Ok, I have officially lost 40 pounds. This week alone, I have lost 16 pounds. It's the diet nobody wants.
But I want to keep the weight off. I like the difference in my face. I like seeing my collarbones and feeling my hip bones sticking out. The thinness of my thighs (sort of), and the angular lines where there weren't any before. I want to be strong though and healthy. Mostly strong.
I'm eating well, but what I eat just runs through me. The immodium works a bit, but I also have to take other meds for stomach cramps. It's a frustrating cycle, part of the graft vs. host in my stomach, but they prescribed a new drug today, so lets hope that helps out a bit.
It is making me weak. Mom has been pushing me in a wheelchair, but I did try to walk around some today. When I do walk, I totally shuffle like I'm an 80 year old man.
I start my physical therapy next week. I want to be strong again. I'm a muscle bound amazon, I can't have these wimpy thigh muscles. The rest of me feels pretty strong. I think my hands are good from months of typing, although I do have problems opening jars, but what's new.
I really wish I had something more interesting to type about than my gut issues. But that's about what I am dealing with.
I want Shoshie to come up next week. My parents are celebrating their 42nd anniversary on the 4th of April, and I need a babysitter so they can go out to dinner and a movie. I know Shosh needs distracting because our beloved Nikki is going to save little Cambodians for months on end. Although apparently it's going to be like in the mid 80's here. Bizarre.
I know that Sarah is right on top of me. Even though I felt icky today, one of the walks I went on was to the vending machine to get an ice cream drumstick. I figured for the first time in my life I am going to just eat what the hell I want to since I'm dropping so many bones.
I can do this. But I don't want to put any of this weight back on. If I'm stuck being miserable, at least I'm liking the way my bones are sticking out.
Your assignment today is to cherish your ability to eat. I can't imagine people who go through cancer and get sick all the time and just can't eat. Food tastes good. It nourishes you. It can make you sick if you eat too much, but when I'm able, I will be sure to eat so many fresh fruits and veggies for the rest of my life (they are off the debu_food list for a long while due to bacteria risks) I miss enjoying a meal. Not worrying about taking meds with it and what is going to do what to my stomach. I just can't wait to simply enjoy a meal.
So make something tasty tonight and totally savor it.
Posted by debutaunt at March 31, 2006 06:33 PMYay Queen Deb! I hope you are able to do and enjoy the physical therapy next week. And I do hope the new meds help with the gut issue. It makes me smile to picture you, fork poised, over the hugest, most delicious salad ever. It's just a matter of time, sweetie. For now, I vote that Shoshie must do the Queen's bidding. If she needs me to watch her kids, I'll be happy to oblige. Nikki did say I'm responsible for Shoshie while Nikki's gone, so... y'know... whatever it takes! Big (gentle) hugs to you, Deb! love,
~the Duchess of Delft
Deb, I'm glad you're enjoying the new look in spite of how you're arriving at it. Ice cream sounds good though! I'd even take your extra fluff if it would help you get past the GVHD. I'm known by the short people in my house as Mrs. FluffyBottom so I'm sure no one would notice if I carried your 'bags' for a bit. Maybe Mrs. Haversham and my alter-ego could chat it up over tea some night...lol!
I just snarfed down pizza, which is one of my favorite foods. Believe me, I do appreciate the pizza I can get here because I lived in Japan for over 3 years and that pizza ain't nothin' like ours! Try cuttlefish and corn with a whisper of pizza sauce sometime and see if it's different.
I think Shoshie ought to come running to accompany Mrs. Haversham in keeping an eye on you.
I'm so glad to see you're rallying. Keep doing it and soon the beaten carcass of cancer won't have a prayer!
Posted by: Bren=Cody'sMom at March 31, 2006 08:38 PMDebbie,
Shoshie went to New York City with Nikki. The sisters 3 of them decided to go at the last minute. She will be back late Sun. Nikki
leaves on her flight Sunday evening bound for Cambodia.
When I got home from work at 8:30 EST. I called Shoshie and told her you called the house. She should be calling you soon. I think she could come Tuesday afternoon.
Sam
Shoshie's husband.
Deb, I'm sorry about the tummy issues. Sounds terrible. I will send all my positive eating vibes your way. Isn't it amazing how much we take forgranted until we can't do it simply anymore? Thank you so much for the insights. Powerful stuff. Peace.
Posted by: Traci at March 31, 2006 09:20 PMWell, I cooked duck for dinner tonight. (From a local farm. I had some legs in the freezer.) The great thing was that my son, the very picky eater, actually said, "Mmm, can I have some?" He likes chicken, so I told him it was just like the dark meat and he didn't have a problem with that.
Hope you get to keep that new body shape you've got right now. And with physical therapy, you can be a lean, mean, muscle machine. Wow!
(P.S. We changed my son's cheer for you to the naked chicken dance. He still dances, every time he sees your blog on my screen.)
Posted by: Philosophical Karen at March 31, 2006 09:28 PMI am so glad to see you here again, and your spirit and attitude never cease to amaze me. I hope the new meds will ease all the stomach crud that's going on and you will be able to enjoy a meal very soon!
Thanks for giving me inspiration at a time when I really needed it. Keep on kicking cancer's ass...you can and will do it!
Posted by: Kay at March 31, 2006 11:38 PMI'd make something tasty, but it has to be microwavable. ;)
As for the weight loss, please don't overdo it. Wimpy thigh muscles can't skate.
Take care,
Mark
Posted by: Mark at April 1, 2006 08:06 AM*sigh* i think i love sam. his sweetness gives me goosebumps.
and deb, you keep doing that debu shuffle and your thighs will soon be as strong as oak trees, but thin, like mighty birch trees.
Posted by: moxiemomma at April 1, 2006 08:21 AMConsider it done. Yummy food. I'm actually cooking tonight, and Sunday night when my boys get home from their dads. My oldest wants NY Strip, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots sauteed onions, and I think thats it. So, he is going to have it. We dont usually get NY strip, so its a nice treat.
I cant wait until you can eat and have it stay in your body. You are going to get strong. You have a quality within you that wont let you quit. You ARE doing this- not you CAN do this. ARE! I am so proud of you my Queen. I love you Deb. I've never met you, yet I love you and admire you. Keep it up. Bad days? Its OK. We are here, i'm here, get it out, even if you just vent to someone near you- get the poison of icky out!! Dont keep it in. Anything you feel is ok.
Love,
Dawn
aka licker of the cows
aka lawbrat
aka another name that I forgot- sorry.
I have the million dollar Pillsbury chicken recipe in front of me. I will run off to the store to pick up what I need and then I will fix it in your honor and dedicate the meal to your brave spirit.
Posted by: Maria at April 1, 2006 12:22 PMHappy Saturday, Queen Deb! I had to write to tell you that my three year old told me he didn't need to wash his hands today, and when I asked him why, he said, "Because Queen Deb gived me a sinement." Hee hee -- apparently I use that phrase a lot around here, more than I even knew! Cracked me up, so I wanted to share it with you.
Posted by: eclectic at April 1, 2006 05:06 PMWell, I'm catching up over the past couple days, but I'm lucky to have already done the assignment. I found lasagne noodles for the unheard of price of $5.60 (mexican pesos) a box, where it normally is out of our price range at 20-30 pesos/box. So tonight we have lasagne (though using panela instead of ricotta is different). Oh, and pineapple upside-down cake for desert. Fresh pineapple from Tabasco, probably. That's where most all the pineapple plantations are.
In celebration of your ice-cream, maybe I'll take the kids out for paletas Michoacan style.
Posted by: kathy at April 1, 2006 07:03 PMI'm a big cycling fan, so if you don't want yet another Lance Armstrong story, skip this.
Lance's body changed dramatically after the cancer, because while battling the disease he planned for his post-chemo life (not sure you're ever post-cancer, are you?) It's wonderful to hear you thinking long term, which is the only way to live.
Posted by: hamel at April 2, 2006 11:23 AMCALL ME if you still need a babysitter. I am *so* there. I have a new vehicle, so I need an excuse to drive it all over town. :D
Posted by: Christine at April 3, 2006 04:24 AMOh, is your Yiddish Yoda Master coming? Then I can drive down and we can have a big party!!
;)
Posted by: Kami at April 3, 2006 05:43 AMUmmm, about that assignment...I enjoy too many meals or enjoy them way too much. But I resolve to savor more as I eat less. I hope that earns me some Deb credit.
Buton the subject of eating, I love to have fun with words. Frequently one of my coworkers will call to ask me if I want to go out to lunch and sometimes just for fun I loudly respond, "No thanks, I'm going to masticate in my cube for lunch today." He gets the joke, some of those who overhear the conversation...well, they drop things.
Posted by: Patrick at April 3, 2006 07:41 AM