March 30, 2006
She's Right
A good deb friend: "Deb, when are you ever going to be grateful?"
She's right.
I was reading Oprah's magazine. She is like the all powerful - like the Wizard in Oz..
In this last issue of her magazine, she went to Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor, humanitarian, Nobel Peace Prize winner. (see.. only Oprah could pull that off on her birthday).
But what she said has really stood in my brain since I read it.
This year my fervent prayer is to be a channel for the deepest spiritual essence of my life. To know for sure that there are no ordinary moments. That to be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know.
To be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know.
I had to be reminded of that. I have to be reminded of that. I am reminded of that. And I will try every day for the rest of my life to never ever forget it. I am grateful to be alive. I cannot ever forget that.
I have gone through an amazing medical procedure. I am lucky that this medical miracle could be performed. I am lucky that I have the love and support of my family and friends. I am lucky to live in Houston and live near the med center. I am lucky that hundreds of strangers and friends donated money to help pay part of my expenses. I am lucky that strangers took time out of their day so that I could get the blood products I needed when I need them. I am lucky and amazed that one of my siblings matched me 100%. I could go on. Yet I haven't been lately. I haven't been for a while now.
I've been wallowing. I've been focused on how crappy I have been feeling and the long road ahead of me. I've been sad and let that sadness overwhelm me. I am letting the pain and sleeplessness and frustration impede my goals.
I need to get better. I have the most lovely, wonderful, sweet, amazing child. I know that everyone says their kids are special. But there really is something otherworldly about my Zoe. When she is near me, she amazes me. She is so careful and loving. I adore that child. She is truly my reason for living. She is the reason I need to push through this pain and get to the other side. She is the reason to wake up and hurt and still move. I miss her every minute of every day.
She needs me, but not as much as I need her. I need that child.
I am glad to be alive. Yes, there are things in my life I wish I could change. I want to be married. I want to be loved. I want to just be with a normal man who adores me and with whom I could build a life with.
But I don't have that. And I can't think about that any more. I want to think about it. I want that with every fiber of my being, but I just need to focus on the now. Focus on what I need to do.
I can't worry about my job (or maybe lack thereof), or my finances, or what I will be doing soon after all of these appointments end - when my 100 days are up. I have to have a solitary focus, which is to get better. I must. I must. God will have to sort the rest. I can't worry about it - because it's not like worrying will change anything, just as much as wanting to be married will make it so.
And I must never forget that I'm so lucky to be alive. I feel stupid for forgetting that and being ungrateful.
I love my daughter. It's not a choice, it's like breathing.
I can do this. I have made it this far.
Your assignment today is to reflect on what Ms. Oprah has laid out for you. People have crappy days. People get tired of the rat race. Tired of mean bosses and traffic and rude people. The day-to-day ho hum of life.
But you have life. You have to make your life and be grateful for it. It's the only one you've got. So take care of yourself. Treat yourself well. And be grateful for that breath. For that cold snowy day. For the heat of the sun on your face. For the laughter of your child or the kiss of your spouse. For a drink out with a friend. Call your mom if you can. Or drink a good cup of tea. Work out. Make your body feel good.
I'm glad to be here today. I really am.
P.S. Meerkat, I love you.
Brush with greatness.
Today while sitting for my clinic, the most extraordinary looking woman passed by with the nurse, bypassing the check in station.
I was stunned. Former Texas Governor Ann Richards was in my clinic. I was the only one to recognize her. She has cancer and is being treated at MD Anderson.
I saw her a few times, and really wanted to say hello. I couldn't do it. Back in the day I worked on a conference for a famous Austinite, and she spoke at our conference. She was feisty and funny and I was a big fan. I went to school with her daughter and have always really liked her.
I was too shy to say anything to her. I really didn't want to bother her.
So when I was finished with my treatment today, I went to her room (next door to mine) and quietly knocked. She was in bed, under blankets and looked tired. But she was so beautiful still. I told her I was a St. Ed's grad and a big fan of hers. I briefly spoke of the conference and told her that I had worked for her friends. I wished her well with her treatment and she did to me also. She was so gracious. Then I thanked her and again wished her good luck.
I hope she kicks cancer's ass as well. She's strong and amazing and women like us need to kick ass and take names.
I never thought I'd be brave enough to say anything to her, but I am glad I did.
Go Ann go! I love you!
Posted by debutaunt at March 30, 2006 05:35 PMFabu post.
Did you know that Governor Richards made me an honorary Texan back when she was gov? I wrote her a letter asking her to make me one cuz I loved Texas so much, and she sent me back a signed certificate.
One of my favorite picture of her is when she was on the cover of Texas Monthly with a white fringey leather jacket sitting on a Harley.
The hospital is now over their quota of feisty womens. :)
Posted by: Sis#1 at March 30, 2006 08:17 PMQueen,
I cried when I read this-the book by Elie Weisel
is a must read. Oy if Sarah had read this post
she would be so eloquent and talk about our parents.
Me I cry. I am missing my parents and missing Nikki and she hasn't left yet.
You can so do this Deb.
The crying Yiddish Yoda Master
Shoshie your loyal subject
I learn something from you every day.
Posted by: blackbird at March 30, 2006 08:38 PMas always, love you Deb. Glad you're bouncing back a little. xo
ps i sent you some itunes today, but being me i screwed up the email addy, so i bet i'll get it straightened out tomorrow. ;)
Posted by: kristin at March 30, 2006 09:09 PMMy dear friend, the lesson of living that you have learned is one of the most beautiful and meaningful one any of us can achieve.
You have taught all of us so much about living and you have made me again remember my self-promise after recovery from cancer to "Live in the Moment". Yesterday is gone, tomorrow only a promise. It is today that counts.
Posted by: Maria at March 30, 2006 09:35 PMBeautiful.
Posted by: mrtl at March 31, 2006 12:19 AMJason is reading "Night" by Elie Weisel right now in school. It is an amazing book, and one that I can't even describe. Yes, you are right - we should all celebrate life.
I think it is fabu that you talked to Ann Richards. She rocks. And I agree with Sis #1, that shot of her in the white fringe jacket? Awesome. Showed just how strong and sassy of a woman she is, in a good way.
Keep up the fight sister. Good things are ahead in your future, just be patient. (I know, it is hard. Trust me, I know.)
Posted by: Christine at March 31, 2006 01:51 AMI'm glad your back too. Thank you for picking up your blog again, we were all very worried about you Yesterday I skipped down the hill at my local park while listening to The Monkees "I'm a Believer", after reading your daily message. Today I'm drawing Fairies and Elves. I'm greatful for my wonderful husband, my health, my little cat, my creative talent,the internet and meeting you :)
Posted by: lynne at March 31, 2006 02:44 AMDeb, I love you. You don't know me, and perhaps if I passed you in hallway, I wouldn't even realize that the spunky woman was you, but I love you. You are the primo exemplar of the human spirit with all of the extremes of joy, anger, courage, fear, sadness, and laughter that mere mortals can attain.
I don't know if you won that contest for "most inspirational blog," but you win my award for Most Inspirational Human Being. Hang in there. Keep kicking cancer's ass. You can do it. Do it not only for Zoe and your family, but for all the rest of us who love you, too.
P.S. Ann Richards is darn lucky to have you nearby as a role model.
Ohhh, this is why i hooked on your blog. You are such an inspiration. You are the best role model for your little girl(and the rest of us). She will grow up to have such a good attitude towards life and appreciate all the little things the world has to offer.
thanks for remining me to enjoy and to live in the moment.
Peace Prayers and Love
nancy
PS its OK to have a pity party, we all have to be witchy once in a while, but i am really glad you are feeling better. Welcome back Queen
now that's more like it! :)
xoxo
You can SO do this!
Posted by: clandestine at March 31, 2006 07:01 AM What a beautiful post... and there is beauty in just letting go (worry about job, finances, husband/men)and allowing God to carry the load.
You can... YOU ARE... doing this!!
Dear Queen,
Thank you for the beautiful words you left on
our site. I have no doubt that you appreciate
life, your daughter, your family, the world.
When you have gone through what you have medically
EVERYONE has doubt's. You right now have the
hardest job in the world. GETTING BETTER.
I have no doubts you will kick cancers ass.
You are an inspiration to the world. As I have
said you are "my poster child".
Just like Sarah is in your heart, I am taking
as I said a piece of your heart with me.
I never say good-bye because I will see you
WELL when I get back from my journey.
PLEASE keep your eye on those sister's.
I love you DEB.
Nikki
PS I am on the same page as yourself regarding
Oprah-she can really pluck my last nerve.
After the incident at Hermes this summer.
She went down in my book.
There's life (a noun), and then there's living (a verb). Which will you do today?
Posted by: AMG at March 31, 2006 07:40 AMDeb, I will do my best to live "To be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know."
Thank you so very very very much for the reminder.
I love you.
Posted by: CircusKelli at March 31, 2006 08:10 AMRight behind your note that the stem cell were engrafting, I think this is post that made me feel the best about your progress.
Open, focused, honest, upbeat but perhaps most significantly it was long. To me that's a great, great sign. I know this blog takes time and effort. To have poured as much into this one posting is a testament to your strength.
Keep it up and maybe one day I'll share with you my "Brush with greatness". Here's a hint Days of Our Lives, Marlena, small town Louisiana rodeo, and nachos.
Posted by: Patrick at March 31, 2006 08:18 AMJust a thought, that it may have nothing to do with "luck" and everything to do with "love".
Posted by: Kassi at March 31, 2006 08:20 AMOh Deb...how beautiful. I, too, have a love hate thing with Oprah. Good for you finding the good in her words. I adore the picture and have the card on my desk at work. It makes me smile and feel peaceful when I look at it. You are such a special soul my friend. You will do this and you will have just what you need. Sometimes when we want something so badly we forget that "sometimes god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." Yes, that's from a garth brooks song! teehee...the wisdom in those words is so deep though. My wish for you today is Peace. MWAH!
Posted by: Traci at March 31, 2006 08:34 AMThat Oprah gal, sometimes she really knows what she's talking about.
Deb, this post, for me, was so much more about being grateful about being alive. It's almost as if you've been to hell and back, and you left a little bit of that fear behind. You are fearless. That is what truly living your life is all about.
Thanks for the inspiration to do what I've been needing to do for weeks.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at March 31, 2006 08:53 AMExcellent post, Deb. I'm a cancer survivor too, and today is my birthday. You have perfectly summed up what I wish I could've written on my own blog. I know what you mean about being grateful every day and being thankful for having each of those days, but I could never say it as well as you did.
Thank you.
Posted by: Sharkey at March 31, 2006 09:22 AMI reread "Night" every couple of years. I say we all would do well to do that.
Go, Ann (I'm a huge admirer), and Go, Deb!
This is a very meaningful post. We all slip sometimes, on the gratitude thing. I try to have Thank You always be the words that are ready to spill from my lips. I don't always succeed, but I try. There really is ALWAYS something to say thank you for. I recently had some peepee troubles (minor, in the whole scheme of things), but I say "thank you" to God when I pee. Because, by gosh, I CAN PEE!!! How miraculous is that? There are miracles everywhere, all the time. Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement, Deb. And as much as you ARE the Queen, we all get that you're human too. Nothing to apologize for. We're all trying to get better at this life thing, each day.
And now, I see that the lovely Sharkey Malarkey is having a birfday. And that right there is something HUGE for which to be thankful :)
Posted by: Susie at March 31, 2006 09:37 AMPrayers, peace, hope & wishes of happiness for you and Zoe.
Posted by: cursingmama at March 31, 2006 09:46 AMThank you, Deb. Your inspiration is one of the things I'm grateful for. Even the bravery to post when you are feeling down, and let everyone know that you are human. I love the range of your writing. It makes me feel I have a connection with you. The one big one I have is that I too have a child who is the light of my life. This post was especially beautiful in describing your feelings for Zoe. You are both in my thoughts, as ever.
Posted by: Philosophical Karen at March 31, 2006 11:06 AMOMG, I'm late to this party! Deb's in the saddle again, kickin' ass and takin' names!! Woo-hoo!! And Shawkey's celebrating a birthday!! I'll have to head right over there next, but before I go, thank you Deb for being real, and for being alive.
Posted by: eclectic at March 31, 2006 11:16 AMI'm late to the party too! I'm so glad to see this!! I just adore you Deb. Go Deb Go!!
Posted by: lawbrat at March 31, 2006 11:40 AMHi Deb
I have worked in a childrens hospital for 26 years in radiology, I've been a MRI tech for the past 6 years.
I know the importance of BM Donors but i never registered. I thought about it hundreds of times but i never got around to doing it. Thanks to you and Nikki's life's path I registered today via he Caitlin Raymond International Registry here in Worcester Massachusetts. They are sending me a kit and all i have to do is a mouth swab.
I want to thank you both: Deb your for sharing your journal and Nikki's heartfelt story, you both have inspired me to register. Thanks.
Peace and Prayers
Nancy
When I relapsed, many people asked how they could help. I asked that those that could donate blood or platelets. If they donated in my name, it would help offset my costs. But also important, if I didn't need the blood products, someone else would benefit. I tried to stress how the Red Cross is always short on blood products. You know what? Over 30 people have donated. I am so very grateful for those who donate blood.
Before the leukemia, I used to donate blood, too.
And I'm thankful that I'm alive and have people who care about me.
Posted by: laurel at March 31, 2006 01:54 PMJust beautiful and oh so true.
Posted by: Nina at March 31, 2006 03:34 PMI read you often, even if I don't always post a comment. Your entry today was just so powerful, and hit so close to home to me, I had to tell you thank you. I have printed up your daily assignment, and put it on my computer as a reminder of what I need to be focusing on. Thank you, and bless you
Posted by: Crazy Lady at March 31, 2006 03:57 PMDeb,
I have been drawn to you. I knew th Leukemia was one thing - since I work for LLS. But the second is that I too am a Hilltoper. I am freaking out here. I have two degrees from our wonderful school. I would love to chat with you about school.
And last night LLS had a kickoff party for one of our evets. The honored patient had her stem cell transplant last year. She has a 6 year old. She is doing great. All I could think about was you.
Thank you so much for giving me something to think about. I really needed that today.
Missy
Posted by: Missy at March 31, 2006 04:30 PM