest contrast with everything that happened after that fateful day. Sometimes, it seems like a day spent without discussing doctors, prescriptions, or treatment is so far away that it must only exist in my distant memory. The rituals of maintaining the medicine cabinet and driving to various clinics have replaced the lazy mornings of pancakes and pajamas until noon. Although you have survived 80+ spinal taps, 10 months of different forms of chemo, and a bone marrow transplant methodology (non-matched donor) that has only been in use for four years, I know that your biggest concern is the effect that leukemia will have on your family's future. You worry about the financial impact of not being to work on top of the added expense of doctor's copays. The fact that we had to relocate for your treatment has weighed heavy on your mind. Even though you had hidden behind the "kids are annoying and expensive" guise, I know that you were heartbroken when we found out that we would not have the option of making a small, perfect human being together.
You once asked me if I would do it all again. In spite of everything, dear, the answer is yes; because all of it happened with YOU. You are greater than the sum of your parts. The love in your heart far outweighed the effects of your faulty bone marrow; the beauty of your soul shone through even when you were bald and bloated from the chemotherapy. I used to think that strength was being independent and influential to others; you have taught me that this quality instead is a result of the kindness that one shows to their fellow beings. You have shown me that bravery is being fearless in the face of the most unlikely of odds. Eric, you are greater than any disease that could be thrown our way. You WILL beat this.
I love you and can't wait to see what the next year brings in our life together.
Yours,
Amanda
Amanda and Eric's bravery stunned me. To read about his death tonight angers and saddens me. She and her husband - such a young couple. This disease sucks. It's hideous. Fuck you, cancer. I will fight it with everything I have. For people like Sarah, and Eric and Clem and Amanda. For my Zoe and my loved ones. Fuck you, cancer. I am going to beat your fucking ass.
I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!
I hope that you all can open your hearts and find your way over to her blog to encourage Amanda and her voice. She was always such a source of encouragement and support to me. Her love for her husband was so inspirational.
My heart goes out to that lovely woman.
RIP Eric.
Posted by debutaunt at March 21, 2006 11:14 PMYou are going to kick its ass.
Posted by: D at March 21, 2006 11:42 PMNow you have to kick cancers fucken ass.
I'm sorry for the Shaffer family. Cancer Sucks the big one. it doesn’t discriminate any race, color or creed, it just SUCKS.
But you have to remember there are good stories out there and I know your are going to be of the good ones. Your little girl is counting on you. She is so adorable and the pink poodle she made for you is a treasure.
I hope your day gets better
Nancy
Dear Queen,
My heart breaks for Amanda and her family. I know the ugly side of cancer. BUT as hard as it
is for you today. I want you to remember that
you have a sibling donor. You are doing well, and
you will be in the "I BEAT CANCER COLUMN". People
do beat this ugly disease, and I know you are going to be the one.
Your assignment today from me. I want you to
know and feel that you are going to be in the
winners circle. Remember you have a special
angel "Sarah". She has a job, and she is NOT
going to fail. I wish I could hug you, and let
you know I really do know you will survive. I
know you have to be devastated by this news.
But you know in your heart if you look really
hard, you have special powers. You are the QUEEN.
Love,
Nikki
cancer is the absolute worst.
but you WILL beat it. you have no choice.
xoxo
Posted by: clandestine at March 22, 2006 08:10 AMCancer is no match for your well-honed ninja skills and your IN YO' FACE mojo.
Oh, man. I just went back and looked at your Bizarro office objects archive. That shit is crackin' me UP! Wish I'd known when I still had an office - I could have sent you a new bizarre picture from my desk every day. *hugs*
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes at March 22, 2006 08:25 AMAw, Deb. What a sucker punch. Thanks for posting Amanda's letter even though it was hard to read through tears.
Get mad, get whatever it takes to kick ass. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are already doing this.
KICK ASS!!!!!
Posted by: sally at March 22, 2006 08:40 AMThe Yiddish Yoda Master says this cancer shit
is just fercockt. (fucked for those who want the
yiddish word) This sucks the big one.
But girlfriend you are going to kick cancers ass.
You have a gazillion people counting on you.
As Nikki said you are the QUEEN. I wish you
were closer I would give you a bajillion hugs
today.
That letter sheeba broke my heart, and my heart
has been broken a million times.
You rule, and cancer sucks.
Love,
Shoshie
Kick Cancer's Fucking Ass, Deb. Do it for all of us.
Posted by: CircusKelli at March 22, 2006 09:14 AMDeb, there has never been a doubt in my mind that you will beat cancer's ass. You are well on your way. Beat it for Zoe, beat it for your dear friends who suffered.
Kick it's ass!
Posted by: Laura at March 22, 2006 09:51 AMI was heartbroken and angry when I read of Eric's passing. So angry. Heartbroken for Amanda.
My hubby had the same type of leukemia as Eric. He was also told by doctors that he wouldn't be able to have children, make a family. Today, we are blessed with not one, but two beautiful, healthy children. Yes, cancer can be beat, and the taste of it can be oh so sweet!
Yes, you will beat it, I don't have a doubt!
Thanks for posting that beautiful letter, Deb. Thanks for holding their voice up, so we and others may hear it, out loud.
Posted by: zee at March 22, 2006 10:04 AMfuck cancer. it sucks great big fat donkey balls. i will hate your cancer as hard as i can so it implodes and disappears leaving you healthy and pink-cheeked and zoe-fied. that fucking cancer is no match for you, the Queen, and it knows it. it's packing its bags already. you're doing this and you can keep doing this.
Posted by: moxiemomma at March 22, 2006 10:07 AMI am so TERRIBLY sorry to hear about Eric.
You WILL kick cancer's ass though - you are already doing so.
I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better and I hope you get sprung out of that place SOON!
I've been reading your blog for about a month now. I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your life with me, you help me realize that life is a blessing and seeing your real struggle with missing your daughter, relocating, depending on your family, reaching out for support, desiring water to taste like water, etc... it all makes my daily quables seem so small. How many times have I complained about having to do the daily have-tos of mothering three children? Way too many times. You make me thankful for each day, each experience. I pray for you daily, Deb. Your words are a gift. Beat cancer!
Posted by: Miah at March 22, 2006 10:17 AMYou're going to kick it for Zoe. You're going to kick it for Eric, too. And you're going to kick it for all of us who have come to know and love your awesome ninja ways.
Posted by: Keri at March 22, 2006 10:32 AMDeb,
I am so glad that you might be out this friday. I have to tell you that bear is as beautiful as zoe and you. Don't forget "Never give up" you are strong and you can do it.
xoxo,
Loryss
Posted by: Loryss at March 22, 2006 11:41 AMI have come across your blog a few times...
I wish you well on your journey to kicking cancer's f'ing ass. It can be done, and it will be done.
You have so many people on your side, how can it not?
Posted by: Marisa at March 22, 2006 11:51 AMAll I can say is I love you, Deb.
Trish
Ass kickin' goin on up in here! Not only can you do it, you ARE doing it.
Love,
Dawn
Deb,
I'm so SORRY to hear about Eric and his family. My heart aches for them. But YOU must remember one thing. YOU have a DONOR MATCH!! You are doing great. My goodness, do you think for a moment that the docs would tell you to plan discharge for Friday or let you sneak down and see Zoe if you weren't doing great? I think NOT!! Now focus on that beautiful daughter of yours and kick some bodacious bootie!! Your PEEPS are all behind you. Don't make this Carolina girl fly down there and dish out some whupins!! Come on DEBUMA, KICK ASS!!!! Yeee haaawww!!!
(I think I pulled something on that one)
Cami
Posted by: Cami at March 22, 2006 01:18 PM*super tight hug*
Deb, I log on everyday to pray for you and every night for a month, my four year old, Gracie and I pray for Zoe. Gracie sends her love and prayers to her. Just know, you are going to beat this. We love you.
Posted by: Benita at March 22, 2006 03:10 PMDeb,
I think this is the 3rd time I read your entry
today. I cry, and I think I can write, and then
I can't. I don't know Amanda and Eric, but I met
lots of people like the "Amandas and Eric's" when
Sarah was in the hospital. None of us know why
some people make it, and others don't.
I will pray for Amanda's and Eric's family. I feel
so bad for them, so young, and his life is just
sucked away.
I do know like you know. People do survive.
I know that, and you know that. I want you
to pretend you are like Dorothy in the Wizard
of Oz. You have ruby slippers, you keep clicking
the heels, and say "no place like home".
You know all the sister believe you will beat
your disease. I know you believe you will beat
cancer. You have to believe, you have a big
task. You have Zoe who is counting on you, your
family, your boyfriend, and all the SWLF crew.
I know this is hard Deb, but you can do this,
you have us. My family prays for you each and
every day. We know you will beat your disease.
Today Deb I am sad for Amanda, and Sarah, but
I am also counting on you. I am going to eat
a Reese Cup in a minute, and tell Sarah, not
to blink an eye on her watch of you.
I love you Queen,
Lisabeth
Deb, I too have not had the words today. Each time I click over here I am too overwhelmed to say anything at all. But I don't want you to think I don't care, or that I haven't visited, so I want to say something, anything to let you know that you are very present in my thoughts today. I cannot imagine Amanda and Eric experiencing this so young, and I cannot imagine what a gut punch the situation is for you, either. But I am counting on -- hear me, COUNTING ON -- you settling the score with cancer for Eric, and Sarah. You are on track to win this thing. You ARE. And you will. And Sarah and Eric will high-five each other when you do. Now you have TWO angels watching over you. That's what I believe, anyway. Hugs to you, and to Amanda. I'm heading over to give her one right now.
Posted by: eclectic at March 22, 2006 06:49 PMDeb,
My Mom kicked cancers ass not once but TWICE. She had breast cancer and a mastectomy in 1974 and then it came back and she had the other breast removed in 1992 and she has a bone scan every year and has been cancer-free. She also had radiation and took tamoxifin for a long time. My point is Cancer CAN be beaten. You will be one of the few, the elite. You Go Girl!
Queen,
I came back to tell you one more time. We will
all help you kick cancer's ass. You can do this,
you are royalty, and you crave candy. Sarah is
watching over you. As Eclectic said, you now have
two angels. Angels work well in pairs. I don't know
Eric, but I bet Sarah is going to find him.
Queens fight the battle, they have no choice cuz
they have a big kingdom to rule. And all of us
are in your kingdom-and you know I need supervision. I am not allowed to run around unless
I have a Queen, and that is you.
Love,
Shoshie
The Yiddish Yoda Master
That is so sad. I'm sorry for your and Amanda's loss. With your attitude I know you're going to kick cancer's ass!
Posted by: Squirl at March 22, 2006 07:49 PMDeb,
Reading this makes me ill. I am heartbroken
for Amanda and her family. I hate this for
everybody. Please continue fighting for you,
Zoe, your family. We know you are going to
beat this. We know you can do this, and we
know Sarah has your back.
XOXO
Rachel
I really want to cross-stitch the "Fuck Cancer" picture for you from Subversive Cross-Stitch. I worry though that you couldn't really hang it in your house with Zoe around.
Cancer is a bitch. My heart aches for you and all you are having to deal with right now.
Posted by: Christine at March 23, 2006 01:23 AMKill it. DEVOUR IT. CONSUME IT. Fuck you, Cancer.
Posted by: Ryan at May 6, 2006 01:34 AM